- Hey everybody, happy Thursday.
Now today, we're gonna answer the question,
what are the different attachment styles?
But before I jump into that,
if you're new to my channel,
I know there are lots of you, welcome.
Make sure you're subscribed and have those notifications
turned on because I put out videos
on Mondays and Thursdays and I don't want you to miss out.
But let's jump in to today's topic.
Now attachment styles have been discussed
since John Bowlby started talking about it
in the late 1960's.
He believed attachment to be all or nothing,
meaning that we either have a healthy attachment
or we don't, very black and white.
You know how much I love that.
Don't like it, John Bowlby.
But, the good news is that research has gone on
to show that there is much more to attachment.
And now, they have concluded that there are four
main styles, and if you wanna read more
about the research that has led us to this conclusion,
I'll link some articles in the description.
Because attachment is something that we develop as children,
all studies that were conducted that you'll read about
if you click those links in the description,
they were done so on children.
And I think that's kind of important for us to know.
But there are also different stages to attachment.
And I believe these are really important for us
to understand first before we get into discussing
the four different styles.
And so the first stage is pre-attachment stage,
and this occurs from birth to three months.
During this time, babies don't show any preference
to their caregivers, as long as someone comes
when they cry and changes them when they need to,
they feel taken care of and are able to be soothed easily.
And there are a lot of different theories
as to why this is, but it's just important
to know that for the first three months,
we don't really care who's taking care of us
as long as we're getting taken care of.
The second stage is indiscriminate attachment,
and from roughly six weeks, you're gonna notice
there's odd overlaps in these different time frames
because everybody's different,
but roughly from six weeks to seven months,
babies show some preference for their primary
and secondary caregivers.
Usually this is mother or father,
but it could be nanny, aunt, grandma, whomever.
And they will still be easily soothed
by another person, but are better at distinguishing
between familiar and unfamiliar people.
The third stage is discriminate attachment.
And this starts from seven months, roughly,
to 11 months, and this is when babies will show
a definite preference for one caregiver,
and will protest if they're separated from them.
We've all seen this, right?
Little kids who are cuddling with their mom
or their father or someone,
and we try to, oh I wanna hold you,
and so they give them to you
and they scream bloody murder
and they will not be soothed.
And so this stage is when separation anxiety
first shows itself in children.
And they show anxiety around strangers as well.
And now moving into the fourth stage,
which is multiple attachments.
And this occurs around nine months or so.
And children at this point are able to form
close bonds with more than just their primary caregiver.
This means they could feel attached and comfortable
and easily soothed by grandparents, siblings,
or another parent.
Now that we've discussed how and when attachment is formed,
let's talk about the different types
that can appear as a result.
And the first style I'm gonna talk
about is secure attachment.
When a child has this type of attachment,
they will feel easily soothed and safe
when they're with their primary caregiver.
If they're distressed, they'll turn towards
their caregiver, or seek them out in some way.
This attachment is formed when a child knows
that they can count on their caregiver
to be there for them when they cry
and soothe them and care for them,
meaning that throughout their life,
whenever they needed someone,
they needed this parent or this caregiver,
they were there.
Therefore, they'll use this secure attachment
as a safe base from which they feel free
to explore all that's around them.
The second style is insecure avoidant.
This is when children do not attach
to their primary caregiver
because they don't feel that they can count on them.
This usually means that their primary caregiver
either hasn't been there for them at all
when they needed it or has been extremely rejecting
or dismissive of their needs altogether.
We've seen those parents when we're out sometimes
in public, right, if a child is crying or in distress,
they will scream at them and say,
"you're embarrassing me, stop it,
get it together," and almost talk to them
kind of like they're adults
and supposed to be able to control themselves
and soothe themselves when we know that's just not the case.
And we can see this style of attachment
by watching children that are in distress,
because they will not seek contact
with their primary attachment figure.
In fact, they won't even show a preference
between their primary caregiver and a complete stranger.
And I would hypothesize this is because
they actually don't know who's gonna be able
to soothe them better.
They don't know one's gonna be better than the other,
so whoever's there will take it.
The third style is insecure ambivalent.
And yes, I recognize these names are terrible,
but it just gives you kind of an idea
of how a child may feel, and children
with this type of attachment will be
clingy and needy of their caregiver,
but when the caregiver comes to their aid,
let's say they're crying and fussing
and their mom comes over to soothe them,
they're rejecting of them,
and they're not easily soothed.
Some kids can even become more upset
when their parent comes over to help,
and so this can cause the caregiver
to not know what to do.
