How many people here are married?
Round of applause?
(audience applauding)
Wow.
I think that was seriously everyone
in the crowd.
OK, all my single stuff just got
chucked.
Anyway, I am married.
And have you ever had your spouse
give you a suggestion
that you kind of thought
was going to be nice
and then it hurt your feelings
in the end?
Yeah, that happened
before this show.
So my wife said, "you know, when you
"get up there, you should make fun
"of yourself, you know, something
"weird about yourself."
I was like, what do you think
I should talk about then?
What is-- what's weird about me?
Like, what?
She said, "oh, I've got a list
"somewhere.
"I should go--" don't go get the list.
I don't want to know what-- she said,
"well, I don't need
"a list for the main one.
"I would probably just make fun
"of your forehead."
What?
(audience laughing)
What's wrong with my forehead?
She said, "well, it's just real big.
"And with the stage lights,
"it's probably all they're going
"to be thinking about is
"your forehead."
(audience laughing)
So I didn't want to start that way
because if I do,
my whole set, you're just going
to be looking at me, going, you
know, she really has a point.
Would you look at it?
(audience laughing)
It's, like, an inch too high
all the way across.
(audience laughing)
She actually got me so paranoid I
went to see one of these hair
restoration specialist guys.
Don't go do it.
It was terrible.
The whole time I'm there--
he looked at my hairline,
and then the whole time I'm there,
he's just trying to convince me
that with my hairline where it is,
my life isn't worth living.
(audience laughing)
Well, he came out
in a little white lab coat,
and I was excited because I thought,
sweet, this guy's a doctor.
He wasn't a doctor, which is pretty
awkward because I'd taken my pants
off.
(audience laughing)
Yeah.
(audience laughing)
Have you tried to casually put
your pants back on?
(audience laughing)
It's pretty rough.
I wouldn't do it.
Just leave your pants off.
(audience laughing)
I mean, hopefully your pants are
on right now.
But just, if they're off, leave them off.
Little tangent, I'll stop.
Anyway, so he did a little hair
examination.
He's wafting through my hair
with a little magic wand thing.
Then he got done and he said, "yeah,
"well, it's moving north.
"You're losing your hair."
I said, like, no duh.
I said, duh.
I don't know why you're thinking,
did he swear?
No, I said, no duh.
I really did.
And then he could see I was worked
up.
And he said, "look, we can fix it,
"though."
Oh, sweet.
What can we do?
"All right, here's what we're going
"to do.
"We take hair from other parts
"of your body,
"put it on your forehead."
(audience laughing)
Where exactly is this hair going
to come from?
(audience laughing)
There's certain hair that is not
going to look right up here.
You know what I mean?
(audience laughing)
A certain clump of hair right
here is going to be very
off-putting to everyone I come
in contact with.
(audience laughing)
It just doesn't have
the right texture.
You know what I mean?
It's just not going to--
(audience laughing)
I mean, let's be honest.
I could use my wife's hair
straightener, but--
(audience laughing)
I could.
I mean, I didn't.
(audience laughing)
But I could because she wouldn't know.