>> James: HELLO, GOOD EVENING LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO
THE "LATE, LATE SHOW."
WE HOPE YOU HAD A NICE DAY.
OF COURSE TODAY WAS VETERAN'S DAY AND ALL OF US HERE AT THE
SHOW WOULD LIKE TO EXTEND OUR GRATITUDE TO EVERYONE WHO HAS
SERVED IN THE ARMED FORCES.
WE APPRECIATE EVERYTHING THAT YOU DO TO KEEP ALL OF US SAFE.
MY FATHER WAS IN THE ROYAL AIR FORCE BACK HOME.
REGGIE, YOUR DAD SERVED IN THE AIR FORCE.
>> YEAH.
>> IT IS AN IMPORTANT DAY.
>> ST, YEAH, IT IS.
I MEAN I WOULDN'T BE WHO I AM WITHOUT THE AIR FORCE.
>> HE WOULDN'T BE WHO HE IS WITHOUT THE AIR FORCE.
I WOULDN'T BE WHO I AM WITHOUT THE AIR FORCE.
IAN, YOU WOULD PRETTY MUCH BE THE SAME WITHOUT THE AIR FORCE.
>> SAME DUDE.
WELL, WE THANK YOUR DAD, WE THANK EVERYBODY ELSE OUT THERE
FOR THEIR SERVICE.
WE ABSOLUTELY DO.
AND WE REALLY, REALLY DO.
IT'S NOT TAKEN FOR GRANTED IN ANYWAY WHATSOEVER.
NOW I WANT TO TAKE A SECOND TO ADDRESS SOMETHING FROM
YESTERDAY'S SHOW.
IT WAS TUM'S 50th BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY, SO WE STARTED OUT THE
SHOW.
WE WISHED HIM A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
WE WENT PRETTY BIG ON IT, YOU KNOW.
AND THEN TODAY I CAME IN TO WORK AND I FOUND OUT THAT IT WASN'T
YOUR BIRTHDAY AT ALL.
TODAY IS TIM'S BIRTHDAY.
(APPLAUSE) WHAT HAPPENED?
>> FIRST OF ALL, I WAS SO TOUCHED AND THIS WAS, YOU KNOW,
LIKE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH LIKE,
THAT PEOPLE ARE LOVING ON YOU, WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO SAY NO,
YOU KNOW, AND I KNEW ALSO IT SHOWS AR MIDNIGHT SO I WAS LIKE,
SO I WAS DOING THE MATH.
>> James: VERY SMART.
>> ALSO IF I WOULD HAVE SAID THAT, THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A
BUMMER FOR YOU, YOU WOULD BE EMBARRASSED, RIGHT?
I THINK?
>> James: I WOULD BE ALL RIGHT.
>> RIGHT.
>> James: I MEAN I WOULD BE LIKE, I THINK I WOULD BE LIKE
OH, WE'LL DO IT TOMORROW.
>> OH, OKAY.
WELL, NEXT TIME, NEXT YEAR I WILL-- SAY THAT.
>> James: NEXT YEAR I WILL MAKE SURE TO WISH YOU HAPPY
BIRTHDAY THE DAY BEFORE AND WE'LL SEE HOW IT PLAYS OUT.
>> WELL, THANK YOU AGAIN.
>> James: WELL LISTEN, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TIM.
WE LOVE YOU.
WE REALLY, REALLY DO, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
>> HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
>> James: WE HAVE A FANTASTIC SHOW, LATER WE WILL CHAT WITH
THE ALWAYS CHARMING MAX GREENFIELD AND A PERFORMANCE
FROM ASHE AND NIALL HORAN YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS BUT FIRST THE
HEADLINES.
THIS MORNING PRESIDENT TRUMP MADE HIS FIRST PUBLIC APPEARANCE
IN SIX DAYS.
HE HAS BASICALLY BEEN IN HIDING SINCE SHORTLY AFTER THE ELECTION
AND THAT EXPLAINS WHY YOU HAVE BEEN HAVING SUCH A GREAT WEEK.
BUT TRUMP FINALLY CAME OUT OF HIS HOLE.
AND YES, I CAN CONFIRM HE SAW HIS SHADOW.
WHICH MEANS IT'S GOING TO BE SIX MORE WEEKS OF VOTER FRAUD
CLAIMS.
IT IS HIS FIRST PUBLIC APPEARANCE IN I DAS.
SO I GUESS DONE A-- DONALD TRUMP IS CAPABLE OF QUARANTINING.
SERIOUSLY, HE WAS OUT IN PUBLIC SO MUCH MORE WHEN HE WAS
CONTAGIOUS WITH CORONAVIRUS.
AND TRUMP IS STILL UNWILLING TO CONCEDE TO PRESIDENT-ELECT JOE
BIDEN.
LAST NIGHT TRUMP TWEETED PEOPLE WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS RIGGED
ELECTION.
TO BE CLEAR, HE'S NOT TALKING ABOUT "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE, IS HE?
IT'S NOT "PEOPLE" MAGAZINE.
