*Music* ♫
Wow, Ethan! Great Moves! Keep it up! Proud of you!
[Keyboard sounds]
Well, it's not a watch.
One. It's a device on your wrist called the Pulse.
You might be wondering why I'm dressed up like a trendy asshole.
Well, the answer is pretty simple, I'm doing a video about will.i.am.
This guy is going on the news to sell his stupid fucking smartwatch, and he's dressed like a fucking clown from outer space.
Like a little black leprechaun.
I just goofed ya! I just goofed ya hard, buddy!
What's up guys, it's Brian Tong here with CNET, and I am here with will.i.am to showcase off his Pulse.
You don't call a smartwatch a what, connected device- what do you like to call it?
Well, it's not a watch. One.
It may have all of the same features, the same model, the same design philosophy, same function, the same aesthetic look as a smartwatch,
But it's a Pulse, OK? And don't fucking call it a watch in front of will.i.am!
It's not a watch, because watches don't have SIM cards.
This is a PULSE! This is not a watch! It has a SIM card, you fool!
One. That's one, OK?
So, and it's not a smartwatch. >> It's a whole new thing. >> It's a new paradigm.
It's a new paradigm, woo, holy shit, that sounds big. It's a paradigm. WOOOOW!
If it's a new paradigm, well then how do you explain this pussy magnet from over a year ago?
[Man] Wanna see something cool? [Woman] Uh, yeah, sure.
[Man] Here, give me your number.
[Woman] Hello. >> [Man] Hey, pretty lady.
[Woman] [LAUGHS] Hey.
Hey, pretty lady.
Man, that guy is such a pimp, dude, with his smartwatch. Holy shit, show me your dick, dude, hurry, I want to suck it right now before we get off this ski-lift.
Vibe is an app that's baked into the OS.
It's baked in there, huh?
Guys, you're getting the best flavor out of your vibes. We're baking in apps!
It hears kind of the tone and analyses your voice, >> Yeah. >> Your mood, kind of can help you connect with that.
Yeah. Yeah, Yeah. Yeah, Yeah.
And then my mom could follow my Vibe, and check up on me like 'Are you stressed? What's wrong?'
You mom can follow your moods and call you at any time? Boy, that sounds like a great idea!
I want my mom calling me up at any time saying 'Hey Ethan, you're on a red Vibe, are you OK?
Woah dude, that sounds great, I think anybody can relate to that! What is he marketing it to, mothers?
Come on. You have a feather in your hat. Fuck off, dude!
Ugh!
More importantly, say for example you're working, and someone calls you with a bad Vibe. Why do you want to answer a bad Vibe call?
I like how he assumes that this app, Vibe, is speaking with complete command over your mood.
'Mom, I could see your Vibe is, uh, it's reporting you're in a great mood! How are you doing?'
'Your father just had a stroke. I'm so sorry, Vibe has made this so awkward. I thought you were green Vibing, but you're actually red Vibing. Sorry mom.'
'Alright, well hit me back. I'm having a really stressful day so keep an eye on my Vibe.'
'Make sure I don't go red Vibing, if I do, call me right away. OK mom?'
So, you're just gonna, like, deny it right away? Is that what you would do? You don't like bad vibes?
I mean not if I'm in a good vibe and I'm working, trying to focus, and somebody is calling me on a red alert, naw I don't wanna red, Jim.
Sean, come on dude, answer the phone, I need you right now dude, I need you more than ever.
Sean, come on dude, my car is not starting. I fucking need you to come get me dude!
Uh-oh. Ethan's red Jimming. I don't need any of that.
I need you to pick up! I need you to pick up! I need you to pick up, Sean, Sean!
You're gonna fuck up my Vibe.
Dude, you suck. Dude, if I was red Vibing, I'd be pissed if you didn't answer my call, dog. That means I need your help.
I wanna be in a green Vibe right now, and your video is solely red Vibing me, dog.
We gotta show you guys this, the backpack that you're rocking. I mean this is gnarly, there's speakers pumped in there.
Now, this guy is trying to sell FUCKING BACKPACKS WITH GIANT SPEAKERS ON IT!
So these fucking imbeciles can blast their stupid fucking music in public places, and subject people to listen to this stupid fucking music all the time, dude!
That's a great product, I can't wait to, I really hope that catches on, dude! ECH!
Have you ever had a dream that
The government's great, but it's slow.
You could do, you wi-
Billions of dollars gets cleared and we sit in airplanes and stuff real fast.
You do, you do, you-
Apple has more money than the American government has liquid!
You do so, you, you-
And you telling me that kids ain't learning iOS in freaking third period? That don't make any sense!
-Much, you could anything!
[SICK BEATS]
An unoriginal *trumpet* hee-hee productions!