To infinity... and beyond!
BIOshock Forever is the newest installment of the Crumbledink Mega Franchise.
This time you play -as- George Clooney...
He is ~mysteriously~ sent back to get some big-tits bimbo from this flying dunderland.
The graphics are like ooh...
...ohh...wowee...
...ooh...baboo...
These tape recorders are really important, you gotta get these to learn the story--
[Comstock, on tape recorder] As a boy, I had a dog named Bill.
[Dunkey, imitating Comstock] My favorite ice cream was always strawberry...
RAFFLE! RAFFLE! RAAAAFFLE!
Oh wow, they got basketball!
C'MON AND SL-- HEY!
You're ruining my slam dunk!
The original Bioshock was real dark and claustrophobic...
Columbus is just all colorful and happy...
Everybody's just havin' a real good time, y'know?
They don't even have Big Daddies anymore. There's just one big ol' bird, and he's your best friend.
It's all rated E, from what I understand.
The money is stupid; every time you die, you lose money, so the worse you're doing, the worse you're gonna do...
...the less upgrades you can afford from this super antiquated-ass upgrade system that makes you purchase each upgrade for each gun separately.
UH OH JAM ALERT THEY GOT MY JA-
[Dunkey beatboxing along]
Hee-haw!
[Dunkey continues beatboxing]
God damn it!
Spin me horse... Spin me horse...
Spin-- not that horse!
What is this, like a little broncobama on there? You just rip him off and you just drink all the stuff in there and--
Augh-- g-- ghk--
No... NO!
NOT THAT HORSE... NOOOO--
What is this, like a little Barbie soda, and you just... drink it all, and--
Ugh-- Augh--
NO
NOOOOOOOO--
AAAAAAAAUGH
DYIIII--
[distant] Ahh, broke my handle off!
*glugluglug* AUGH-- AAAAUGH! AAAAAAAAUGH
I will never learn!
Glub glub glub glub...
Wh-- oh no, oh no, AUGH! AAAAUGH--
O-- oh. This one isn't that bad, actually.
[Dunkey, mimicking narrator] "Unlimited power!"
"Hold and release to create a diamond field!"
"Fuck you, Satan!"
[Dunkey, mimicking announcer] "Ten going, ten going-going-gone. Do I see nine? Do I see nine from the man who's better than ten?"
"I have eight-- Do I see seven? Do I see seven dwarves knocking on my grandmother's door?"
"Do I have six? Do I have six dicks cumming on my face, brother? Do I see five?"
"Can I see fi--" I can't, I can't take this person, I'm just gonna have to do it all this way.
["Fortunate Son" playing from the Tear]
[Dunkey singing along poorly to the music]
Hey, bring it back!
ELIZABETH: "It's coming from that Tear."
BOOKER: "I've never heard that song before."
ELIZABETH: "I don't suspect -anyone's- heard that song."
DUNKEY: I did!
[Dunkey scatting "Fortunate Son"]
[NPC singing as music fades out]
Hey, you're ruining my jam!
Even on Hard difficulty the game's butt-butt easy, except for the Handymen...
Oh.
Well, not-- not this Handyman. But most of 'em are pretty hard.
And this ghost, she's a fuckin' asshole!
She killed me so many times that I just fuckin'-- I got pissed and I turned it down. [laughing]
And I just... [laughs] I'm invincible, bitch, fuck you!
Okay, now... now you better get out of here if you didn't beat the game. You better go.
You finally find the old bastard, and he's like "UGH! REALLY, STRAWBERRY? STRAWBERRY!? GROW UP!"
Then you go back underwater into Rapture, and I'm like "oh man, how are they gonna... how are they gonna tie this all in?"
Then you go back to the classic lighthouse...
In Bioshock 1, when you went through these doors, and that sense of dread just overcame you...
The same thing happens in this one, because the ending is about to suck dick.
This dumb bitch starts explaining how time travel works.
[Urkel voice] "If you go through a quantum inverted vortex at the agreed angle discussed in Ulfrican's Theorem, then you will reverse the reality of all subsequent time warps, leaving a future reef-- temporal rift in a state of particle protosonic nebulization!"
Alright, Urkel with tits, I didn't really give a rat's ass when fuckin' Comstock explained how it works in the Matrix Reloaded.
Then she fuckin' lays down the entire Bioshock narrative template...
ELIZABETH: "There's always a lighthouse... There's always a man... There's always a city..."
Then it turns out you were her dad the whole time!
You just forgot because you were a fucking idiot, somebody hit you on the head with a frying pan...
These people, uh, they helped you for some reason... they're never-- they're never really explained at all... (except they are if you listen to the fucking tapes)
Then the big reveal: Turns out, that... you killed that guy, but you only did it in one... dimension...
And he's still alive in a bunch of parallel dimensions, and then y-- they gotta--
ELIZABETH 1: "He's Zachary Comstock."
ELIZABETH 1: "He's Zachary Comstock." DUNKEY: Turns out...
ELIZABETH 2: "He's Booker DeWitt."
DUNKEY: You were Cornstarch the whole time!
DUNKEY: You were Cornstarch the whole time! BOOKER: "No..."
DUNKEY: So they gotta...
BOOKER: "I'm both." DUNKEY: ...kill you!
DUNKEY: It doesn't-- Wha-- *drowning noises*
Why would drowning me-- Why would drowning me in this pool negate the effects of time travel?
It doesn't make any fuckin' sense! Aaaaugh, I hate you!
[fading out] Fuck you, this is so stupid, ooooh...
[Comstock, faintly] "As a boy, I had a dog named Bill."
[soft piano plays, a different Elizabeth vanishing with each note]
["The Entertainer" plays as the clip is reversed]