Over the last 10 years, rotational dating theory or circular dating has become the stock
standard advice given to women dating men.
It goes a little like this….“Date more men!”
“Build your man funnel!” “get more men in your rotation!” they say.
(Just between you and I, doesn’t the term “man funnel” sound completely dehumanising?)
Just to be clear: I’m not here to tell you what to do.
It’s your life and you’re free to make your own choices.
So if you feel like rotational dating is what you need in your life right now, go for it.
I trust you to find your own way.
However, I want you to know that in my view, rotational dating is a low value strategy.
There’s nothing wrong with dating more than one person at once, because sometimes that
just happens in a person’s life.
However, consciously rotational dating is something else altogether.
There are some serious problems with this approach to dating.
8 specific problems in fact.
By the way, the full blog post is on my website.
I'll make sure to have a link in the description.
This video is just a short summary of that blog post.
Ok.
Let’s get into the 8 reasons why rotational dating is low value:
Reason number 1) It throws away your natural power as a woman in favour of distraction.
Your real power as a woman is attaching deeper, and thereby magnifying your emotions so that
you can actually genuinely calibrate yourself to a man.
Rotational dating attempts to reduce that level of attachment by nothing other than
distractions; it is a distraction from what is real and raw.
It throws away your intense emotion that you experience when you start to care for a man
in favour of a manufactured, fake detachment that rotational dating promises to give you.
You might feel less intensely and detach more from any one man - but it comes at a huge
price - you won’t have the intense emotion, depth and attachment that is actually necessary
for men to fall in love with you.
You see, as a woman, it’s in your natural bias to emotionally attach deeply, and often
before a man does.
As a man, it’s his natural bias to spend less energy focused on committing to you,
at least initially.
And these two opposing interests are supposed to be there.
If they weren’t, you’d be more like a man and he’d be more like a woman.
And if the biases were not there, then a man would never fall in love, because your intense
vulnerability wouldn’t exist.
And the more men you spread your resources through and rotate through, the less intense
your emotion will be to the right man, which means the less vulnerable you will be, causing
them to hang around in your life but never fall in love with you.
You see, your feminine body and responses are there for a reason.
That’s why we as women are naturally so much more emotionally sensitive than men.
It’s not a mistake, it is this way for a good reason.
(It’s not a bug, it’s a feature!)
Your REAL power as a woman is your ability to connect with a man and to inspire emotions
in his masculine world.
To do that you need to be vulnerable and attuned, and to be attuned, you can’t rotational
date because it takes that power away from you.
When you’re not in touch, when you’re unable to trust yourself to feel, then it’s
easy to become distracted by “junk food” like circular or rotational dating.
It’s easy to get distracted by multiple average men giving you attention.
As a result, you lose depth, emotion, vulnerability, heart and authenticity.
It’s like choosing to have multiple meals of junk food instead of looking for a hearty
and nutritious meal that your body actually craves.
Reason number 2) It’s an over-compensation of a woman’s need to attach early.
Women attach early.
It’s normal and biologically necessary for us.
It’s in our interests, because we are the ones who have to bear, breastfeed and raise
babies.
There’s nothing wrong with attaching early.
It’s our birthright, and we better feel uncertain, sad, and even hurt when a man we
love isn’t reciprocating our level of care and attachment in the relationship.
Rotational dating to avoid feeling and weathering the uncertainty of a man’s level of investment
in you, just makes us less calibrated and more distracted as women.
I can’t stress enough, you have every reason, every right as a woman to attach early, and
it’s in your own biological interests to do so.
On that note, I will be releasing a new guide titled soon, designed to help you understand
your feminine bias of attaching early and how to use that bias to be high value.
Back to the topic.
So, of course we MAY risk getting attached to the first man we have an emotional connection
with!
That’s not the problem.
That is in fact the purpose of having an emotional connection - attachment!
The problem isn’t early attachment, it’s a lack of attunement!
So, is rotational dating the happy middle ground solution to the issue of a woman attaching
early?
No it isn’t.
Attunement is.
Attunement leads to you having the ability to calibrate, take it slow and be honest about
how you feel and how this man makes you feel.
That is the happy middle ground.
I mean attunement to yourself and to your own feelings in relation to a man, as well
as to where he is at.
The more detached and emotionally removed you are - the less close anyone will feel
to you, let alone a man!