Imagine if you're a parent, you're
trying to soothe your child,
but they just are more distressed.
And thus, it can perpetuate these ambivalent attachment
feelings because we don't know who we can count on
or how to even be soothed.
And the fourth attachment style is disorganized.
And children with this type of attachment
will show a confusing mix of attachment behaviors
and may even appear to be confused or disoriented.
They believe that this attachment style
is caused by inconsistency from their caregivers.
That means that a parent may be soothing
at some points in life and some times,
and can be helpful, but at other times,
they can be really hurtful and fear inducing.
Now to get into the real meat of this question
and this answer overall is
what does this mean for us as adults?
Now researchers have linked poor attachment to
PTSD, ODD, which stands for Oppositional Defiant Disorder,
and CD, otherwise known as Conduct Disorder.
As well as low self esteem, depression, and anxiety.
And they even find that we can struggle
to have happy and healthy relationships with others
as we get older.
And I know that that's a lot to take in
and there's a bunch of different things
that I just briefly addressed,
but that's because everybody's gonna be different.
There's four different styles of attachment.
There are millions of different people
responding to those attachments in different ways.
Therefore, just know that some of your mental health issues
can come from your attachment.
And now on to the most important part.
What can we do about it?
And luckily, there's a ton that we can do.
And my first recommendation would be
to work with a therapist to process through
any trauma or upset you've had in your past.
We can heal from our past attachment.
We just have to have someone that can be validating,
that listens to us, and helps us learn how to self soothe.
I'm sure you kind of recognized,
while I was talking about all four types of attachment,
that a lot of it has to do with the ability to soothe.
And so talking with a therapist, feeling validated
as you express all that you may feel
can be extremely soothing and beneficial.
And my second tip is to pay attention to how you respond
or react in relationships
and note which things you would like to change or work on.
Because attachment happens when we're babies,
often a lot of the unhealthy behaviors
that we exhibit as a result of that
are innate in us, or knee jerk reactions.
And so if we take the time to be mindful
and notice what behaviors we're doing
that aren't beneficial to our relationships,
then and only then can we actually start working on them.
And rolling right off of the second one,
my third tip is to be mindful of your emotions.
You can use feelings charts.
You can go back to what I described
about the story of an emotion,
finding out where it came from
and what you're trying to express
and then even get into describing the emotion,
so if we use the feelings charts
and we take one of those emotions,
let's say that emotion is anger,
most people don't like that emotion,
instead of just saying, "I feel angry"
I encourage you to try to describe it using other words,
like I feel really agitated,
like there's a fire inside and I wanna be really impulsive.
We need to learn how to describe it
so that we can allow ourselves to safely feel it.
And in turn, that gives us more control
over how we express all that we're feeling
to those that we're in relationships with.
And my fourth tip is to notice what
in your relationship triggers some of the more
uncomfortable emotions.
We all have emotions that we are fine with
and ones that we try to avoid,
so notice when we're feeling those ones
that we're trying to avoid.
And bring these situations up in therapy
so that we can work on emotion regulation techniques,
like back burner, reducing your vulnerability
to those triggers.
We've talked about HALT, hungry, angry, lonely, tired.
Are you experiencing any of those?
We probably should take care of that,
as well as the acronym PLEASE,
and I'll link my videos for DBT in the description
so you can learn more about that.
By taking the time to take care of ourselves
and meet all those basic needs that we all have,
we're lowering our own vulnerability to certain triggers,
and that can make us better able to manage
any upsets that come along with every relationship.
And my fifth tip is to also notice
if you're not letting people in in general,
part of the avoidant type,
because you're afraid of what may come up.
We need to begin by talking about this
with your therapist, because avoiding
any close relationship so that attachment issues
don't come up really doesn't make anything better.
It honestly just keeps us isolated.
And medications can also help, too.
SSRIs and SNRIs, otherwise known as antidepressants,
have been used to help with depression or anxiety
that may exist as a result of an unhealthy attachment style.
But just know, the one message I hope you get
from this video, is that with personal insight
and the right support,
we can go on to have happy and healthy relationships
with those who are deserving of it.
This video has been brought to you
by the Kinions on Patreon.
If you would like to support the creation
of these mental health videos,
click the link in the description and check it out.
And I'm curious, let me know in those comments.
What attachment style do you identify with?
Have you talked about this with your therapist?
Is this something that you've wanted to bring up?
Let us know in those comments because
we learn together with your experience and my expertise.
We work towards a healthy mind and a healthy body.
And I will see you next time, bye.