BECAUSE THE ONLY THING PEOPLE IS BEING TO ACCEPT IS AN IN-DEPTH
INTERVIEW WITH KRISTEN CHENOWETH WHEN SHE GETS REAL ABOUT FAITH,
FAMILY AND ALL THE BROADWAY DRAMA YOU CAN HANDLE.
I MEAN PEOPLE WILL BE FINE.
IF PEOPLE CAN ACCEPT TACO BELL RETIRING THE MEXICAN PIZZA WHICH
IS AN OUTRAGE, I'M PRETTY SURE THEY CAN ACCEPT THIS.
MEANWHILE DESPITE THE PRESIDENT'S PAIN, ELECTION
OFFICIALS IN DOZENS OF STATES REPRESENTING BOTH POLITICAL
PARTIES HAVE DECLARED THAT THERE WAS NO WIDESPREAD ELECTION
FRAUD.
TRUMP'S LEGAL TEAM OFFICIALLY RESPONDED WITH NUH-UH, THERE
WAS.
(LAUGHTER) IT IS HARD TO KNOW WHO TO PLEEF.
ON THE WITHIN HAND YOU HAVE THE WORD OF DOZENS OF BIPARTISAN
ELECTION OFFICIALS.
ON THE OTHER HAND YOU HAVE THE WORD OF TRUMP'S LAWYER.
>> ALL THE NETWORKS.
SWRZ BUT AFTER FACING PRESSURE FROM REPUBLICANS THE STATE OF
GEORGIA ANNOUNCED EARLIER THAT THERE WILL BE A FULL HAND
RECOUNT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
A FULL HAND RECOUNT OR AS WE CALL IT HERE IN CALIFORNIA, AN
ARTISANAL BOOTH TO TABLE RECOUNT.
THERE IS NO INDICATION THIS WILL CHANGE THE OUTCOME BUT HEY, WHY
NOT FORCE A BUNCH OF PEOPLE TO SPEND DAYS INDOOR TOGETHER
DURING A SPIKING PANDEMIC.
WHAT HARM CAN IT DO.
WE'RE ALL HAVING FUN.
TRUMP'S BEHIND BY 14,000 VOTES IN GEORGIA.
YOU KNOW HOW BIG OF A SCREWUP IT WOULD TAKE TO GET SOMETHING LIKE
THAT WRONG?
THAT WOULD BE LUKE TRYING TO BOOK AN EVENT AT THE FOUR
SEASONS HOTEL BUT INSTEAD BOOKING IT AT FOUR SEASONS TOTAL
LANDSCAPING.
I MEAN THAT STORY WAS FOUR DAYS AGO AND IT STILL IS FUNNY TO ME
EVERY SINGLE DAY.
SOMETIMES I SIT AND I THINK ABOUT IT AND I IMAGINE THE
BEHIND THE SCENES, THE RIGAMAROOLL.
CAN YOU IMAGINE WHAT IT WAS LIKE T WAS BETWEEN A PORN SHOP AND A
CREMATORIUM.
>> James: YEAH.
>> IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUNNY WITHOUT THAT AND IT GAVE US THAT
TOO.
>> James: I KNOW.
AND THEN THEY WERE LIKE THIS IS ALREADY SO FUNNY, WHO SHOULD GO
AND SPEAK.
I KNOW.
BUT JOE BIDEN'S NATIONAL VOTE TOTAL CONTINUES TO GROW.
RIGHT NOW IN THE POPULAR VOTE BIDEN HAS JUST SURPASSED 5
MILLION VOTE LEAD OVER TRUMP.
DO YOU BELIEVE THAT?
>> WHOOO.
>> James: BELIEVE IT.
>> Reggie: OH YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
>> James: FIVE MILLION ILLEGAL VOTES.
(LAUGHTER) ALL TOTAL BIDEN HOLDS 50.8 PERSZ
OF THE POPULAR VOTE, THE HIGHEST PERCENTAGE FOR ANY PRESIDENTIAL
CHALLENGER SINCE FDA IN 1932.
HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED.
BACK THEN FDR TOLD US THAT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR BUT FEAR
ITSELF.
NOW DONALD TRUMP TELLS US WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR BUT VOTER
FRAUD, IMMIGRANT, MUSLIMS, FREE HEALTH CARE, MIB MUL WAGE AND
LET'S NOT FORGET BAD WATER PRESSURE.
GO I MISS ANYTHING?
IAN WHAT ELSE DO WE HAVE TO FEAR?
ANYTHING ELSE TO FEAR.
>> YOU KNOW WHEN YOU ARE HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH SOMEONE OR A
COUPLE PEOPLE AND THEY BRING UP A MOVIE AND YOU PRETEND YOU HAVE
SEEN THAT MOVIE TO KEEP THE CONVERSATION.
>> James: I KNOW EXACTLY, DO I IT NIGHTLY.
(LAUGHTER) >> I CANNOT TELL YOU-- I CANNOT
TELL YOU HOW MUCH I I APPRECIATE THAT, I TELL YOU WHAT JAY LENO
TOLD ME TO DO.