I don’t care how buddhist, evolved and wonderful you think it is to be emotionally removed
or detached - nobody will be loyal to you if there’s a sense of superficiality and
detachment permeating through your interactions with men.
It’s much like friendships.
The more popular someone is, the more friends or acquaintances they will have, but the less
close any of those people will be with them.
Early attachment to a man is not the problem.
It is secretly feeling unworthy of love inside yourself that is the problem.
That’s the real issue.
But attaching earlier than a man does is perfectly normal and it leads the relationship into
a realm of deeper connectedness, because the woman is forced to feel and be vulnerable.
So, knowing this innate vulnerability in women, would you think the best solution would be
to go towards the opposite extreme and over-compensate for a very natural part of being a woman?
The reason I ask is this: to shun a woman’s pattern of early attachment in favour of rotational
dating causes you to run the risk of detaching yourself TOO MUCH.
You will lose the feminine essence that permeates through your soul as a woman.
It is only the one and only type of woman that will inspire deep and lasting emotional
commitment from men.
And that leads me to reason number 3...
Reason number 3) Rotational dating ensures that you will show up as the ‘one of many’
type of woman.
Rotational dating ensures that you will spread your eggs over many baskets and therefore
be more superficial and detached from ANY particular man.
Here’s the thing: when you show up in the dating world as the kind of woman who intentionally
creates a pool or “funnel” of many men, then YOU are actively making every MAN you
meet and date a “one of many”.
Most men will sense this.
And that same energy will come back to you.
So this means that the men you date, no matter how high value they are, will be more inclined
to unconsciously make YOU a one of many woman in their life.
Because that’s how you’re showing up.
It’s reciprocal!
Remember, relationship is the domain of the feminine.
We actually subconsciously and consciously lead a man further into emotional commitment
with us through our authentic vulnerabilities!
You don’t want to be the one of many if you can help it.
You want to be the one and only.
This is why I made my program and dvd “Becoming his One & Only”.
If you want to learn more about the 5 secrets to have any man fall in love with you and
BEG you to be his one and only woman, just go to www.bhoodvd.com and you never know,
you might find that you can get your hands on “becoming his one and only” for free!
Reason number 4) Rotational dating doesn’t guarantee a mindset of abundance.
A woman once said to me: “Renée, I started a rotation of men because I wanted to feel
more abundant.
I didn’t want to feel more and more desperate, feeling like there’s no good men out there
for me.”
My response was - is a 5 out of 10 quality of connection with 5 men who are about a 6
or 7 in quality still abundance?
Or is it just more of a distraction?
What about having abundance through the depth of investment and connection?
Isn’t depth of connection and depth of investment with one good man worth so much more, and
wouldn’t it give you so much more meaning in your life than connecting with several
5s or 7s?
What about the depth of connection you miss out on with one person when you choose to
have a rotation?
Would having mediocre attention from 10 men who are merely “interested” in you matter
more than having devotion from one man who is in love with you?
Using rotational dating as a way to not act from scarcity doesn’t guarantee that you
will feel abundant!
Here’s an analogy.
It's like playing a game or sport with the mindset of trying not to lose rather than
trying to win.
There is a big difference.
And as any athlete would tell you, that mindset is the kiss of death to their career.
Reason 5) If you have low relationship value, having a rotation won’t change that, it
will only make it worse.
From the perspective of the high value and commitment-oriented men out there, a woman
of low value to men will only look worse when she tries to raise her value by dating lots
of men.
Let me explain.
If you only have 2 out of 10 overall value, and you focus on building a rotation, here’s
what will happen.
When you try to rotational date, you are only going to attract 1s, 2s, or at best 3s and
4s to date you and be in your rotation.
This will only magnify your low value to other high quality men.
However, if you are a 2 or 3 out of 10 as a woman, but you focus on cultivating actual
relationship value for high value men - your relationship value will increase by a lot.
If instead of focusing on high numbers of men in your rotation, you focused on having
the skills to build connection and attraction, and if you focused on cultivating loyalty,
maternal instinct, and compassion within yourself, you will raise your value in a way you never
knew possible.
You could go from a 3 to a 7 and even to a 10 easily in the eyes of the right man.
So, this is to say that your value and rotational dating have no relation to each other.
If you are a 2 out of 10, you’re not going to get 8s or 10s falling in love with you
or tolerating your rotation, because they value themselves more than that.
