- Tracy Morgan.
Would Tracy Morgan be a good person to have in quarantine?
- Tracy might be good.
I think Tracy would be fun playing board games
and that kind of stuff.
He'll be like, you sank my battleship JB!
You sank my battleship!
(jazzy music)
- Hey guys, welcome to Stir Crazy,
the show I host while my wife patiently waits
in the other room.
I'll be another minute!
My guest today is the coolest man in quarantine,
you know him from Curb Your Enthusiasm.
it's the only and only, JB Smoove.
- Man, I love that title, man.
Coolest man in quarantine, I love it!
I'm gonna put it on a T-shirt, man.
Coolest man in quarantine, I love it!
Quarantine spelled with a K.
Whoo!
Come on, man, write that down.
- How are you maintaining the cool?
How are you doing it, 'cause I see the suave,
I see the cool, you're on top of your game.
- Hey look, as long as your upper body is dressed,
you good!
From the waist down, I'm naked as hell right now.
But I still put my cowboy boots on.
Got cowboy boots on, and just boxers.
- You're wearing sunglasses,
I don't think I've ever seen you without sunglasses.
I never felt like I could pull off shades,
like I, for whatever reason, I don't think I can do it.
Literally the only sunglasses in my apartment are my wife's.
Tell me the honest truth,
tell me if I can pull off shades, okay?
- Let me see, what you working with?
Nah, nah, no, no, no.
See, it's not that you can't wear shades,
you got the wrong kind of shades.
You look like the Fly, right now,
remember that movie The Fly?
You look like the goddamn Fly right now.
You need someone like myself to take you shade shopping.
- I'm in.
- See, I got a long face, so to counter my long face,
my glasses have got to be square, squared off, see?
You gotta get you a pair of glasses that fit your face.
- What about the head?
You could pull off the shaved head,
not everybody can pull off the shaved head.
Can this head be a shaved head?
- No, no, no, and keep the beard.
If you can grow the beard even bigger, grow it bigger.
'Cause you got a pointy ass chin, your chin too pointy.
Now, if you really wanna change,
you really wanna change it up, know what to do?
You cut your stache off and just leave your taint,
your taint and your beard in.
You're gonna look crazy, you're gonna look crazy as hell,
but people will recognize, they will treat you differently.
They will treat you diff, they will treat you differently,
I tell that damn much.
People will let you get in front of them in line
or give you parking spaces.
You're both pulling in the same time,
they'll see you, they'll go.
You know, you good.
- All right, let's play a game of Quaranteam.
(jazzy music)
Would you want Larry David living
with you in quarantine right now, would he--
- Hell no.
Larry would be terrible, complaining about stuff.
He'd start to say what food is his in the fridge,
don't touch this.
You gotta write your name on stuff,
because you don't want him touching your food either.
I think he'll be miserable.
He'll be miserable stuck in the house together.
- You're in the last Spider-Man movie,
so would Spider-Man be a good person
in quarantine to live with?
- Damn right.
Spider-Man, he got the webs, the webs and stuff.
If you wanna lounge around, he'll web up a little hammock,
a nice hammock for you to sleep on.
Thwip, thwip!
He'll go, make you a cool hammock.
You say, I wanna beer!
He'll say, hold, and he'll squirt into the,
and pull the fridge open, and squirt with his other hand,
grab the beer, pull a beer, you catch the beer,
pop that beer off and drink that fucking beer.
(laughing) Come on, man.
What more is there to life?
- What about somebody, some,
I think of some of your previous co-stars, friends,
uh, Tracy Morgan.
Tracy's a lot of energy,
would Tracy be a good person to have in quarantine?
- Tracy might be good.
I think Tracy would be fun playing like board games
and that kind of stuff.
He'd be like, you sank my battleship, JB!
(wheezing)
You know what I mean?
How cool would that be?
You sank my battleship!
- I have some would you rather
quarantine questions for you, JB.
- Okay.
(jazzy music)
- Inspired by Curb Your Enthusiasm.
Would you rather have a tiny head or tiny junk?
- Oh man.
Tiny head, anyway, any day.
I mean, absurdly small, like cue ball sized head,
you know what I mean?
Which is comfortable.
- Yeah, as long as you got a normal sized--
- Yeah, exactly.
You can make do and just carry around
one of those big ass old school magnifying glasses,
you know what I'm saying?
You just hold that in front of your face
and it makes it bigger, you know?
- Right!
Would you rather run out of toilet paper of booze?
- Ooh, I would rather run out of booze, any day.
