[Eeerie Music] (Match being lit)
Emily: I-I don't think we should do this. Jake: Aww, are you chicken?
(Imitates clucking sounds) Why am I like this?
Oliver: Shut up!
It's starting.
(Ominous music) (Oliver, speaking): Oh great soul-reaper, hear our plea.
We three wish to summon thee- (Static, little girl laughing) (Door slamming open) Peter:
Oh hey guys, sorry I'm late! Oliver: No, wait!
(Static, menachial laughter) (All scream) [Dramatic music] (Emily screams) (Jake groans)
(Peter screams) (Oliver screams) (Furniture slams down, dramatic music ends abruptly.)
[Clock ticking]
[Footsteps] Estate Agent: And this is the living room!
(Kate bounces the cushions as she jumps on the sofa) Ben: We'll take it! [Lamp shattering] Woops!
[Jovial Crash Zoom Theme]
(Television, presenter talking): Coming up next, babies versus beartraps!
(Baby babbles whilst the crowd gasps in horror and awe) (Box slams down) (Lucy sighs) Lucy:
Ben!
Could you at least unpack something?
Ben: Hey!
I unpacked the TV!
Lucy: No!
You didn't.
(Pen rolling off of cardboard quietly) (Ben, mumbling): I don't see what you mean.
Lucy: Ugh, where's Kate?
She should be helping too.
(Quiet gasp) Kate: Lucy!
I sold two of my kidneys to pay for this place!
Ben: Don't you need those?
Kate: Nah, I got a whole box of them.
(Lucy, sighing): We've only just moved in and we've already got bills eveywhere.
Bill: Hi, I'm Bill.
(Papers slapped into Lucy's hands) (Bill, menacingly): You've got two weeks to pay ya
taxes.
(Lucy, sighing): Look, if we're gonna make this film company work we need money.
And you're not gonna find any watching the TV!
(Newscaster on the TV, dramatic backing music): Need money?
I'm here at Gump Forest, where Linda Weaver is offering a sizeable reward for video proof
of the infamous 'Turtle Man'.
Will you be the one to find him first?
No!
You won't!
Because I will!
I'm going to be rich!
(Newscaster in the distance): Moneymoneymoneymoney...
Ben: Hah!
So...
what were you saying?
Because I forgot what you said.
Lucy: Ben!
Load your camera!
We've got a monster to shoot!
(Ben gasps in awe) [Funky, upbeat music] (Narrator:)
This week on 'Lucy and Turtle Man'.
(Lucy sighs in amusement): Turtle Man!
[Canned audience laughing] Lucy: Wait!
No scripting Ben, we're just gonna get the shot and get paid.
[Dramatic chorus chanting]
Lucy: We're professional now! And that means we do things professionally!
To the car!
[Dramatic, up-beat music] (Lucy, muffled): We're here!
[Jovial, soft music] [Tense music]
(Man screaming)
[Heavenly, awe-inspiring music] Kate: Woooow! Linda: Listen up, people!
For years I've been told I'm crazy to believe in the Turtle Man living in these woods!
But 25 years ago that monster ate my baby Rufus! I remember it like it was a flash-back.
[Enchanting music] [Supermarket tannoy bleeping] (Linda, narrating): I only turned my back
for a second, but that was all the time he needed!
(Monsterous grumbling) (Linda, distressed): My baby!
(Linda and a man in the background wails 'nooo') (Man yelling): Noooooo!
My coupon expired.
Linda: That day I swore I'd capture the Turtle Man alive!
[Dramatic music] Even if it kills him!
Get me that video evidence today and I'll double the reward!
[Crowd gasps] Ben: Lucy, should I bring the shotgun microophone, or the microphone shotgun?
[Ka-ching!]
Lucy: Double the reward!
Ben: You're right, I'll bring the boom-mic!
[Birds chirping] Lucy: Today is gonna be our lucky day!
I can feel it.
Ooh?
(Lucy gasps) [Eerie music] (Lucy struggling to breathe) [Dramatic music]
Kate: Eugh! Lucy: Huh.
Well that was- [Dramatic music abruptly ends] Gross.
Kate: So how are we gonna find Turtle Man?
Lucy: We're gonna use our secret weapon.
(Ben gasps): A gun that fires smaller guns?!
Lucy: No!
Kate!
(Ben disappointedly groans) Lucy: Is there a spell you can cast to track this thing down?
Kate: Yeah, but it'll cost you!
(Kate, demonically speaking): Your first born child!
