- So let's talk about a topic
that is unfortunately
becoming really, really common in today's dating sphere.
And it's the topic of gaslighting.
And there's a lot of confusion out there around
what is gaslighting.
Because gaslighting is different
than just having a disagreement with somebody
or someone just being a jerk.
Gaslighting is a specific tactic.
It's a calculated move that people make
to make the other person doubt their perception,
doubt their memory, doubt their sanity,
feel like they might be losing it.
It's a manipulation tactic to gain control
in the relationship.
And if you notice that somebody's gaslighting,
you can put an end to it
and create the relationship that you actually do want.
So the first obvious form of gaslighting
is where the person denies
that they've either said something or did something
and you've got clear evidence to the contrary.
And it makes you doubt your memory or your sanity.
So this is the person that says,
"I never said that, like you're crazy,"
or, "I never did that.
You're crazy."
And even though you've got a text message,
you've got a voice recording
or even a video recording that they actually did say that.
For example, you meet up at 6:00
which is when they agreed to meet you
and they're not there and you call 'em,
and they're out and about shopping or doing something else
and they tell you, "I never said six o'clock.
I never actually agreed that we were going to meet.
That was all on you."
And they make you wrong.
They completely deny it.
Put you in the position of being wrong
and make you question, "Did I?
Maybe I did.
Maybe I made that up in my mind."
Like you might be thinking,
"Mat, weren't there flowers in your background?"
And if I was gaslighting you,
I'd say, "No, there were no flowers in my background.
Never were there orchids in my background."
And then you rewind this tape and it looks like this.
(playful bright music)
Oh, I guess there were flowers in the background.
That would be an example of gaslighting.
The second really common form of gaslighting
is where your partner will twist your words around
or twist the situation around and make you the one at fault.
Well, let's say that your partner did something
or said something that hurt you
and you wanna bring it up to them.
And gaslighting is where they flip it around
and they're like, "God, I was just joking.
Like you never have a sense of humor.
You're never any fun,"
or, "You're being so dramatic.
Why can't you just relax and calm down?
This is why it's never any fun to be around you."
And they make you feel like you're wrong
for having the emotion you're having.
A healthy relationship
takes responsibility for their own behavior
and then seeks to find a way where,
"Hey, how can we make it right between the two of us?"
So if someone is flipping this around on you
and twisting it on you,
that is absolutely gaslighting and you wanna run.
And the third form of gaslighting
is making you feel like you're going crazy
because the person questions your memory
or your perception of reality.
And this is where the term gaslighting actually originated.
It was a old play in the UK that got adapted into a movie
in the 1940s where the husband
was slowly turning down the lights in the house.
This is just part of the play
and the wife was like, "I think it's getting darker in here.
A dimmer in here."
He's like, "No, this is exactly the same lighting."
And he was doing it intentionally
to make her question her reality
and cause her to think that she was going crazy.
And so for example,
gaslighting in today's world is in a relationship.
Let's say you guys have an argument
and he says something in that argument
and the next day you want to talk about it,
and he's like, "No, I never said that.
Like I think you're imagining things.
Like you're giving me things that I said
that I actually never said."
Or for example, he'll say that you did say something
or did commit to something that you didn't actually do
and he'll get mad at you like,
"You said you were gonna pick up the dry cleaning,"
or, "You said you were gonna do this thing for me.
You said you were gonna do the chores
and you didn't do 'em."
And you're like, "I never said I was."
And he goes, "Wow!
Like you are really losing your mind.
You absolutely said this to me."
And he causes you to question your own mind,
your own memory, your own perception of things.
If you have the feeling
that you might be going crazy in a relationship,
know this, the relationship is crazy in and of itself.
Good chance is not you.
And the fourth way that people tend to gaslight
and this links into the other three,
but I call it the opinion army to make you doubt yourself.
And what this means
is they will put everybody else's opinion
and align them with their own and go against you.
So let's say you get frustrated with something
or let's say you don't like something
and the person gaslighting, you will say,
"Look, everybody else thinks this is cool.
Everybody else thinks I'm a great guy.
I don't know why you're getting so upset.
I don't know why you're overreacting to this.
Everybody else is cool with it except for you."
So what that does is they build an army
and they put you on the outside of that army
making you feel like maybe what you're feeling
or maybe what you're thinking isn't reasonable.
Classic gaslighting technique.
So what do you do
if you feel like someone is gaslighting you?
Let me give you five quick tips
that you can do that will support you
if you're in a relationship that is gaslighting.
Number one is trust your instincts.
Your intuition is there for a reason.
And if you feel like there might be gaslighting going on,
if you feel like you're crazy
or, "Wow, I've never felt so outside my normal self
as I do in this relationship," trust that intuition
that you're probably being manipulated by your partner.
Number two is to keep a journal.
So this can help you refer back
to if the person's saying, "Well, I didn't say this,
and I didn't do this, and I didn't do that."
If you go back to your journal and there it is written
and you have actually got record of what's going on,
that's gonna help you trust yourself, trust your memory,
and actually know that, "Oh, my perception is accurate
and this is what was said,"
versus what your partner is trying to deny.
Number three is to keep healthy boundaries.
And one of the most important things that you can remember
is that you have every right to feel what you feel.
Regardless of if your partner thinks you're overreacting,
regardless of they're building an army
and everybody else thinks it's cool.
Look if you're frustrated with it,
if you don't think it's cool,
you have every right to that feeling.
And there is a perfect way to communicate
in relationships where the two of you honor
and respect each other's experiences
and come together to build something new.
If he's not willing to do that, then know this,
you might just have the wrong partner on your hands.
Number four is to seek support.
And that means that if you're gridlocked,
if you're not getting anywhere
with your partner to call up a therapist,
call up a trusted friend who has expertise
in this particular area and say,
"Hey, here's what I'm thinking.
Here's what I'm seeing.
Here's what's going on.
Do you have some feedback for me?"
And then outside perspective
can often help you get grounded.
And number five, what you can do is if you really notice
there's a lot of gaslighting going on in that relationship
is to recognize it is time to stop paying that gas bill
and get yourself out of that relationship.
Leave that relationship.
It's not healthy.
People who have a pattern of gaslighting
often don't change that pattern very easily
and it's not your job to fix them or coach them
into changing that pattern.
Let them figure out how to change it.
And then later, if the two of you are meant to be,
you can figure it out then.
So I hope this illuminates gaslighting, no pun intended.
And helps you get a better understanding
of what might be going on in your relationship.
And the reason I did this video
is because there were so many questions coming in
and the comments about,
"I think I'm being gas lit or gaslighted,"
you know, different people would use different phrases.
"How do I know?
Can you please do a video on this?"
So my question for you is, what would you love a video on?
What questions do you have that you would love us here
in the Brave Thinking Institute,
Love and Relationships division
to bring you great content for?
Go ahead and post those questions in the comments below
and keep a watch out
because your question might be the one
that we choose for our upcoming video.
I appreciate you.
Here's to your amazing relationship and love life,
and I'll see you soon.
(bright music)