Any day, any freaking day, man.
You can't live without toilet paper.
I know there was a time in the world
where we didn't have any, I know it.
Every time I watch Game of Thrones,
I sit there and say, how,
are they washing they ass?
You know what I mean?
How are they wiping they ass?
Every time I watch it,
not once did you see that dragon shit.
Not one time!
Those dragons didn't shit,
you're gonna tell me dragons don't shit?
- I mean I never thought about it.
I mean, I would imagine it's a lot of volume.
- How do you not think about it?
Oh, he's flying around in circles,
a pound of shit from a dragon that size
would kill a man if it fell on top of him.
- Yeah, they don't need to breathe fire,
who cares about the fire, it's dropping poop!
Would you rather never be allowed to curse again
or change your name from JB Smoove to BJ Ruff?
- Oh, I would do BJ Ruff for a little while.
Guys, we gotta be able to get a few,
what do you say when someone, like, I mean,
how do you not?
- You can't give it up.
- Can't give it up, man.
It's used to accentuate something, you need it,
you need it, you need it!
- What curse word do you think you couldn't live without?
What's the one that would be toughest to give up?
- Probably fuck outta here.
Fuck outta here!
(laughing)
- That's the entire phrase?
- How do you live without fuck outta here?
When someone tells you an unbelievable story,
you gotta say fuck outta here.
- I don't think I can pull it off the same way you do it.
- Try it, try it, try it one time at least.
- Okay, okay.
Fuck outta here!
- No, see, you're making me wanna say,
tell you get the fuck outta here, now.
You not--
(laughing)
Look, look, watch me. - Okay.
- And you sat back when you said it!
That is fuck outta here etiquette.
You gotta say, you gotta lean into it.
Fuck outta here.
- Can I have another shot, one more shot?
- Try again.
- Fuck outta here.
- Yeah, that's it, that's it!
- Fuck outta here! - That's close,
was that too close, was that a little--
- It was a little too close, I got the mask,
I almost put the mask on that time.
(laughing)
That's how close you got.
I was gonna put my mask on that time!
- Let's play the hottest new game sweeping the planet.
It's called Charades.
Shall we? - I love Charades, man.
I love Charades. - Let's do it.
- I knew a girl named Charades.
- Oh really?
- No, I'm fucking around.
(laughing)
(jazzy music)
Book.
Box.
House?
House.
Sounds like house.
Home.
- Yeah, yeah!
- Home.
Homeschooled!
(dinging)
- Yes, yes!
(laughing)
- I'm pretty good, I'm pretty good
at this kind of stuff. - You are good!
Okay, first word, oh, four words!
Karate.
Mask.
Karate mask?
The Karate kid.
Mask.
Baseball.
Bat, oh, you're a ninja!
You're a harakiri!
Ninja!
Ninja is one of the words.
You're looking around, you're, oh!
You're a small scary little man, hiding.
You're, you're, you're (laughs).
Coming out of the womb?
You're, um--
(buzzing)
You're Beverly Hills ninja. (buzzing)
You're a baby! (buzzing)
Baby ninja. (buzzing)
Braum Van Dam? (buzzing)
- Aw! - What was it?
- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!
(laughing)
I did a whole turtle for you, man!
A whole freakin' turtle!
- You gave a turtle, you practically stripped!
- I was looking around, look!
- It, well, that was a good turtle,
that's a really good turtle.
It was also a good baby being born.
- That's a damn good turtle!
Babies don't come out crawling!
They don't come out crawling, man.
When that happens, you let me know.
- Our time is sadly up but I've learned so much today, JB.
You've really-- - Yeah, man!
- You've remade me from the inside out,
I have new fashion technique,
I have a new just perspective on what I want.
- Yeah!
- A life in quarantine and most importantly,
I know how to curse now.
- Yep, fuck outta here!
- Should we, I mean, let's do it.
- And it's fuck outta here or you say something like,
the fuck up outta here.
Now, fuck up outta here, it's like fuck outta here.
- Get the fuck up outta here!
- Get the fuck, that is, that is perfect!
- Really? - That's perfect, man.
Get the fuck up outta here.
- Get the fuck up outta here!
- Oh, I love it, man!
When you say get the fuck up outta here, ooh!
- Hey JB?
Get the fuck up outta here!
- Fuck up outta here!
- Get the fuck up outta here!
- Yeah, that's pimp, baby.
- Thanks JB, I think we did it.
- That's what the fuck I'm talking about.
Fuck up outta here!
(jazzy music)