[Dramatic music rises and abruptly ends] Lucy: I don't... have any children.
Kate: I can wait.
(Kate demonically chants a incoherant spell) (Kate screams)
(Lucy groans) Ben: Good jobI know how to track!
You just put your ear to the ground- like this!
(Voice 1, muffled talking): What do you mean you're not attracted to me anymore?
(Voice 2, muffled talking): Look, I've been seeing someone else, okay?
(Voice 1, muffled talking): How you been seeing someone else, Deborah?
We're moles, we can't see nothin'!
(Voice 2, Deborah, muffled): Actually, Stan, that's a common misconception- Lucy: Well?
Ben: Yeah, it's this way.
(Eating sounds) (Footsteps from below) [Dramatic, stake-out music]
Linda:Wait! We're not alone.
Kate: Hey! Big fan!
(Mercanary shouts in surprise)
Linda: What are you doing out here, little girl?!
There's a child eating monster out here in these woods!
Kate: Kay.
Mercanary: Ooop! Got your nose! (Kate, giggling): And I got *your* nose!
(Mercanary screaming in pain) Linda: Look alive, people! Lucy: Come on, Ben!
(Linda and Lucy speaking): Let's find Turtle Man!
[Upbeat, jovial ska cover of 'Teddybear 's Picnic']
(Lucy groans angrily): We spent a whole montage searching for this thing and found nothing!
We can't just give up.
The reward money!
Ben: Don't worry, Lucy!
I have an idea!
[Funky, upbeat music] (Narrator speaking:)
This week on Lucy and Turtle Man!
(Lucy, sighing in amusement): Turtle Man!
[Canned audience laughs] (Train whistle) (Lucy, interrupting:)
No!
Ben: Aw, but I already made the costumes!
Lucy: Wait! Costumes!
(Gasps) Ben! You're a genius!
(Ben, muffled): I'm a what?!
Ben: Aaaand... why are we faking this footage and lying to a grieving mother?
Lucy: For the reward money, Ben!
Ben: Oh, okay!
Action!
(Lucy growls and speaks in a low voice): I am Turtle Man!
Turtle Man is me!
I eat babies!
I'm going to eat *this* baby!
No matter what anyone says, I am definately- (Linda, yelling): TURTLE MAAAN!
Lucy: No!
Wait...
Yes!
(Linda, yelling): I've FINALLY found you!
Lucy: Actually, some filmmakers found me first, so you should probably give them the reward
money.
Because I am Turtle Man!
Grrr, grrr!
Linda: Who's that with the Turtle Man?
Kate: I 'unno!
Probably Turtle Man's son!
(Gasps) You should kill him, too!
(Linda laughs): I like you, kid.
Lucy, to Ben: She's probably gone to get our money!
(Linda, yelling): For Rufus!
Aaaaghhhhh!
(Lucy and Ben scream) [Dramatic music] [Dramatic music abruptly stops.]
Lucy: Okay, just don't struggle and we'll be fine!
(Ben screams) Lucy: Ben!
(Both scream, afraid) [Dramatic music ends] (Linda, screaming): Turtle Man!
(Splat) (Fly buzzes around the cave)
(Disappointed un-seen voice): Aw, my trumpet!
Lucy: I can't see a thing!
Ben: Don't worry!
I have a torch!
Lucy: Huh.
Well, at least we can see where we're going!
[Tense, eerie music] (Lucy screams, muffled over the bats screeching) Lucy: You know what?!
Hug this job!
[Eerie music picks up] I thought I could be a good boss, and get us through our first
bit of work, but instead we're lost in a cave because some crazy lady is gonna kill us and
we don't know where Kate is and it's all thanks to some stupid Turtle Man who probably doesn't
even exist!
And even if he does he's probably stupid and dumb and ... he's right behind me, isn't he?
[Eerie music ends] Ben: Nope!
[Dramatic, tense music] He's behind me!
(Ben and Lucy cry out in terror) [Music ceases] Turtle Man: Hello!
I am Turtle Man!
Are you friends?
I don't have friends so I don't know what they look like...
You wanna play rock-face?!
Ben: Yeah!
Turtle Man: I win! [Gentle, upbeat music] Lucy: Wait, you're not gonna eat us?
Turtle Man: Oh, no thank you.
I only eat leaves and bugs and sometimes (Whispered) I lick a tree.
Lucy: Awwh!
You don't eat babies, do you big guy?
You're harmless!
(Ben, pained): I don't know about harmless...
Turtle Man: I win again!
Lucy: What *are* you?
How did you get here?
