- Instagram will allow breast cleavage,
but won't allow a (beep) print?
Like VPL?
What is the difference?
- Well, you can actually post every inch of the ass-
- You can literally- - Besides the (beep) lips
and the anal ring. - Yes. (laughs) Yes.
- Just a teeny little dental- - Your Instagram can be you
in dental floss, selling like this,
and they don't care. - Spreading wide open
your cheeks, so that the sides of your anus are visible.
Just not the actual anus.
(bright electronic music)
- (gasps) Hi, I'm Trixie Mattel.
- And I'm Katya.
- And we are two Queens who like to watch.
- We do, and today we're watching
"The Woman in the House"...
- "Across the Street"...
- "From the Girl"...
- "In the Window."
- Wow! (laughs)
- And spoilers ahead!
- There's lots of windows in houses.
- Yeah, and we're gonna talk
about what happens in this series.
- Yeah. Hot sex.
- Yeah.
- And drinking wine, oh!
So if you like Kristen Bell, you came to the right place.
(upbeat dance music)
- We watched "The Woman in the Window" on this network,
so you should actually watch that first,
because it will inform the high-concept parody
we're about to embark on.
- [Katya] Yes.
- Netflix making fun of its own programming?
- Legendary.
- Yeah. - Hello.
Mama, we've been doing that for about three years.
- So let's see what the tea is.
(bright, chirpy music)
All right, so we meet Anna, played by Kristen Bell,
and there's something a little different about Anna.
(suspenseful music)
(Anna screams) (casserole dish shatters)
(Anna gasps)
- That's the only way I can cum.
(Trixie laughs)
- [Anna] My husband used to tell me
that I have an overactive imagination.
- Vanessa Hudgens narrating.
(Trixie laughs)
- [Anna] That I can't let go of the past.
- "Or an accent."
(Katya laughs) - Make plans and cancel them.
- Is that Vanessa Hudgens?
- I think that's her.
- I know, but it sounds like Vanessa.
"The Chick on the Sofa by the Window
from Across the Street."
- "The Cis Woman on the Ottoman Near the Window
Inside the House Down the Street from the School
Where the Girl Works at the Factory in a Window."
(Katya laughs)
Which is a great drag name.
(Katya chuckles)
Woman in the Window's a great drag name.
- Yeah, Miss Continental Breakfast.
- "Give it up for, ladies, put your lighters up for..."
- [Both] "The Woman in the Window."
(Katya laughs)
- Isn't she married to Dax Shepard?
- She surely is.
- I would put Dax Shepard in my mouth,
and when I pull him out, it'd look
like a little dried-up 7-Eleven chicken bone.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Okay. - Yes! Yes!
- Hi, Carol.
- How are you?
(Trixie laughs) - Good!
- Yeah?
- Is she in a robe? Oh, work.
- Mark said you never called him back to confirm.
(Katya laughs)
- For the date tonight?
- Gorgeous. She is so beautiful.
- She's lovely. - I don't know
if tonight is gonna work.
- (chuckles) Oh, Anna! You're too cute to be sad forever!
(bright electronic music)
- Have you ever been set up on a date by a friend?
- No friend has ever, or will ever dare.
- You wanna know why?
'Cause nobody who gets to know you
is gonna subject their other friends to you.
- Thank you!
- Me, they can't wait to set me up.
They're like, "I have this friend,
he's really rich, really beautiful, bald."
- He's probably not good enough for you.
- Yeah.
(bright, chirpy music)
- So Anna likes to (imitates gulping),
a little bit of a wino.
(wine cork pops, clinks)
(Katya claps) Work, work, work!
Love the energy, love the vibe.
- She's gonna have to return those corks
to the convenience store.
- Do you know what people do on the internet?
I see it on Etsy.
- What?
Log cabins? - They save corks
and they make crafts with the corks.
- Oh, 'cause if you use your alcoholism for a craft,
it's fine. - Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay.
- "Well, I have to do another two bottles tonight.
I need to finish my art project!"
I love opening a bottle of wine,
being like, "I'll just have a splash,"
knowing goddamn well, do you know how many times
a bottle of wine has lasted-
- Do you drink right out of the bottle?
- No, but to the brim, honey?
That's gross. I've never even done that.
By the way, I hate wine. - I wouldn't even
do that with grape soda.
- Her ex-husband has 30 followers? Get over it.
Jesus! - And a slice
of pizza for a friend?
