♪ "I'll be Ready" by Jami Jameson ♪ I'll be ready ♪
♪ (I'll be ready) ♪
♪ Never you fear ♪
♪ (No, don't you fear) ♪
♪ I'll be ready ♪
♪ Forever and always, ♪
♪ I'm always here ♪
♪ ♪
[Names in CAPS are Allison's comical impressions of our favorite Baywatch characters.]
[Allison] The German title for this:
"Die Midlife-crisis"!
could apply to like any episode, just sayin'.
So, remember in season one when Baywatch had a plot about a volleyball match?
Well, this is another one!
Eyebrows wants to be a pro volleyball player,
which is something he's always been interested in.
Kinda like when he was a kickboxer for like two senconds.
He might not be a pro volleyball player,
but the show has cast some real pros in roles this episode including Olympic Medalists ...
... and Tim Hovland—aka The Hov—which feels like some borderline copyright infringement toward The Hoff.
Also appearing as a surfer is apparently famed Chicago talk-show host Kevin Matthews,
whose guest appearance here was, I guess, noteworthy enough to include in his IMDB biography.
"His guest appearance on Bay Watch [sic] in the early 90s is yet another 'dumb moment' of his career."
I like that that implies there were many dumb moments.
Anyway, Baywatch is going back to an old favorite:
The "cool transportation-slash-product placement" plot.
This time it's for SCAT Hovercraft which has a very unfortunate name.
Baywatch is considering purchasing one of these vehicles for rescues,
so to test it out, they've invited the SCAT Hovercraft rep, a former lifeguard,
to show Mitch what SCAT Hovercrafts are all about.
More on this in a bit.
Meanwhile, the show suddenly remembers Garner exists and gives him a story not involving law enforcement?
What show is this?
Supporting cast members only have one defining feature!
ONE!
It's amateur night at this blues club and Garner, going through a midlife crisis,
is going to bless us with this velvety voice.
Thank you, Baywatch!
[MITCH] Mmmm, I don't know Garner. There're a lot of Black people here, doncha think?
[Allison] Luckily, Mitch spots a white lady crying in the audience and woos her with a used hanky.
[MOIST NOISE]
[TRACY] No, thanks.
[MITCH] Ah, keep yer cool Mitch. Keep yer cool. [SQUISH, SQUISH, SQUISH]
[Allison] Mitch is tankin' pretty hard so he hopes Garner's music will put this lady in the mood.
Take it away, Garney-boy!
♪ ♪
♪ Eee—!
♪ ♪
♪ Eeh—!
[MITCH] Booo! You suck!
[GARNER] Oh, come on Mitch!
[Mitch] Well, scratch that one off the list, heh.
[Tracy] That was a cruel thing to say.
[Allison] [Laughs] I like that the show is calling him out on being an asshole now.
♪ "The Lonely Man" by Joe Harnell
[GARNER] When will I be as good as David Hasselhoff or Jeremy Jackson?
Damn my stage fright!
[cj] Nobody's life flow ever gets closed off ...
[Pause]
... unless they stop trying to live their dreams.
[GARNER] Thanks, CJ. You know, I always wanted to play basketball an—
[CJ] Whoa, I didn't ask for your life story, okay?
[Allison] Meanwhile, Mitch is about to meet the SCAT Hovercraft representative and
GASP! — It's a girl!
Also, she's the lady from the blues club who thought he was a dick to Garner.
This is Tracy Dodsworth, who will be Mitch's new long-term love interest.
And by long-term, I mean five episodes.
I think this is who David Hasselhoff is talking about in this baffling quote?
[90s Hasselhoff] Mitch is finally going to get a love interest.
Finally! I know you thought that I did not go out with gerls.
But I actually am going to go out and have a little nooky-nooky on the show.
[Old Hasselhoff] We never had sex on the show!
[Allison] Yes, FINALLY, Mitch will have a love-interest.
