if you love someone who has an addiction and you just spin
around and around and around with them about it you've exhausted yourself you've argued you've
threatened you've begged you've bartered you've promised you've been nice you've been mean you've
done everything you spent money and you just can't get anywhere and you're just exhausted i mean
completely exhausted and you're asking yourself why can't i just walk away from this person
because i know that there's a piece of you inside that really wishes you could just walk away from
it but something inside keeps you stuck and that's what we're going to talk about in this video
for those of you who are new here welcome to put the shovel down this is a youtube channel designed
to help you understand the science and psychology of addiction so you can get your life and your
loved ones back on track and on this channel we're all about giving you practical advice
really useful pieces of information that you can actually take action with okay back to our topic
why is it so hard why can't you just walk away i'm gonna give you five reasons and this is really
gonna help you understand why you're so stuck and then i'm gonna give you a little bonus explanation
giving you a little science in there and of course at the end i'm going to give you a practical tip
on how to get some distance and protect yourself and a little bit more of a healthy boundary in
place so the first reason why it's really hard to walk away is because you still see glimpses
of your loved one in there there are definitely moments when you see who they are and when you see
that side of your loved one that's there sometimes it's because you're getting real glimpses of them
and it makes it really hard to let go because you know that they're still in there and other times
you're really just seeing a manipulation from the addiction the addicted part of them will show you
what they know you want to see to keep you drawn in now the second thing that may keep you feeling
really stuck and kind of like a co-dependent situation with your addicted loved one is because
you know what they're capable of this one's really hard for me because one of the things that i'm
kind of good at is i'm good at seeing what other people are good at and when i have people in my
office who are struggling with addictions i can see their potential so clearly it is like
a red neon blinking sign i have this problem with people in general because i can see what they're
capable of usually more than they can see it and it makes you extra crazy when you could
see they have all of this inside of them and what they could do in the world if they would just
let go of this addiction and it is crazy making i understand this one gets me all the time now
the third thing that's probably keeping you hostage and making you feel stuck in this
codependent relationship is that you feel guilty for moving on now i can't remember i heard this
in a youtube video i don't even know it wasn't even about addiction at all about something else
but i heard this person say guilt is the number one thing that will hold you back in your life
from getting the things that you want and that really stuck with me because i really had to think
about that i didn't really realize that before but it's true it's guilt for asking for what you need
guilt for setting a boundary guilt for not care taking someone else guilt will absolutely hold you
hostage and if this is happening to you you might want to sort of back up and ask yourself is this
reasonable rational guilt or is this some kind of irrational guilt that i'm putting on myself
now the fourth thing that will hold you hostage and keep you from setting a healthy boundary
with an addicted loved one is fear like i said these are going from small to big
fear absolutely handcuffs you to this situation fear of what's going to happen to them fear that
they can hurt someone else fear what's going to happen to your family fear of what your life will
be like without this loved one or what will happen to the children if you leave your spouse fear is
holding you hostage if you're making a decision out of fear it's probably the wrong decision
now the fifth reason and this is another emotional thing that's keeping you tied into the situation
is grief because you're still holding on to these ideas you have in your head about what was or what
you wanted to be and you cannot let go of it um campbell talks about this a lot it's a concept
she talks tremendously a lot with parents about um it's called disenfranchised grief or loss of dream
and so it's like even if this is your spouse it's like you have this idea about how this family was
gonna work and you're just keep trying to force it to be that way and ignoring what's happening so it
could be like the denial part of grief it could be the sadness part of grief but you're holding
on to something and you're just having a hard time letting go of your idea about how something should
be in your head i told you i was going to give you a little science stuff so hang on here because
we're going to nerd out in this explanation a little bit now you may not realize it but
when you're connected to someone like they're in your family they're your spouse they're your child
they're your sibling or your parent you actually have a chemical bond with them you are bonded
to them in your brain the same way someone might be bonded or chemically dependent on a substance
that neurotransmitter is a neurotransmitter called oxytocin it's like the bonding brain chemical
and if you've been around someone for like a really long time you almost build a tolerance
to it which is why like when you first fall in love with someone is so awesome it's really an
addicted state but eventually you feel tolerance to that and you don't even notice that it's there
the same way as an alcoholic could drink six beers and not feel anything you don't even realize that
that neurochemical bond is in place and when you let go of someone or when they're not in your life
suddenly and they've been there for so long you go through a withdrawal the same as like withdrawing
off of a drug heartbreak is a real thing it's chemical in nature you go through this sadness
this depression this withdrawal this craving for the person and that's another big thing that's
keeping you tied in to this situation more than you wish you were now here's my little practical
tip that i promise to give you instead of thinking about walking away from the situation i want you
to just think of it like i'm going to take a step back if you need to take a step back it is
sometimes easier to just do like in recovery they call this the one day at a time concept so people
in recovery often think about well i'm sober for today and if they start thinking about being sober
for the rest of their life it freaks them out so they just think about it one day at a time like
today i'm gonna be sober you know i've got today and that may be a really helpful concept for you
to grab onto as a family member as well just for today what do you need to do today you don't have
to decide you're cutting them off you don't have to decide you're never talking to them again in
fact i strongly encourage you not to make any kind of big promises like i've never talk to you again
i'm never gonna give you money again or i'm never gonna believe you again like i really encourage
you not to have those big statements what i'd like for you to do is just think about for today
i need a little distance i'll reconsider the situation tomorrow and in those little doses it's
not nearly as scary it's a lot more manageable and it's not going to hit those fear grief
guilt all those buttons it's not going to hit them nearly as hard if you'll take it a little
piece at a time i'm guessing if you're watching this video you're not only are you in a situation
with an addicted loved one but you're probably in a really bad situation with an addicted loved
one you may even be in a situation where someone is emotionally abusive or physically abusive or
they just will not respect any sort of boundary whatsoever so up next i want you to watch these
videos about boundaries and about things that you should not tolerate from an addicted loved one