What should you do if your spouse wants to get divorced, but you don’t?
What if they’re determined to end the marriage, but you want to put in the effort to try and
save it and stay together?
Keep watching, because that’s what I’m going to teach you right here in this video.
I’m Brad Browning, AKA The Marriage Guy, and I’m a marriage and breakup coach and
best-selling author of Mend the Marriage, a guide to saving your marriage from the brink
of divorce.
I’ve helped thousands of couples avoid separation and divorce and re-build a happy, lasting
marriage… which is what I hope you’ll be able to do after you finish watching this
video.
Before we begin, let me just give you a bit of good news: it’s often possible to save
a marriage even if you’re the only one willing to put in the effort.
You CAN save your marriage alone, or at least begin the process and start turning things
around, even if your spouse is currently determined to get divorced.
Now, not every marriage is fixable -- and in fact, some marriages are so toxic that
it’s not even advisable to continue trying.
But if you really believe you and your spouse can have a happy future together, there are
many things you can start doing today to improve the situation and begin to change their mind
about staying together.
Now, let me share 2 unavoidable facts you need to accept right now:
Fact #1 - Your spouse isn’t happy in the marriage right now.
I think this is pretty obvious, but what I actually mean by this is that your ex isn’t
necessarily unhappy with YOU, but rather they’re unhappy with the state of your marriage.
What this means is that any positive change you make to your marriage -- whether it’s
initiated by you, by your spouse, or even on its own without either of you putting in
any effort -- is going to change your spouse’s feelings about the health of your marriage.
It may also make them more likely to buy back in and re-commit to staying together.
Keep this important concept in mind as you watch the rest of this video.
Fact #2 - Any relationship is based on something called a “response pattern”.
This is essentially a revolving, ongoing stimulus cycle between you and your spouse.
Think of it this way: anything you do and say to your spouse is a STIMULUS.
Your ex’s reaction is the RESPONSE.
You react to their reaction, and they in turn react to your reaction, and so on… and this
response pattern continues onward from there in a downward spiral.
What this means is that when the initial ‘stimulus’ changes, your partner’s response will also
change.
And therefore, when you change your behaviour, this will change your spouse’s reaction…
and in turn this will affect the entire dynamic of your relationship.
So, by changing the initial stimulus -- your initial behaviour that begins the response
pattern -- you break the negative cycle before it can even begin.
Let’s take a hypothetical example to illustrate what I mean.
Let’s imagine you and your spouse often argue about who is responsible for putting
the kids to bed at night.
You think this should be your partner’s job, because you get home from work later
than your spouse, and you already have other chores you need to deal with when you get
home.
This could lead to your spouse feeling resentful, blow up into an argument, and spiral into
a bigger dispute over who does more work around the house and who is being lazy or failing
to pull their weight in the marriage.
In this example, the original issue -- the stimulus in the response pattern -- is your
spouse’s desire to have you put the kids to bed at night.
Your reaction, or the response in the pattern, is the refusal to agree and to push back by
arguing that you already have other chores to deal with when you get home from work.
This leads to your spouse reacting again by becoming angry and defensive, and things spiral
from there as the response pattern continues.
In the end, you both wind up unhappy, and your marriage suffers from the argument.
Obviously, when this happens regularly, both of you are going to be unhappy with the marriage
and your life in general.
It’s time to break this cycle, and you can do that by yourself without any help from
your partner.
This “action and reaction” cycle that constitutes every marriage is one of the reasons
that you can save your marriage alone.
Simply put, you have the power to disrupt the negative cycle by making a change to the
action or the re-action.
Think about it: in the example I just described, what if you simply agreed to put the kids
to bed 3 days per week when you don’t work late, while your spouse handles the other
days of the week?
Or maybe you agree to alternate putting the kids to bed on even or odd days, splitting
the job 50/50.
The reaction from your husband or wife will no longer be nearly as toxic or negative,
and you’ve suddenly broken the negative response pattern just by changing your initial
behaviour.
The argument, withdrawal, and unhappiness that follows can often be avoided as a result.
Now, obviously, there are times that you can’t -- and shouldn’t -- simply give in to your
spouse’s demands and do whatever he or she wants.
This can also be damaging to your marriage and to your own mental health.
And I also realize that the example I just described somewhat simplistic and maybe not
always realistic in the real world …. But, there’s often many ways to change the response
pattern through compromise, alternative arrangements, or simply avoiding the issue altogether somehow.
And again, this doesn’t require your spouse to change anything consciously on their end,
it just requires you to make that initial change to the response pattern before it spirals
out of control and leads to arguments and bitterness.
Simply put, by making a small change to your own behavior, your partner won’t need to
use their coping mechanism and the negative cycle of actions and re-actions no longer
needs to occur at all.
If this happens enough, a new pattern of behaviours will emerge.
Assuming the new actions and reactions are positive, the relationship will take a turn
for the better and it’s all uphill from there.
If you need my personal ongoing help to change the response pattern in your marriage, all
you need to do is visit MarriageGuy.com/Coaching right now and check my current coaching availability.
If you see that I have any spots available right now, click register and send me the
details of your specific situation.
From that point on, we’ll correspond regularly and I’ll work with you to make a plan and
start turning things around in your marriage beginning today.
Again, to learn more about my coaching or sign up right now, go to MarriageGuy.com/Coaching.
Now, let’s move on and talk more about how you can save your marriage ALONE….
And in fact, I’ve got some really good news to share with you on this topic.
There are actually some real benefits to starting to work on saving your marriage alone, without
any involvement on your spouse’s part.
Benefit #1 of going it alone: you’ll prevent your spouse from focusing on the problems
in your marriage.
Typically, talking with your partner about the problems in your relationship actually
only makes matters worse.