Turtle Man: I don't know! I'm bad at, uh, what's the word?
Oh yeah!
Words!
But you can look at my pictures if you want!
[Mystical music, low chanting] (Turtle Man laughing and chucking rocks at Ben in the background)
(Lucy gasps): Wait a minute...Ben!
(Ben, muffled): Yeah?
Lucy: I think the Turtle Man is...
(Linda, from behind): Dead meat!
[Dramatic music]
Turtle Man: Oh! Hello!
Are you friends as well?
Kate: Oh! Hey guys!
Ben: Oh, hi Kate!
You're not dead!
(Lucy, whispered): Get away from her.
She's crazy!
Linda: Ah, Kate's not so bad once you- Wait, you know these guys?
Kate: Yeah, I keep 'em around.
(Crunching) Linda: Oh.
Well, a friend of Kate's is a friend of mine.
The reward money is all yours.
[Uplifting, romantic music] Lucy: Hey money, I know we've only just met but...
I love you!
I love you so much!
[Music abruptly ends] Linda: Lemme just kill the Turtle Man!
(Linda's voice echoes in Lucy's head) Lucy: No! Wait!
[Dramatic, sad music] Moneybag: Sayonara, Lucy. I love you.
Linda: Oh, I see you're all friends!
Well, a friend of Turtle Man...
(Yelling) Is an enemy of mine!
I'll just have to kill... you all!
[Dramatic, tense music] Kate: Dude.
Lucy: Ahhh...
[Dramatic music ends] Turtle Man: Oh!
Is she playing rock-face as well?
You're really good.
[Dramatic music rises] Lucy: Time to go!
(Turtle Man yells)
Linda: Oh no you don't!
[Bouncy, fun music]
[Music abrupltly pauses] [Low, upbeat music] (Animals squeak sadly)
[Dramatic beat] (All animals cheer)
[Bouncy, fun music continues] (All screaming)
[Music pauses] Winnie the Pooh: Mmm-mah...
Almost... [Dramatic beat]
(Muffled screaming)
(Popping sound) (Wasps buzzing)
[Bouncy fun music picks up again]
[Soft, romantic music]
[Tense music rises and ends abruptly]
Man: Phew.
That was close!
Now, where were we?
Woman: Wait a minute, are you wearing a wire?
(Police sirens) Police Officer: Sex police!
Put your hands up!
Woman: You set me up, Billy!
(Ben and Lucy screaming in terror, Kate screams joyfully) [Bouncy, upbeat music continues]
[The music haults] Lucy: Ow.
[Dramatic tense music] Linda: Time to kiss your butts goodbye!
[Dramatic tense music ceases] Ben: Oh, no!
She's gonna kiss our butts!
[Tense music] Lucy: Wait!
The Turtle Man!
He's...
Turtle Man: Hi, mum! [Tense music ends]
(Kate, Linda, Ben): What?!
Lucy: Turtle Man didn't eat your son!
He *IS* your son!
[Enchanting music] Lucy, narrating: Your shopping trolley just rolled into the forest, and Rufus
grew up stuck in the child's seat.
(Linda, crying): Rufus!
It's really you!
(Turtle Man sighs happily) [Sweet, melodic music] Turtle Man: Mama, please change my
nappy.
Linda: I will, baby, I will.
Lucy: Aww!
Gross.
Ben: Wait!
What about the reward money?
Lucy: Oh, yeah!
Can we still have that?
Linda: Oh no!
(Laughs) Turtle Man wasn't real so ... neither is the reward!
Sorry.
I don't make the rules.
Lucy: But!
You do!
Linda: Let's move out, son!
[Happy, sweet music] Turtle Man: Bye-bye friends!
I love yoooooooooooou!
Lucy: Well, at least we reunited a family.
It's not money, but...
It's not money.
Kate: Hey!
Look who I found!
BigFoot: I'm BigFoot.
(Lucy gasps) [Dramatic music] Lucy: Ben! Grab the camera!
We can sell this footage for ten times the amount of Turtle Man!
We're gonna be rich!
We- [Tense music ends] (Lucy sighs): Okay, fine.
[Funky, upbeat music] Narrator: This week on Lucy and BigFoot!
(Lucy sighs happily): BigFoo- Aaaah!!
(Lucy yells in pain) [Canned audience laughing]
Ben: Oh, no!
We forgot the snakes!
(Lucy, screaming): Nooo!
Lucy: Why do they have knives?!
[Upbeat 'Crash Zoom' theme plays]
[Turbo Punch theme]