Come on! - I know dead people
with more followers than that.
And if you don't have followers, you don't (beep) matter.
(Katya laughs)
- [Neil] That box is for Emma.
- You shouldn't be looking in neighbors' homes.
- No? - There's nothing
for you to see in there!
- [Katya] Ah, I don't know.
- I would love for him to open that box
and another kid gets out. (Katya laughs)
- His wife.
- Pumped.
- Oh, really?
- Pumped, honey!
Ah, kids and teddy bears. Who (beep) cares?
Did you have a teddy bear?
- No, I had a blanket that I drooled on,
and we'd have to replace the patches,
'cause the drool had an acidic quality
and burned through the fabric.
- I made my own teddy bear when I was a kid.
I look back and find that very sad.
- Did you (beep) that (beep)?
- I didn't, no.
- I (beep) a pillow all the time.
- We don't have to say everything at work.
(bright electronic music)
Your twenties is all about going out to get drinks.
- Uh-huh? - Your thirties
is all about having them at home.
Be your own bar!
- You know what the forties is?
It's a tube.
(Trixie and Katya laugh)
- A feeding tube? - From the box, from the box,
enema up my ass. - Enema!
I had a friend who did a tampon soaked in Skyy vodka,
and he got a chemical burn.
- Yes, that's not the one.
We don't do that.
(bright, chirpy music)
- [Trixie] All right, so she's making a lovely casserole
to bring across the street, but when she steps outside,
it's raining, and she has a fear of rain.
- He's just stealing her mail. She's fine with it.
What was that?
- Looking at the-
- Looking at the door of the mailbox.
Oh, no.
(Katya gasps) Oh, no!
That's some sudden rain!
(Anna hyperventilates) (Katya gasps)
"I can't go in the mailbox!"
(Katya laughs)
I hate getting wet.
In, like, clothes. (Katya laughs)
(rain pours) - Hey, hey, you okay?
- [Katya] (gasps) "Let's get you out of these wet clothes."
- I would do that, but it would be
an obvious tight white T-shirt,
with no bra on. (Katya laughs)
Passed out, just
wet (beep). - A long, white T-shirt
with no panties or bra on.
- Or bra on.
(Katya laughs) Completely.
But not even a convincing pass-out.
I'd be like...
- And you'd go...
(Katya snores) - with Xs over my eyes.
- Ombrophobia.
- "I'm afraid of lumber."
(Trixie laughs)
- Fear of the rain.
- I mean, "Rain on Me."
When she hears it at the club?
Tears. - Lights out.
- "It's Raining Men"?
Nightmare. (Katya laughs)
- "I Can't Stand the Rain"?
- [Katya] She relates.
(Trixie and Katya laugh)
- My daughter died.
(thunder rumbles)
- "She tie-dyes, actually." (Katya laughs)
(Trixie laughs)
- (laughing) "Dyed my sweater pink."
- "She dyed my sweater. She put it in with a red shirt."
- Do you want a cup of coffee?
- Yeah, no, I should probably get back to Emma.
- Right.
- My digestive system is too sensitive.
If someone's like, "You want a cup of coffee?"
I'd be like, "Does that mean I can (beep) here
in about five minutes?" (Katya laughs)
- "Yeah, as long as you don't mind me
blowing up all your bathrooms."
- "Next time you collapse in the street, let me know."
- Yeah. - Get this woman a Life Alert.
- Yeah. (bright, chirpy music)
Okay, so he eventually invites her over for dinner,
and we'll see if this is a real or not-real situation.
- Are single dads hot?
- No. Or not, yes.
He definitely is. - More than non-dads?
- Neither. They're equal or greater.
- I know a lot of gay guys who are turned on by dads,
like when they see a guy with a child.
- So cliche.
- Yeah, I'm not turned on by (beep) blocks.
- Now, I think it is somebody's bedtime.
- No!
- He's like, "It's mine.
Have a good night, ladies." - (laughing) Yeah!
- [Trixie] I would (beep) him.
- Yeah, me too.
I guess they have to have sex now.
- "Elliott." (Katya groans in mock ecstasy)
- Good thing he's holding that casserole dish
in front of his huge boner from that
electric moment. - I know.
Imagine if he dropped it, and the boner broke right in half.
(casserole dish shatters) - Oh my God.
- "Oh, no, no, no, you get it."
What are they, cutting?
This is out of control!
