Now I got to go back-- I got to go to scary movies.
Okay? I got to stop this.
I remember this,
And I told myself, "Erik, stop acting like a bitch."
And I'm gonna do it right.
I'm gonna watch
So I know what the hell is going on.
I watched
(bleep) that.
You want to talk about a movie that has you tripping, okay?
I was so mad at the lead actor in this movie.
Okay, it's about a couple that lives in a house.
Demonic stuff is happening.
They put up video cameras, they have 20 hours of footage.
I would have had about two or three minutes of footage.
How much footage do you need
to know it's time to move the (bleep) out of a place?
Their-their door opened in the middle of the night.
The bedroom door. (imitates door creaking)
He don't leave the house.
Somebody's banging on their bedroom door. (growling)
He don't leave the house.
Somebody-- he put powder in front of the door.
There's demon footprints in the morning.
He don't leave the house.
There's a picture on the wall, got a scratch just on his face.
He don't leave the house.
The Ouija board blew up and left him a note.
He don't leave the house.
The ghost hunter walked in and went,
"I got to get the hell out of this place."
He don't leave the house.
The girlfriend in front of the bed for three hours.
(droning)
He don't leave the house.
She got pulled down the hall like this. (screams)
He don't leave the house.
When she got possessed, threw him across the room,
and ate him, I was like,
"You deserve to die, mother(bleep)."
This demon...
This demon was very specific.
Get the (bleep) out.
Very nice demon, too, very polite.
He just opened the bedroom door.
"You know what, let me just let them know I'm here.
"You know, let me just knock on the door, let them know,
"hey, it's time to get out of here right now.
"You know what, let me walk in this powder right here
"so they know that there's somebody here.
Let me leave him a note on the Ouija board so he..."
This demon had to go psycho!
But I'm gonna tell you why it was the girl's fault.
'Cause early on in the movie,
she turns to her girlfriend while she's looking at the tape.
She says, "Well, what was I supposed to do,
"tell him that I was possessed by a demon
since I was eight years old?"
Yes, bitch.
Vital information before we get into a mortgage together.
So my message is, ladies,
reveal some stuff about yourself, okay?
Do you got a food allergy?
Are you allergic to peanuts, shellfish?
What kind of restaurant can I take you to?
Are you religious, Baptist, Pentecostal?
Are we not gonna have Christmas 'cause you Jehovah Witness?
Do you got kids?
Am I gonna be hitting it and a four-year-old's gonna be like,
"Get off my mommy!"
And most importantly,
"I've been possessed by a demon since I was eight years old."
This is vital informa...
That-That's a special kind of STD right there, boy.
Sexually-transmitted demon?
You go, you going to pee, like, "Oh, she gave me demon dick."
(imitates eerie music)
(laughs)
You take that phone call.
"Do I got to go to a clinic?"
"Mm...
You should probably go to Saint Catherine's."
You know, you're just sitting at home like,
"Man, I should've wore a condom. (grunts)
"'Cause you know what?
(demonic voice): I am not feeling myself right now."
Thank you very much, everybody.
You guys have been awesome.
(crowd cheering)