>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY, WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST-- COME ON IN.
THIS IS MY WIFE.
THIS IS MY WIFE, EVIE.
>> HELLO.
>> Stephen: IS THAT FOR ME?
>> NO, THAT'S WATER.
>> Stephen: I DON'T WANT WATER.
EW!
COMFY?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: EXCELLENT.
ANYWHERE, WHERE WAS I?
WE HAVE BEEN OUT OF THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER FOR HOW LONG?
SIX WEEKS.
I MISS IT.
BEING AT HOME WITH THE FAMILY IS NICE.
THE COMMUTE IS INCREDIBLE.
BUT MY MAILBOX DOESN'T HAVE MY NAME ON IT IN LIGHTS 10 FEET
TALL.
AS FRUSTRATING AS QUARANTINE IS, POLLS SHOW THAT 71% PERCENT OF
AMERICANS, AND 56% OF REPUBLICANS, SAY THEY ARE MORE
CONCERNED ABOUT LIFTING THE CORONAVIRUS RESTRICTIONS TOO
QUICKLY THAN LIFTING THEM TOO SLOWLY.
SO, WE KNOW IT'S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
WE JUST WANT TO KNOW HOW LONG WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO DO IT.
WELL, BRACE YOURSELF, BECAUSE IN GERMANY, "MUNICH'S
OKTOBERFEST BEER FAIR HAS BEEN CANCELED OVER CORONAVIRUS
FEARS."
YOU HEARD RIGHT: IT'S APRIL, AND THEY'RE CANCELING OKTOBERFEST.
I'LL GIVE YOU ONE GUESS WHAT MONTH OKTOBERFEST STARTS.
IT'S "SEPTEMBER."
WHOEVER NAMED THAT BEER FESTIVAL WAS CLEARLY DRUNK.
PETER, YOU'VE BEEN TO OKTOBERFEST, RIGHT?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: IS IT FUN?
>> YEAH.
>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU DO?
>> DRINK BEER.
>> Stephen: ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S STRAIGHT FROM THE HORSE'S MOUTH RIGHT THERE.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME OKTOBERFEST HAS BEEN CANCELLED
SINCE WORLD WAR II.
WOW, SOMETHING BAD MUST HAVE HAPPENED IN GERMANY DURING WORLD
WAR II.
KEEP IN MIND, GERMANY'S ONE OF THE COUNTRIES THAT MANAGED TO
KEEP THE PANDEMIC UNDER CONTROL, AND THEY'RE CANCELING EVENTS IN
THE FALL.
I'M GUESSING THIS HALLOWEEN, THE HOTTEST COSTUME WILL BE SEXY
RESPONSIBLE PERSON WHO STAYED INDOORS.
SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT WE'RE HOPING WILL END SOON.
PRESIDENT TRUMP.
LAST NIGHT, HE TWEETED THIS BOMBSHELL AT 10:00 P.M.: "IN
LIGHT OF THE ATTACK FROM THE INVISIBLE ENEMY, AS WELL AS THE
NEED TO PROTECT THE JOBS OF OUR GREAT AMERICAN CITIZENS, I WILL
BE SIGNING AN EXECUTIVE ORDER TO TEMPORARILY SUSPEND IMMIGRATION
INTO THE UNITED STATES!" WELL, I DON'T NECESSARILY AGREE
WITH IT, BUT IT IS PROBABLY THE SAFEST THING.
FOR THE IMMIGRANTS.
BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, AMERICA IS BASICALLY A PETRI DISH ON THE
FLOOR OF A BUS STATION MEN'S ROOM.
BUT THIS BAN IS NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING TO STOP THE SPREAD OF
THE VIRUS OR PUT AMERICANS BACK TO WORK.
IT'S JUST TRUMP USING THE VIRUS AS AN EXCUSE TO DO WHAT HE'S
ALWAYS WANTED TO DO ANYWAY.
IT'S LIKE IF YOUR HOUSE CATCHES FIRE AND YOU SAY, "HONEY, IT'S
NOT SAFE IN HERE.
I'M GOING TO GO BUY A SET OF GOLF CLUBS!"
EXACTLY HOW XENOPHOBIC IS HE BEING HERE?
WELL, EVEN DURING THE HEIGHT OF THE 1918 FLU PANDEMIC, THE
UNITED STATES ALLOWED MORE THAN 110,000 IMMIGRANTS TO ENTER THE
COUNTRY.
SO, DONALD TRUMP IS MORE XENOPHOBIC THAN WOODROW WILSON.
AND WILSON'S CAMPAIGN SLOGAN WAS "LET'S PUNCH AN ITALIAN."
I KNOW WE'VE GOTTEN USED TO IT, THIS SHOULDN'T SHOCK ME.
BUT THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES JUST ORDERED A SWEEPING
CHANGE IN OUR IMMIGRATION POLICY VIA TWEET.
THAT WOULD BE LIKE OBAMA ANNOUNCING THE DEATH OF
BIN LADEN ON TIKTOK VIDEO: >> TONIGHT I CAN REPORT THE
UNITED STATES HAS CONDUCTED AN OPERATION.
