Come here, come here!
Try this side! Go on, you're scared of me! You're scared of me!
Hello, I'm Miss Holland.
I'm from a small town in Holland where life is a simple one.
I know I am great, but you call yourselves Great,
that's why you've done a Brexit.
So I've come to find out what makes Britain so great,
learn to be British and find myself a husband.
Welcome to Miss Holland Show!
British people think they are the best at all the sports -
rowing, cycling, sporting.
But definitely not football.
In Holland, we're very good at spankerpooper.
Spankerpooper? Spankerpooper!
We squat... THEY LAUGH
..and we try and get the nail in the bottle!
OK? This is a race.
Ready... Yep.
..steady...
..go!
Oh, dear.
Yes, I did it!
Wahey!
To be Great British is to roll around in the mud,
wear short shorts and touch male genitals.
I call this foreplay, they call it rugby.
CHEERING
Fuck yeah!
The Great British people have the best sports in the world.
You're great at rugby and the cricket and the football and...
..swimming and rowing and rugby and everything else.
Snooker. Cricket.
How come they come from Great Britain?
Probably because it was quite a boring island, so...
Teach me quickly the rules.
You run, you throw the ball.
You run and you pass. Where to?
The pass has got to go backwards.
But you're moving forwards? Correct.
It's not very intelligent, is it?
Erm...
Yes, good job, boys, good job!
Do you think women can do it? Absolutely.
They can throw? I think the women probably throw forwards?
No. No.
No.
In the scrum, you actually touch the balls.
Yeah, that's the point, that's the main point actually.
That's why you're here. That's why I'm here.
That's why I'm here.
Sorry, what?
My head between your bottoms? Yeah!
Leslie, this is fantastic, I get to touch the thighs
and put my head in the bottom.
Do you ever get hurt?
Oh!
Last time, I hurt my face.
Oh. Yeah.
That's... But it looks good still. I'm very lucky.
I like your face.
Thank you. Can I touch your face?
You can touch my face if you like.
Yeah.
Ah!
Crazy British men.
Stupid boy!
Stupid!
You'll find a lot of rugby guys will go out and get naked.
Yeah, this is a big part.
You wear dresses for this?
You like women so much, you want to... You miss them,
you dress up as them?
Erm...
Does any of you guys want to wear my dress?
Erm... Don't think it would fit me. Well, you're the new guy,
so I think you should probably try it.
You know, you remind me of the most famous lesbian in Holland.
Yeah, I get that a lot. Yeah.
You're very attractive.
OK, everyone understand? Yes.
OK, can I have another group of...
Do you think I'm sexy?
Yes, you are.
Let's go!
DRAMATIC MUSIC
Is there any homosexuality?
We said not to talk about it.
But sometimes does anybody do a little...?
Like a little tickle?
I guess it happens. I mean, I would have done it.
As long as it's discreet and the ref doesn't see it,
that's fine.
Go, lads!
Yes! Get it, get it, get it!
SHE SCREAMS
You're the best horse I've ever had!
Ow!
I learned so much about Britain, I'm practically British
and ready to meet a British man for hot, passionate intercoursing.
Next time!
You can come back now!