They're gonna start "Lady and the Tramp"-ing
the pieces next.
- They start chewing
on the glass. - (laughs) Yes!
- I mean, that's...
- That's funny. (bright, chirpy music)
- Okay, so Anna's going to drop something off,
and she runs into Neil's girlfriend, Lisa.
Oh, she's a flight attendant.
You can't compete with flight attendants.
They're hot (beep).
- Oh my God. Oh, you must be Anna!
(Katya gasps)
Oh, are those for Emma?
Oh my God, aren't you the sweetest.
- Love it. - I can give
them to her for you.
- I'm sorry, who are you?
- "I'm sorry. I'm Kylie Minogue."
- (laughs) "This is my new mixtape."
- It's a little presumptuous to bring over a casserole
and be like, "That's my man, (beep)."
- Yeah.
- Oh, here you go.
- [Trixie] She needs to step in.
- Those are actually from me.
- That's a double-cross.
That (beep), her plane's going down.
- Yep.
- I would choke this (beep) out.
I would (beep) her up.
- I would- - I would (beep) her up.
- Like a fistfight,
right? - No, like I would
"Hostel" her.
(Katya laughs)
Is this gonna be a show about her killing?
- I hope so! (bright, chirpy music)
Mama, we're back to basics.
We're guzzling wine. We're looking out that (beep) window.
- Yeah, I'm ready for Julianne Moore to walk in right now.
Do you think Amy Adams watches this
and will think it's funny?
- I don't know. - Or will she be like,
(Katya laughs) "Well, hmm."
- "Looks like there's another 'Woman in the Window.'"
(Trixie and Katya laugh)
(gasps) Yes!
- Self-asphyxiation! I told you.
(Katya laughs) Don't waste it!
- She's gonna burn the whole place down.
- (gasps) Remember this happened to Julianne Moore?
- Oh, it's raining! She can't get-
(Trixie gasps)
Remember Julianne Moore
screaming, "Help me"? - I sure do!
- (gasps) She's doing a cyst video.
- [Operator] 9-1-1, what's your emergency?
- There's a murder! A woman has been murdered.
406 Canterbury Hill.
Hurry!
- [Trixie] Slurred.
- You do need to call 9-1-1 and get the information out.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. You gotta let 'em know what's going on.
But see, this is not different
than what Amy Adams was doing.
- It's not different
than Amy Adams! - It's not! It's not!
- It's not!
- I'm Detective Lane. This is Officer Walters.
♪ You don't have to let police in your house ♪
- You sure don't.
- What exactly did you see?
- Then again, she feels like she has
nothing to hide, so whatever.
- She had been stabbed. She was right there.
- Where?
- In the window.
(Trixie and Katya laugh)
- And you say it looked to you like someone slit her throat?
Your neighbor was very confused when we showed up
to his door telling him there had been a report
of a murder in his home.
- Okay, what are you saying?
- Gaslighting.
- Gaslighting. (bright, chirpy music)
- [Trixie] All right, so the little girl
across the street came to drop something off.
- Have you ever seen this man?
- Nuh-uh.
- Is she just having the child rate guys on Instagram?
- Yeah. - Yep.
- "Do you think he wants me?" - "He's hot?"
- Did you hear anything?
- Like what?
- Like- - "Like your mom
get murdered?"
- "Did you hear the Macarena?"
- Well, I didn't hear too much,
because my dad told me to go to my room and watch TV.
- Very suspicious! - Mm-hm.
- [Emma] My dad gets mad a lot.
- Parents only tell their kids to go to their room
when there's murder afoot.
- Mm-hm.
- He used to get mad at my mom, too.
- [Katya] "Until he killed her."
(bright, chirpy music)
- All right, so Anna gets a call back
from the FBI directory, and they have some info.
I wonder if it's this easy to get
FBI-level information on people.
- Yeah.
- [FBI Caller] We have the results
of the background check she requested.
- Meanwhile, I'm still waiting
for my blood work from three months ago.
Oh!
- That was hot.
- Yeah, it was hot, yeah.
"I'll talk if you don't gag me.
You better put something in my mouth!"
And then I start puking.
- What do you got going on with her, huh?
(Trixie and Katya laugh)
- Lisa? - Yeah.
Are you working together?
Are you two trying to cut me out?
- Cut you out?
- You know- - Another glass of wine. Yeah.
- I would steal their houses.