( SONG "BYE BYE BYE" )
>> Stephen: ALSO, THE TWEET HAD ABSOLUTELY NO DETAIL ON HOW THIS
IMMIGRATION BAN WOULD WORK, WHICH CAUGHT SOME SENIOR
DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY OFFICIALS OFF GUARD.
WELL, THAT'S REALLY NOT COMFORTING.
YOU DON'T EVER WANT HOMELAND SECURITY TO SAY, "WE WERE CAUGHT
OFF GUARD."
THAT'S LIKE YOUR DOCTOR HOLDING UP YOUR CHEST X-RAY AND GOING,
"OOO, I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING.
TWO LUNGS."
CLEARLY, TRUMP'S TWEET IS LESS ABOUT INFORMATION AND MORE ABOUT
PROMOTING TODAY'S PRESS BRIEFING REALITY-SHOW STYLE.
( AS TRUMP )
EXECUTIVE ORDER.
AM I REALLY GOING TO BAN ALL IMMIGRANTS?
WILL I THROW WINE IN STEVE MNUCHIN'S FACE AND CALL HIM A
BITCH?
GOTTA TUNE IN TO FIND OUT."
AND TO BACK IT UP, TODAY, TRUMP TWEETED, "I'VE HAD GREAT
'RATINGS' MY WHOLE LIFE.
THERE'S NOTHING UNUSUAL ABOUT THAT FOR ME.
THE WHITE HOUSE NEWS CONFERENCE RATINGS ARE 'THROUGH THE
ROOF'--MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL, WHAT KIND OF BRAGGING IS THAT?
EVERYONE'S RATINGS ARE BETTER THAN "MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL"
RIGHT NOW.
♪ ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL ♪
>> Stephen: NO.
NO ONE IS READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL.
LAST NIGHT, TRUMP HELD HIS DAILY "SCREAM AT THE PRESS"
CONFERENCE, AND HE STARTED OFF WITH AN OBVIOUS LIE.
>> I CANNOT TELL A LIE.
>> Stephen: OKAY.
NOW THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN ALL OVER THE MAP ON HOW SERIOUSLY TO
TAKE THE VIRUS, WHICH HAS LED TO SOME SEVERE HEALTH CONSEQUENCES
FOR HIS SUPPORTERS.
>> I INTERVIEWED SOMEONE WHO SAID THAT HIS FAMILY GOT SICK,
THEY SAID MAINLY BECAUSE THE PRESIDENT WASN'T TAKING IT
SERIOUSLY.
HE SAID, "IF THE PRESIDENT HAD A MASK ON, IF HE WAS SAYING WE
SHOULD STAY HOME, THEN I WOULD HAVE STAYED HOME."
DO YOU FEEL, OR ARE YOU CONCERNED THAT DOWNPLAYING THE
VIRUS MAYBE GOT SOME PEOPLE SICK?
>> AND A LOT OF PEOPLE LOVE TRUMP, RIGHT?
A LOT OF PEOPLE LOVE ME.
YOU SEE THEM ALL THE TIME, RIGHT?
I GUESS I AM HERE FOR A REASON, YOU KNOW?
TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE, I WON, AND I THINK WE ARE GOING TO
WIN AGAIN.
>> Stephen: (AS TRUMP) "A LOT OF PEOPLE LOVE ME.
AND SOMETIMES I GIVE THEM BAD ADVICE, BUT THAT'S WHY THEY
LOVE ME.
I'M A BAD BOY, THE KIND YOU DON'T BRING HOME TO YOUR MOM,
BECAUSE I WILL DEFINITELY GIVE YOUR MOM CORONAVIRUS."
THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN CRITICIZED FOR TWIDDLING HIS
THUMBS DURING THE EARLY STAGES OF THE PANDEMIC.
BUT HE DOESN'T REMEMBER IT THAT WAY.
>> PEOPLE SHOULD SAY I ACTED VERY EARLY.
I DID TAKE IT VERY SERIOUSLY.
>> YOU HELD RALLIES IN FEBRUARY AND IN MARCH.
AND THERE ARE SOME-- >> I DON'T KNOW ABOUT RALLIES.
I REALLY DON'T KNOW ABOUT RALLIES.
>> YOU HELD A RALLY IN MARCH.
IN NEW YORK. >> I DON'T KNOW.
DID I HOLD A RALLY? >> Stephen: WHAT?
HE DOESN'T REMEMBER HIS RALLIES?
CAN HE TEACH ME HOW?
THEN, TRUMP TRIED TO GIVE A SHOUT-OUT TO FEMA AND THE WORK
THEY'VE DONE TO FIGHT CORONAVIRUS, BUT HIS BRAIN DONE
GOT IN THE WAY.
>> ADMIRAL POLOWCZYK AND HIS TEAM AT FIFA ARE REALLY, WHAT A
JOB THEY'VE DONE.
>> Stephen: YES, FIFA, THE INTERNATIONAL SOCCER FEDERATION,
HAS DONE A GREAT JOB AGAINST THE CORONAVIRUS.