This may seem counter-intuitive, especially with so many marriage experts preaching about
the importance of communication to any relationship.
But the truth is that talking about marital problems tends to simply reinforce the fact
that there are major issues plaguing the marriage, and focuses the attention (for both of you)
onto these problems.
Every discussion about the issues in your marriage is a reminder for your partner of
all the problems you’re facing.
Often, it’s much better for you and your spouse to be spending quality, positive time
together than it is to re-visit the same issues and arguments again and again.
So, by taking the first steps on your own, you can help to create this more positive
atmosphere in your marriage without reminding your spouse about the problems that led you
to this point.
Now, I’m not saying you should just try to avoid acknowledging or tackling major issues
in the marriage forever, just that you should be focusing on spending some positive time
together rather than always focusing on discussing problems with your spouse.
Benefit #2 of going it alone: you can begin to make positive changes immediately.
When you decide to begin working on saving your marriage on your own, you don’t have
to wait for anyone else before you begin.
You can start right now.
Unlike in marriage counseling, where it may take weeks or months to make progress (especially
if you’re only seeing the therapist weekly or even less frequently), changes to your
own behavior and to the stimulus-response cycle described above can begin now.
That means that you can begin to work on mending your marriage today, as soon as you finish
watching this video.
Benefit #3 of going it alone: your spouse doesn’t need to know you’re putting in
the effort.
Why is this possibly a good thing?
Well, if you actively try to involve your spouse in any efforts to repair your marriage
from the start, any kind of hurdles you face or any periods of slow progress will discourage
your partner and could make them feel pessimistic about any chance of things working out.
Putting in the effort and not seeing any results can be discouraging and further cement your
spouse’s feelings that divorce is the only option.
But when you start by making changes on your own, without your partner knowing you’re
doing anything differently, there’s no pressure to make immediate and dramatic improvements…
you can slowly make subtle changes that will add up and begin to shift their feelings about
your potential future together.
In other words, when your spouse isn’t aware there’s any active effort going on to make
positive changes to the health of your relationship, they will feel like things are getting better
on their own.
This can be very encouraging and help convince them to buy back in, at which point you can
work together to continue to address problems and re-build your connection and chemistry.
Now, before we wrap this video up, I want to cover one more topic…
I want to explain one of the 3 “Marriage Murdering Mistakes” that most married couples
make without even realizing it.
This particular Marriage Murdering Mistake is one of the most toxic and most common for
a lot of couples in your situation.
What is this huge mistake that so many people fall victim to?
Well, it’s buying in to the belief that you need to “talk it out” with your spouse
in order to resolve conflicts or fix ongoing issues that are plaguing your marriage.
This a very damaging myth that you must avoid buying into if you want to have any chance
of fixing things with your spouse, and it’s something I mentioned earlier briefly.
Now… while it’s true that communication is important in any relationship, and some
issues can be worked out by talking them through with your spouse… you’re beyond that point.
Where you’re at now, in the depths of a marriage crisis, and on the brink of divorce
-- talking about the same old problems that led to this point will only ever make matters
worse.
When you’ve already tried talking through all the problems and you’ve already spent
hours arguing over these issues, talk is not the answer.
This is also why marriage counseling is not always the right choice if your marriage is
on the verge of collapse.
As I mentioned earlier, when you talk with your spouse about the problems in your marriage,
you’re reminding them of these issues and reinforcing your partner’s belief that there
are many fundamental issues that you disagree on.
Worse yet, these “serious discussions” usually end up turning into arguments, and
they become more destructive than constructive.
The sooner you start turning the negative interactions you’ve been having with your
spouse -- arguments, bickering, or heated debates over long-standing topics of disagreement
that you’ve already discussed dozens of times in the past -- the sooner you can re-build
the bond and the connection with your spouse.
You need fun times and laughter, not bickering and serious talks….
That’s what will make your spouse start believing in a future for your marriage.
Don’t try to talk your way out of it, you’re already past that point.
There will come a time for open communication and active team efforts to address lingering
issues, but first you need to re-inject some hope and re-build a bit of positive chemistry.
As I mentioned, this is just 1 of the 3 Marriage Murdering Mistakes that destroy so many marriages…
there are two more HUGE and very damaging errors that I discuss in the free video on
my website, and you’ll definitely want to avoid making those mistakes too.
Watch my full tutorial right now at www.MarriageGUy.com to learn about all 3 common marriage-killing
mistakes and how you can avoid them.
Before we end this video, I want to leave you with one final piece of important advice:
it’s time for you to commit yourself to being the catalyst for change in your relationship.
Take the high road, and be the one to start the process of repairing the relationship
and reverting back to the happy couple you were in the early honeymoon phase of your
marriage.
That means, more than anything else, showing kindness to your spouse and being the one
to break old habits and replace negative interactions and encounters with positive ones.
This can often be very small, simple things -- a random kiss out of the blue, a phone
call in the afternoon while your spouse is at work, or a compliment on something they’re
good at it.
Instead of thinking of you and the time you spend together as a nightmare your spouse
is desperate to avoid, you want him or her to start wanting to spend time with you again.
You get to that point by building up the kindness through many small actions, and by enjoying
fun, positive experiences together.
Eventually, your spouse will start to buy back in, and let go of the idea that a divorce
is the only solution.
It’s not an easy path to happiness and a long-term future together, but if you can
keep your head up and start to be the catalyst for positive change, there’s usually still
a chance to turn things around before it’s too late.
Thanks so much for watching this video all the way to the end… and a huge thank you
to everyone who has subscribed to my channel, clicked the like button, or left a comment
below.
I love hearing from you guys in the comments and I sincerely appreciate your support by
subscribing and liking my videos.
Good luck, and see you again soon!