"The Woman in the Window Who Got Strangled by the Drag Queen
from the TV Because She Wanted Her House."
- (laughs) Yeah.
- Chastity! - Who is Chastity?
- Chastity? - Chastity?
- Lisa is Chastity!
- Oh, they were trying to rip him off.
- Oh, she's a scammer.
- We should scam people!
- Mama, I've been scamming them my whole life.
- Hi.
Hi, I'm so sorry, my-
- "Oh, my car!"
- "Oh, my damned carburetor's all twisted up!"
- I would go harder than her, though.
I'd be, like, in a bustier-
- Underboob.
Underboob. - Yeah.
- Like a crop top underboob. - Jugs out.
- Normally I would call my husband
for something like this, but...
- [Katya] Work, diva.
- He died.
- Oh!
- Oh, work.
- I lost my wife, Presley.
- "At the mall."
(Katya laughs)
"I found her, of course."
(bright, chirpy music)
We finally got some hot, sexy action here with Anna and Rex.
He's gorge. I mean-
- Yeah, he's sexy as hell.
- Wait!
(Trixie and Katya laugh)
Final, oh, door open!
(Katya slaps leg) (Trixie laughs)
Finally! - That was good.
(Trixie and Katya laugh and clap)
That (beep) needs to get laid, too, though, like-
- I know. - Oh!
- Ooh, steamy shower scenes.
(Katya laughs)
- I thought that was curlers.
I literally thought that was,
oh! (Katya claps)
She's being gutted!
- It's just... (laughs)
- He broke into your house an hour ago.
- Yeah. - He's sleeping over?
- You can get to know person a lot in a half an hour.
(bright, chirpy music)
Well, the lady in the window got some (beep) in the bed.
Oh, I would like to do him,
have sex with him. - Would you do him?
- Yes, I would very much like to do that.
- Tell him! He probably watches.
Tell him! Tell him!
- I would love to have sex with you.
- Come on out!
Yeah, that guy's a murderer.
(Trixie gasps)
- Oh, no!
The (beep) of death.
- What's going on?
- "Shut up, drunkie." - "Stay out of this, alkie."
- (laughs) Yeah.
- Someone get her a shot!
- (laughing and clapping) Yeah!
In a window!
(Trixie and Katya laugh)
- [Rex] Anna, Anna! I didn't do it!
- You know what her dream anniversary would be?
She comes home, there's rose petals that lead to the window.
(Katya laughs)
- You're lucky he didn't do it to you, too.
(bright electronic music)
- Okay, here's the thing.
You get to have sex with him, but he does kill you after.
- Fine. Just don't draw it out.
- Yeah, nobody that hot is ever gonna (beep) me,
and I'm not interesting enough to kill.
(Katya laughs) So this is never
gonna happen to me.
(bright, chirpy music)
All right, so Anna's at home painting,
and it turns out Rex's alibi checks out.
Not only was Rex probably not the killer,
but the weapon is actually a painting knife.
- We released Rex Bakke.
- "He was hot." (Katya laughs)
- "We all (beep) him."
- CCTV shows him at Wild Bill's the night of the murder.
The only thing he slayed was his dance routine.
(Katya mock retches) (Trixie laughs)
- I'm gonna need a cyanide pill after that one.
- [Walters] Detective Lane?
You're gonna wanna see this.
- What you got?
- [Katya] "Bad art."
- Looks exactly the same.
- Is every painter on earth implicated?
"You're the only painter alive."
(Katya laughs)
- [Lane] We found the murder weapon, Anna.
- [Walters] Detective Lane?
(Trixie guffaws)
(Katya thumps sofa)
- Work!
- (coughs) Now, that's good art.
- Are you familiar with how this works?
- I love him.
- Yeah, he's so funny.
He's in "Best in Show." - He's so funny
in "A Mighty Wind," yes, "Best in Show," "Mighty Wind."
- On this 10-print card.
(Katya laughs)
I'm gonna have you give me your right hand.
Now, we're not gonna be pushing your print straight down.
We're gonna be rolling it.
'Cause if we pushed it, it would just smush it.
So we're gonna roll it there. (Trixie laughs)
- This is great.
- Have you been fingerprinted?
- No.
- Whenever I get arrested, they always want
a stool sample. (Katya laughs)
- They always get my hands to go right up my ass.
- Yeah.
They always put my big jugs in a Xerox,
and they just do that.
- How's your day going?
(Trixie and Katya laugh)
- This is great. - All right.
