So, here's a question: How do you talk so that kids will listen? -One of the most
common requests we get on the channel. We're going to dive into that today.
Vicki, I love that we're having this conversation
today because your experience is a speech-language pathologist working with
kids about talking and communication and skills. And now we get to tie that into
positive parenting as well how to talk so kids will listen. What do you think
are some of the most important things to consider first? -So, one of the things I
would say is get on their level, physically. -Physically? -Yeah. Physically. So,
you know, if you're talking to a small child, get down with them. Get on their
level. If you're talking to a teenager, make sure that you're not trying to be
bigger than them. Get on their level with them. Now, I also mean not only physically
but... If they're here's a new word, stage-ly. -Okay, because it's about stage not age.
-So get on their level by their stage. Now remember, when we're dealing with
stage, it is talking about their behavior. The type of behavior that they are
exhibiting as their moral development, okay? So, it doesn't always correlate with
age and it can go back and forth. But depend on where they are in stage, it
drys how you're going to react to them. Okay? -Right. And it's not just behavior. So
stages also how they're thinking. How they're making their moral decisions.
-How they're showing up. -And so a quick example. If we take stage one for example. Where it
tends to be selfish and self-centered. It's very egocentric at stage one.
They're not thinking in terms of, "What's the right thing to do in this
circumstance?" They're thinking about, "What's in it for me? Or am I going to get
clobbered?" -Right. And so, they're going to respond differently because of that.
-You get on their level. You're talking consequences with them. Or
you get on their level if they're cooperating. You get on their level with
communication. -Yes. An opening dialogue so that they have some input. -So... -If they're
on stage 3, you know what? We don't talk about stage three very much
here. -Because it's really pretty easy. -I never have parents showing up at my
office saying, "Oh, doc. My kids are so responsible. What should I do about that?"
Parents don't even need help with that. -Actually I'd say the one place that you
see that most help. It sits in your own way of dealing with it. I see adult
children often stage 3. And I'm learning how to deal with.. -Their
independence? -Yeah. I really just waiting for the consultation to be requested.
-Right. Because you want to offer advice before it's requested. Vicki, our example
is probably one of the most important teachers for our kids because we're
showing them what it is that we want from them. So, modeling respect, keeping a
calm voice and face and body. Showing them that they... They can respectfully
communicate with us and and offering them that same level of respect. -You know,
I have this strong memory. I remember one time I had one of my children. I think
was my oldest child was in the back seat. He had said something we'd had kind of a
little blow-up, right? And I was driving like this. My eyebrows were like this.
-Crinkly. -I remember thinking, "I should calm down. I should just laughing out my
eyebrows." And I was trying to cite if I was ready yet. And then I kind of to say,
"Okay, I'm just going to let go of the tension and a smile at my side." And I
look back and you fall asleep. I've kind of missed my... -Oh. -But I think you know,
sometimes it just takes a minute. Sometimes to just kind of monitor
yourself. What's my voice... My tone of voice? Is it respectful? Is it calm?
What's my face showing? What's my body language? Is it trying to be big and
dominant? Remember, we're going to get on their level. And we're going to model and
guide them with respect and calmness. -This takes some humility too. And practice.
-And practice, right. You mentioned face and your eyebrows. Pay
attention to what's going on right up here in this area. Because it it can
convey a lot. And for you to be aware of that, I've got a couple of clients where
I call him on it. I'm like, "Your eyebrows are like..." And they're, "Really? I didn't
know." And and then they're constantly monitoring it. But
if you can smooth it out just a little bit right through here. Through your
eyebrows in your forehead. Just let that smooth out a little bit. -it calms you bit.
-It does. It changes your energy and how you feel. And it communicates something
very specific to your kids as well. Calm voice, calm face, calm body. That helps
them to listen. This is one way to talk to your kids so that they'll listen.
-Another way to help your child really listen to you is to take on the role of
a leader versus a controlling person. -Oh. -Totally an individual in their life. So,
you might say, "You know, what needs to happen for you to be able to go out with
your friend/ What needs to happen to your room?" Instead of just saying, "Go clean
your room right now." So, there's one controlling, there's one leading them
into what needs to happen. -Instead of just giving the commands? -Right. -You're
describing the conditions. -Figure it out. -Mm-hm. You know, a lot of
times they our children know what they need to do. We think they're not
listening. But they've heard and so you're kind of guiding them through it.
-And there may have been some practice already with waiting for mom or dad to
command me in a certain tone of voice. You know? With a certain volume before I
actually respond. It's so amazing to see how well kids respond when you speak
calmly. When you focus on tasks rather than on giving commands or whatever it
is. And to to be consistent in following through with a consequence after that
without getting upset. -Right. -See that's the part we sometimes skip. We just go
right to upset without effectively following up. To make our... Remember, we've
talked about this before on the channel. To turn our words from garbage into gold.
-That leads nicely into another idea. And that is to get to yes. As often as you
can. My sister once mentioned to me. She said,
"Look, if it's not immoral or illegal. Let's see if there's a way we can have
it happen." You know, it's good. I'm going to be okay with it. So, you know, it comes and
asks you, "Can I do something? An your first response as usually,
"Oh, No." But maybe just take a brief moment and pause and think okay, "Is it immoral
or illegal? Because you're going to you're going to oppose those, right? -Mm-hm. -But let's just
see. Is there some way to get to yes? Well, what would it take? You know, I really
like that question. Well, what do you think it would take for you to be able
to take the car on Friday night? What would it take? -Right. Instead of, "No, you
didn't do your homework? No, you didn't go to the store when I asked you to." What
would it take? You know, how can we get to yes? -Getting to yes is a powerful way to
establish yourself as an authority but also as someone who's willing to provide
some good times and good things to your child both. Of those things are required
to be able to set and enforce limits and be seen as a provider of good times and
good things. That gives you authority. -Yes. And getting to yes as often as possible
makes the no carry more weight when you must give it. We're talking about how do
we get our child to listen. They don't want to hear no. But sometimes no has to
be the answer. And so, if you can get to yes as often as possible,
when no is the needed answer, it carries back. -Then it carries more weight, exactly.
It puts you in a better position as a parent as well. Do you get tired of
saying no all the time? Maybe you don't have to. Maybe you could get to yes and
it's alright to get to yes when or yes if. That's totally fine. And it might
still sound like no to your child. Because they're not willing to do the
conditions that are necessary to get to it. It puts you in a better position as a
parent because you just said yes. This is only one of the many topics that are
important to us as parents. Please join us at parentingpowerup.com. What
you're going to get there is an amazing set of resources that Vicki and I have
collaborated on to bring you as conscious positive parents. There are
free trainings. There are downloadable materials. There are digital courses. All
for you at parentingpowerup.com. Hope to see you there.