THE WEEK BEFORE OUR FIRST SHOW WE SHOT A SKETCH WITH JAY PLENO
AND HE WAS JUST A GREAT GUY.
HE WENT, JAMES, DID YOU THIS FOR-- JAY, DID YOU THIS FOR 30
YEAR, ANY ADVICE.
>> HE GOES HERE'S THE THING, YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO WATCH ALL
THE MOVIES, WILL YOU NEVER DO IT.
WHAT YOU DO, THEY WILL SEND YOU A SCREENER, JUST FORWARD IT,
FORWARD IT FOR LIKE A MINUTE AND THEN JUST STOP AND WHEREVER IT
IS, WATCH THAT SCENE.
AND THEN WHEN ARE YOU TALKING TO THEM, YOU GO OH, HERE'S THE SEEN
SCENE HE I LOVE.
(LAUGHTER) NESS I LOVE THAT SCENE IN THE
GAS STATION.
AND THEY GO WOW, YOU MUST HAVE SCENE IT IF YOU LUKED THAT SCENE
IN THE GAS SPHAITION.
IT IS A LITTLE WEIRD THAT 50.8 PIRS OF THE VOTE IS CONSIDERED A
SOLID LEAD.
IS IT LIKE IN REGULAR LIFE IF SOMEONE CAME UP AND SAID YEAH,
ABOUT 50.8 PERCENT OF THE PEOPLE WHO WORK HERE LIKE YOU, YOU
WOULD BE LIKE WELL I MUST BE A COMPLETE AS [BLEEP].
>> WE WANTED TO SHOW YOU THIS, THE WEBSITE LOSER.COM HAS BEEN
UPDATED.
NOW IF YOU VISIT THE SITE YOU WILL BE IMMEDIATELY REDIRECTED
TO DONALD TRUMP'S WIKIPEDIA PAGE.
THIS REALLY HAS TO STING FOR TRUMP.
THIS IS A BIG THING.
HE HAS EVEN LOST LOST THE SUPPORT OF TROLLS.
LOSER.COM.
WHAT A WSH SITE IT SOUNDS LUKE AN INSULT WOULD YOU HEAR AT
SCHOOL IN THE EARLY 2 THOUSAND.
WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE BEDAZZLED LOW RISE JEANS,
LOSER.COM?
HEY, IAN, WHERE DID YOU GET THEM SOCKSES, LOSER.COM?
NOW, I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO DO ONE BACK.
I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE IN ON THE FUN.
I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE-- (LAUGHTER)
>> MUCH LIKE THIS MUSTACHE MY TRUST IN YOU WILL TAKE ANOTHER
TWO MONTHS TO GROW BACK.
>> Reggie: OH MY LORD.
>> James: I CAN'T STRESS ENOUGH, I ITY THIS
YOU-- THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE IN ON THE FUN.
GO ON, SAY ONE BACK TO ME, PICK ONE FOR ME FOR LOSER.COM, GO ON.
>> WHERE CAN I STREAM CATS, LOSER.COM?
>> James: OH.
THAT IS QUITE A FUN GAME, ACTUALLY.
>> THAT IS KIND OF FUN, I LIKED IT.
>> James: QUITE A FUN GAME, YOU KNOW WHERE YOU CAN STREAM
>> WOW, ALL THE NETWORKS SLM.
>> James: AND FINALLY WE WANT TO HE SHOW YOU THIS, A TOWN IN
JAPAN HAS FOUND A RATHER UNUSUAL WAY TO SCARE AWAY BEARS.
THESE BEARS HAVE BEEN BOTHERING THE TOWN RESIDENTS THEY ARE
USING A MOTION SENSOR DEVICE THAT THEY ARE CALLING A MONSTER
WOLF ROBOT.
HERE ST HERE.
ALTHOUGH IT REALLY DOES STOP THEM, THE WAY IT WORKS, THE BEAR
TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE MONSTER WOLF ROBOT AND JUST DIES
LAUGHING.
I WOULD HAVE LOVED TO HAVE BEEN IN THAT TOWN COUNCIL MEETING
WHEN SOMEONE IS LIKE HMMMM, SPITBALLING HERE, I KNOW WE HAVE
A PROBLEM WITH THE BEARS, ANYONE CONSIDER A MONSTER WOLF ROBOT?
YOU KNOW, A MONSTER WOLF, PUT IT UP ON A THING, YOU KNOW, MOTION
SEN CERTIFICATE AND THEY ARE LIKE I WAS GOING TO SENSE A
SIREN BUT LET'S GO WITH MONSTER WOLF ROBOTMENT YAW T IS
CUSTOMIZABLE TOO.
IF YOU WANT TO SCARE EVERYONE AWAY YOU CAN CHANGE IT TO AN
EVEN CRAZIER NOISE LIKE THIS.
>> WOW, ALL THE NETWORKS.
WOW, ALL THE NETWORKS.