That's all I need!
(Trixie guffaws)
(bright, chirpy music)
- [Trixie] So she's still on the phone with her ex-husband,
and he tells her a story about the handyman,
and she's like, "Maybe he's a suspect."
- Is there anything about Buell that you didn't tell me
(Katya laughs)
back when you hired him to fix our mailbox?
- Well, the name is Buell.
- Yeah.
- He was my patient.
- [Trixie] Work!
- From where? - Work!
- The state hospital. (Katya laughs)
He had been found criminally insane.
- Work! - What did he do?
- Work!
- He killed his entire family.
- Work! (Katya laughs)
- Why did you not tell me about this before?
- Well, I didn't think you would want him to work for us.
(Katya laughs) - I wouldn't have!
- But we needed someone to fix the mailbox.
(Trixie and Katya laugh)
- It's still not fixed!
- What?
- Buell did it.
He killed her.
- Mary, he's gotta be up there with you.
- Oh, God.
(thunder rumbles) (Trixie gasps)
- [Douglas on Phone] Anna, get the hell out of there!
(rain spatters on window)
- Oh, no! - Oh, Buell!
- "The Handyman in the Attic"-
- Shh! - "In the House of the Woman
in the Window." - "The Woman in the Window
Is Screaming for the People Across the Street
to See That She's Right About the..." (chuckles)
(rain pours) - Come on, Anna!
It's just fucking rain!
(Anna grunts)
- The moisture. - If she's afraid of the rain,
why can she shower?
- Talk to the woman in the street. (laughs)
- It's more likely you'll die in the bath drunk on red wine.
- (laughing) No (beep)! From alcohol poisoning.
It's so stupid! - The desperation.
Oh my God!
He got killed!
- Anna, I was just trying to... (gasps)
- [Katya] Buell.
- [Trixie] Buell!
- But if you're not the killer, then-
- It's the little girl!
It's the little girl.
(dramatic music) Yep!
- [Anna] Huh?
(Katya laughs and claps)
- People always underestimate children,
underestimate what they're capable of.
- [Katya] Bam.
- How could you do something like that?
- I didn't do it! You did!
- Oh, right. - Don't the police
have a palette knife with your fingerprints on it?
(Anna gasps)
- [Katya] Gag.
- This is why children are horrible.
- (laughs) I know!
- However, this is the most exciting thing
I've seen a child do.
- [Katya] Yeah.
- [Emma] Check upstairs.
- Damn. - Which gave me
the perfect opportunity-
- [Katya] "I would've got away with it if it weren't
for this darned thing." - Steal your palette knife,
and frame you for murder.
- Nice!
- I don't understand.
Your dad was here when you killed Lisa.
How did he not
hear anything? - She did have
that giant wig on. - How did he not know?
- He was upstairs in the bathroom with the water running.
He didn't want anyone to hear him practice
his ventriloquist act. (Katya guffaws)
His act sucks, by the way, (Katya chuckles)
which is why I killed him.
(Katya laughs) - Love it.
- You're a monster!
- No, she's actually a critic.
- This is crazy!
- Yeah, this is good.
(glass shatters) (Anna screams)
- Awesome!
- A fight with a child!
- Yes.
- Work!
Now, this is where she and I are different.
I would throw that (beep) through a window.
- Exactly!
- Work, (beep)! - Oh! (claps)
- Those are baby teeth, you stupid asshole.
(Katya laughs)
Looking for this?
(Trixie gasps)
(gun fires) (Anna screams)
- Oh, work, (beep).
(Anna groans)
That evil little (beep)!
This is really "The Girl in the Window."
(Trixie gasps)
- Casserole to the head! (casserole dish shatters)
(Katya laughs and claps)
- By the way, (Anna groans)
your casserole tastes like shit!
(Anna grunts forcefully) (piece of dish breaks)
- Oh!
(Anna grunts)
A child stabbing?
- With crockery.
- This is why you don't have kids,
you know? - (laughs) Yeah!
(bright electronic music)
This show has got it all!
- Women. - Children.
- Windows. - Crockery.
- Murder. - People.
- Stabbing. - Stuff.
- And Kristen Bell, which, she really is the moment.
- Absolutely, she is!
So please check out "The Woman in the House
Across the Street from the Girl in the Window" on Netflix.
We'll be seeing you!
From our house!
(Trixie guffaws)
(bright, percussive electronic music)