After nearly 100 episodes of being a leprous bachelor,
finally the show lets him have that sex Baywatch never featured.
And I'm glad his FIRST EVER! Never-had-one-before! Love Interest is a representative for SCAT Hovercraft.
This brazen lie is a bunch of scat if you want my opinion.
Almost as bold is him claiming him and Garner are best friends.
[Mitch] So you see, Garner and I, we're like best friends.
[MITCH] We take showers in Speedos together! We're inseparable!
There's no way this hovercraft is going to be able to beat Mitch in his WAVERUNNER™! After all:
[Mitch] It's not a fair test, Captain. I know these waters. I know the waves, I know the currents.
[Allison] Yeah, he knows the Always Completely The Same waves and currents of Baywatch Ocean ...
... which will totally give him the advantage!
More like HoverCRAP!
To prove Mitch is really a nice guy though, he places this wager:
Whoever wins the test rescue cooks the other one dinner!
You know when food is at stake he really means it.
[Tracy] I don't eat red meat.
[MITCH] Haha, neither do I!
[Allison] This race is on!
[Drowning victim] Hey!
[SMACK] [MITCH] Get on loser, I gotta win!
But alas, the SCAT Hovercraft just barely wins out.
Impossible! How could this happen to WAVERUNNER™?!
[MITCH] My dick is thissss big!
♪ "Careless Whisper" by George Michael
♪ ♪
[cj] Now Mitch is very sensitive about his cooking so you have to compliment him or he'll be depressed all night.
[Allison] When people ask for examples of empowered female characters ...
... I point them to this scene in Baywatch of CJ and Tracy doing Skinemax shadow theater while discussing how best to please mitch's bruised ego.
Which was only bruised because he was an asshat about everything.
So Mitch turns an equipment test into a contest,
loses, and then gets the girl he was an asshole to into his home so he can have a candlelit dinner with her.
Seems like he's gotten a taste of humble pie.
Tracy has repeatedly stated she's not interested in starting a relationship,
a boundary Mitch is determined to cross at every opportunity because deep down all any woman wants is a piece of Mitch Von Malibu.
Don't worry, Mitch assures her. He just wants to be friendly coworkers.
[MITCH] Hey, let me just grind right up on you. That's professional, right?
Meanwhile: Volleyball.
[Volleyball Bro] D'ohh!
If you ever had a burning desire to see pro volleyball players try to act in an extended scene all to themselves,
this is the episode to watch!
[The Hov] What's the deal, Kurt? You're gonna keep playing with him even though I'm ready?
[SLADE] I could give them some acting tips?
[Allison] The Hov plays Tim Sinclair, who has been out of the volleyball circuit due to a knee injury.
His partner, Kurt, replaced him with asshole Alex
and he won't play with him again unless he can prove he's better.
Now he needs someone to team up with to take them on.
But first he asks Eyebrows out on a date.
[Eyebrows] You checked me out? Why?
[The Hov] I need a partner.
[Eyebrows] In the tournament?
[The Hov] Not exactly.
♪ "Close to you" by The Carpenters ♪ Why do birds suddenly appear ♪
♪ Every time you are near? ♪
[Allison] The Hov challenges Kurt and Alex to a match. If they win, Kurt has gotta take him back.
So wait. If his team is better, he wants to partner up with the guy who lost?
Why not just stay with your better team?
[EYEBROWS] My only chance of fulfilling my volleyball dream is to lose, hon hon hon!
I am a silver medal!
[The How] Hey Broyles. [Alex] Yeah?
[The Hov] Haha, good reflexes.
♪ "The Ultimate Battle" by John Williams
[Allison] Even though Eyebrows was totally the best choice, The Hov still decides to train him.
I think we need some cool training music.
♪ "The Fox" by Ylvis ♪ What does the fox say? ♪
♪ Ding ding ding da ding da ding da ding ♪
Halfway through the episode, they decide CJ is getting a subplot.
In protest of some offshore oil drilling, she asks eyebrows to wear this anti-drilling tank top.