Reason 6) Men asking you for exclusivity or marriage is not the ultimate goal
Women, especially women in their 30s and beyond, often feel like they risk a lot by dating
one man.
They feel like they don’t want to get attached to one man, only to have him leave her high
and dry one day.
So rotational dating until one man so called “steps up” and asks for exclusivity is
a nice kind of safety net, right?
Well, no.
And here’s why.
It’s because exclusivity and engagement doesn’t always mean what you think it does
in a man’s mind.
Just because in the feminine mindset, exclusivity or some kind of official relationship equals
value, doesn’t mean it’s actually a good thing.
On the surface, a man asking for exclusivity seems to mean more security and more resources
for a woman.
But he could be asking for exclusivity for himself.
Rotational dating as a strategy is effectively just trying to short-cut the process of falling
in love.
And it cannot be short-cut.
It’s women trying to secure resources and some kind of security blanket in case they
get burned by a man.
But this strategy of rotational dating or quantum dating doesn’t achieve long term
security for a woman, because the only true long term security is if a man is in love
with the woman, because if he’s in love and she is too, then you create an actual
pair-bond.
That pair bond is more valuable than a relationship born out of labels, convenience or just the
man and woman trying to hoard someone’s resources because they feel desperate.
If you have any understanding of men at all, you may have figured out that men can ask
for exclusivity for many reasons!
They sometimes also marry women for many different reasons!
Some of those are very bad reasons.
Men could ask for exclusivity because they want to stop you from taking your resources
elsewhere, and not because they are in love with you!
The only thing that has real value is the pair bond and the emotional connection and
emotional attraction.
So even if you end up falling into a so called relationship through circular dating or rotational
dating, the quality of the relationship may be much lower than if you CHOSE to value connection
and attraction.
Reason 7) If you’re not feeling confident, rotational dating is not even a solution.
If your real issue is that you don’t truly love yourself or feel confident inside, and
need men’s attention on you to “keep your vibe high”, then go and actually work on
that deep feeling of unworthiness, rather than distracting yourself with rotational
dating!
Rotational dating can’t fix the internal problem of unworthiness.
Let me ask you this: a lot of women treat rotational dating as a way to keep their vibe
high and to ensure that they feel good about themselves and so that there’s always a
man pursuing them.
Well, what happens when you ARE finally exclusive with a man, and you have this habit of feeling
low vibe, unnattractive and unconfident?
Are you suddenly going to just start feeling bad about yourself because you can’t go
and date all these other men?
When you’re exclusive, you can no longer multi date, so if you didn’t fix that underlying
problem of low confidence or being triggered easily to feel unworthy, you’ll still have
the problem within you when you’re exclusive.
Reason 8) Smart men will see through the rotational dating strategy.
Smart men will intuitively look for attunement.
Which means they will look for a woman who is sensitive, nurturing and therefore capable
of being ‘at one’ with him and available for deeply bonding to HIM.
If he senses any threat to his long term ability to trust you, or any deliberate attempt to
manipulate the situation and to create distance, he may leave.
Men who are smart, who operate from secure attachment and who are secure within their
own masculinity wouldn’t bother with a woman who chooses to rotational date in order to
‘weed out low investment men’ and try to make herself more scarce.
Smart men just know intuitively to place value on a woman’s ability and desire to remain
LOYAL.
I’ve heard women in our facebook group say “date more men.
The more the better.”
Well, there’s a huge price to pay for doing stuff like this!
We’ve already established that for men, loyalty in a woman matters greatly for whether
he sees her as his one and only woman, worthy of committing to.
If you show up with dating multiple men as your priority from the start, there’s no
way a quality man can see you as loyal.
With this multi-dating strategy, there is simply zero care for being loyal.
Essentially, in order to protect yourself from low value men by rotational dating, you
also unintentionally write off the smart men and the truly high value men.
So I wanted to leave you with one final question.
Rotational dating might (on the surface) serve your sense of certainty and selfishness.
However, do you think that quantum dating, multi-dating, whatever you call it, makes
you a woman of value TO MEN?
Really have a think about it.
Consider what costs you might incur to your future dating life if you choose this option.
Best of luck out there in this modern dating world!
Also, I’d love to hear from you.
What are your views on this topic?
How do you feel and what are your experiences with circular dating or rotational dating?