I think when you fear something,
it finds you in life. Uh...
Just as I go to push open the door,
the door opens and it's OJ.
-[audience oohs] -And I'm standing like this,
and all the shit
you said you were gonna say if you saw him.
"No, I'll just ask that motherfucker, 'What up, killer? What up?'"
[audience laughs]
Remember, like, ten years ago someone would be, like,
“I saw a documentary,” and we’d all be like, “Nerd!”
Now if someone’s like, “I saw a documentary,”
it’s like, “Of course you did. How else can you keep up socially?
You’ve gotta see all the documentaries to know what’s going on,
and what did go on, and what will more than likely go on.”
Did you guys see that O.J. documentary?
[smattering of applause]
How did more people not see that?
It’s incredible.
His one friend he grew up with, with the raspy voice?
Know who I’m talking about? That dude--
[raspy falsetto] “O.J....
Growin’ up...
O.J. was always murderin’ people.
I was like, ‘O.J., you can’t be murderin’ pe--’”
His voi-- What did he do for the-- Why? Why was--
[raspy falsetto] “O.J.”
His whole life his friends are like, “I don’t-- You gotta speak up.”
“O.J.!
I don’t think O.J. killed Nicole.
I think he killed Ron Goldman.
And then Nicole accidentally killed herself.”
Like, he has the shittiest theories.
“I mean, I think Nicole and Ron...
killed O.J.,
and then the two of them,
together--” [laughs]
“embodied what we now know as O.J.”
The documentarian’s like, “I can’t use any of this footage.
I can’t use any of this. Where did you even get that?”
“I don’t-- I don’t know.
I haven’t seen him in, like, 35 years.
He might have done it-- Actually, he might-- He did it. He did it.”
Colin Kaepernick - he caused a lot of consternation, man.
Everybody's upset about that taking-a-knee thing.
Even O.J. weighed in on it.
O.J. said it was disrespectful not to stand for the national anthem.
I'm like, "Hey, didn't you kill two people?"
I mean, you and Ray Lewis are pretty judgmental for murderers.
I'd rather take a knee than a knife.
You gonna stand for the national anthem. You didn't even stop in a Bronco.
Who would have imagined--
Like if you went to a psychic two years ago,
and they told you,
"Um... Bill Cosby will be in jail and OJ will be out."
[audience laughing]
You would have said, "Give me my fucking money back.
-[laughter] -You don't know what you're talkin' about.
That's impossible."
But here we are.
I read an article where OJ said he wants to be a preacher.
[laughing]
Yeah, that shit made me laugh, too.
'Cause if OJ preached, he'd have to preach the Nine Commandments, okay?
[audience laughs]
That motherfucker don't know all ten. Come on.
[audience cackling]
He don't know all ten.
Anybody got a friend that always got negative shit to say?
To the point where you almost try to avoid them?
-Anybody? Yes. -[applause]
Ooh, let's talk about them motherfuckers.
[audience laughs]
Just people that-- You could say, "Hi," first and, "Beautiful day out."
But they start conversations with, "You know who got chlamydia?"
-"Stop, man. Stop. -[laughter]
The fuck you bring that to me for?" You know?
But he said to me, out of the blue,
"Yo, man. I didn't know OJ didn't like you, bruh."
And I'm like, "What?"
[stammers] This is the Butcher of Brentwood
-you're talking about, okay? -[laughing]
Don't tell me this motherfucker don't like me.
Somebody who's been accused of cutting off heads and shit. [laughs]
Don't tell me this motherfucker don't like me.
Now that's in me.
I can't stop thinking about that now.
[laughing]
I went to Vegas.
-[whoos] -And apparently OJ lives in Nevada now.
Okay, I walk in a restaurant with my girl after my show, we go to have a steak.
And I seat her and then I go to the bathroom 'cause I'm over 50.
-[laughter] -And... [chuckles] yeah.
Some of you know what I mean.
You have to pee all the fucking time when you're over 50.
There are times when I pee and then I'm washing my hands and I say,
"Hey, I have to pee again."
[roaring laughter]
Where did that pee come from?
[continued laughter]
So I'm going to the bathroom, and I think when you fear something,
it finds you in life. Uh...
Just as I go to push open the door,
the door opens and it's OJ.
-[audience oohs] -And I'm standing like this,
and all the shit
you said you were gonna say if you saw him.
"No, I'll just ask that motherfucker, 'What up, killer? What up?'"
[audience laughs]
-I didn't say none of that shit. -[laughter]
I'm gonna tell y'all exactly what I did.
My hand was like this and I said, [soft voice] "Ooh, Juice."
That's exactly what I did.
-I don't know what the fuck got into me. -[laughing]
I've never said, "Ooh, juice," in my life.
I've been at Jamba and not said, "Ooh, juice."
[continued laughing]
[Arsenio chuckles]
He scared the shit out of me.
-[laughter] -[Arsenio giggles]
I went from Arsenio Hall to Rue Hall.
[howling laughter]
I hugged him and peed two more times.
[audience laughs]
I was just in Florida.
They don't want OJ to live in Florida.
He's living in Nevada, but they won't let him come
where he wants to go.
I guess he did a lot of crazy shit.
He had to do crazy shit when he was there 'cause there's cocaine kingpins in Florida
-[laughing] -but they're saying, "But not OJ.
-Fuck that nigga, not OJ." -[audience laughs]
They won't let OJ come down there.
I read stuff I didn't even know about.
I guess when he was there he had a road rage incident,
you know, where OJ was on the freeway and somebody gave him the finger.
And he followed 'em.
Because OJ love a chase.
[audience laughing]
Yeah, that motherfucker, he don't care if he in the front or the back.
He love a freeway chase.
[laughter]
And he followed 'em.
That's the ultimate sign of bad luck.
What's the over-under, that with all the people riding around Florida,
-[audience laughing] -[chuckles]
you can give somebody the finger and when you get to a stop sign,
you look in the rear view mirror
and realize it's OJ fuckin' Simpson behind you?
-[audience laughs] -That's horrible luck.
[continued laughter]
Now OJ is coming towards your car,
putting on a glove and shit.
[roaring laughter]
[Arsenio chuckles]
Motherfucker dropping socks and suddenly your mirror says,
"This nigga's head may be larger than it appears," and shit.
[laughing]
The Juice.
He ain't OJ like he used to be.
It ain't like the commercials in the airport,
that motherfucker's PJ now. He's prune juice.
That motherfucker's knees--
[cackling]
If the light change, he might not get to your fucking car.