[EYEBROWS] Ugh, you are so embarrassing CJ.
I'm going to cheat on you with an oil driller.
[CJ] Now that I'm born into the world, nothing can get me down.
[Allison] Meanwhile, Garner's still depressed over his blues club disaster.
He tells Mitch about his woes and Mitch offers these words of comfort:
[Mitch] Everybody goes through that at some point in their life, including me.
[Garner] Huh, including you?
[Mitch] Yeah!
[Garner] When? Ha! You're not only living your dream, you're living every man's dream.
[Allison] EVERY man's dream! You heard it here folks.
Also, for once, Mitch isn't over-inflating his ego into godlike status.
You could rename Baywatch into Mitch's ongoing midlife crisis and it wouldn't be wrong.
At first, Mitch's admittance might not seem in character until you realize:
A) He's totally kicking Garner's ass at chess while he does it
and B) he's made who's got the sadder midlife-crisis into a contest.
[Mitch] Yours is about a career; mine's about relationships.
[Garner] Shoot, mine's about that too.
[Mitch] Yah, well, I wanted one so badly I almost married my ex-wife.
[MITCH] CHECKMATE!
[Mitch] Checkmate.
[Allison] D:<
Now that the focus is firmly on him, Mitch tells garner that
SURPRISE!
He could see himself spending the rest of his life with Tracy.
Like a clockwork.
[GARNER] Damn Mitch, you got some problems.
[MITCH] What's not to love? She's got blonde hair, rides a SCAT Hovercraft, and tells me consistently that she detests me.
She's perfect!
[Allison] In a gut-wrenching twist of heartbreak, Tracy is on her way out of town.
Oh, not because she's sticking to her guns and moving on with her life.
But because Mitch was so damn good in their competition
there wasn't sufficient reason to spend money on the SCAT Hovercraft and keep her around.
That's right even when he loses he's still the best.
[MITCH] No! Why must my talent be such a curse?
[Allsion] But hey, Eyebrows has got problems too.
[Eyebrows] How do I stand a chance of winning wearing this?
[Allison] Sorry did I say he has problems?
I meant no, he doesn't. Ever.
♪ never knock me down ♪
[KURT] Wait, is that a no drilling shirt? I'm so distracted, I lost!
Damn you environmental message clothing! Damn you to hell!
[The Hov] Woohoo! I get to drop you like a sack of bricks.
[Allison] What's going on with those oil drillers anyway?
♪ [Ominous music] [Muffled sounds of panic]
[Allison] Okay, that had nothing to do with them being oil drillers
and everything to do with terrible safety precautions.
Aw, you don't want any blood in the water when mitch is around. He's got a taste for it.
Look at this, he's trying to cook him!
[Mitch] You're gonna make it.
[Allison] Ooooh, get it?
[TRACY] Impalement craft, away!
[MITCH] I just want you to know just because you came here doesn't mean this wasn't my safe.
[Allison] Now that someone's life has been saved, Tracy's gonna stick around.
[Tracy] ... act in a Broadway show, meet Bob Dylan, and all sorts of things.
[Mitch] Marriage? Kids?
[Allison] Fuck! Off!
Also, whaAAAat is that sweater vest Mitch?
[MITCH] I'm so charming! [KKRSKARF]
[Allison] Eyebrows is also here wearing his Accountant Chic.
But that's not the important thing.
The important thing is we're going to finally hear Garner sing!
I don't have any jokes, just enjoy it.
♪ I almost drowned in my own tears ♪
♪ Aaaaah ♪
Next time on Baywatch:
It's Christmas at Baywatch!
Prepare to have your heart warmed and your disbelief suspended.
Merry Christmas in summer!
♪ [Garner singing] ♪ It brings the tears ♪
♪ into my eyes ♪
♪ when I begin ♪
♪ to realize ♪
♪ I cried so much ♪
♪ since you been gone ♪
♪ I almost drowned in ... ♪