IMAGINE WHAT THEY COULD ACCOMPLISH IF THEY WERE ALLOWED
TO USE THEIR HANDS.
SOME PEOPLE SAY WE NEED TO FLATTEN THE CURVE.
I SAY WE NEED TO BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM.
ONE REPORTER ASKED TRUMP ABOUT LARGE CORPORATIONS CASHING IN ON
FEDERAL GRANTS PROMISED TO SMALL BUSINESS.
>> Reporter: DO YOU THINK IT'S RIGHT THAT MAJOR COPORATIONS,
MAJOR INSTITUTIONS LIKE THE RUTH'S CHRIS RESTAURANT CHAIN,
LIKE HARVARD UNIVERSITY, APPARENTLY GOT A LOT OF MONEY
UNDER THE CARES ACT, MONEY THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE EARMARKED FOR
SMALL-BUSINESS OWNERS.
DO YOU THINK THAT'S FAIR?
>> WELL, I KNOW ONE THING.
I DIDN'T GET ANY.
THAT'S FOR SURE.
I DIDN'T GET ANY.
>> Stephen: OKAY, THAT REALLY SOUNDS LIKE HE GOT SOME.
HE'S LIKE A WITNESS TALKING TO A DETECTIVE: "WHAT DID I SEE THE
NIGHT OF THE MURDER?
WELL, I KNOW ONE THING: I NEVER SAW ME MURDERING ANYBODY.
NOPE, DEFINITELY NOT 23 PEOPLE BETWEEN NOW AND 1987.
LET'S JUST SAY, DIGGING UP MY BACKYARD WOULD BE A COMPLETE
WASTE OF YOUR TIME."
THANK YOU, OFFICER."
NOW, THERE'S STILL A NATIONWIDE CORONAVIRUS TEST KIT SHORTAGE,
BUT TRUMP DOESN'T REALLY SEE IT THAT WAY.
>> NOT EVERYBODY AGREES THAT WE HAVE TO DO THAT MUCH TESTING.
WE'RE GOING MAXIMUM.
YOU UNDERSTAND THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE THAT DON'T WANT TO DO
THAT MUCH TESTING.
BUT WE'RE GOING MAXIMUM.
WE'RE GOING TO THE OUTER LIMITS.
>> Stephen: OKAY, SOUNDS KIND OF VAGUE, BUT THOSE ARE ACTUALLY
TECHNICAL TERMS.
AS YOU CAN SEE IN THE C.D.C.'S CHART, IT GOES MINIMUM, MAXIMUM,
OUTER LIMITS, BIG GULP, AND BUTT LOAD.
NOW, WHILE TRUMP IS CLOSING THE COUNTRY'S BORDERS, THE GOVERNORS
OF GEORGIA, TENNESSEE, AND SOUTH CAROLINA SAY THAT BUSINESSES CAN
REOPEN SOON.
FOR COMMENT, WE GO NOW TO THE SCIENTISTS WHO TOLD THEM THAT
WAS A GOOD IDEA.
THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN.
STARTING ON MONDAY, IN MY HOME STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA-- HI,
GUYS-- THEY'RE OPENING DEPARTMENT STORES, SPORTING
GOODS STORES AND FLEA MARKETS.
FLEA MARKETS!
BECAUSE THERE'S NO MORE COMFORTING PLACE TO SHOP DURING
A PANDEMIC THAN A PLACE NAMED FOR THE INSECT THAT CARRIED THE
BLACK PLAGUE.
THAT'S WHY THEY'RE ALSO OPENING UP ALL LOCATIONS OF BED, BATH,
& LEPROSY.
IT REALLY FEELS LIKE OFFICIALS AREN'T TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY
ENOUGH.
IT EXPLAINS WHY SOUTH CAROLINA HAS CHANGED THEIR MOTTO FROM
"WHILE I BREATHE, I HOPE" TO "WELL, I HOPE I'M BREATHING."
BUT THE MOST SWEEPING REOPENINGS WILL GO INTO EFFECT IN GEORGIA,
COURTESY OF GEORGIA GOVERNOR AND MAN WATCHING HIS WIFE GO THROUGH
HIS GOOGLE SEARCH HISTORY, BRIAN KEMP.
GOVERNOR KEMP ANNOUNCED THAT, AFTER JUST THREE WEEKS OF SAFETY
MEASURES, CERTAIN BUSINESS WILL BE ALLOWED TO RE-OPEN STARTING
FRIDAY, FRIDAY, INCLUDING FITNESS
CENTERS, HAIR SALONS, AND BOWLING ALLEYS.
REALLY?
BOWLING ALLEYS.
I'M GONNA GO OUT ON A LIMB HERE AND SAY NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR
A SPORT WHERE STRANGERS STICKS THEIR FINGERS INSIDE THE SAME
THREE HOLES.
AND WE KNOW THE OUTSIDE OF THE BALLS AREN'T SANITARY, EITHER.
ONE BOWLING EXPERT WAS PARTICULARLY SKEPTICAL OF
GOVERNORS DEFYING THE C.D.C.
GUIDELINES: >> HAS THE WHOLE WORLD GONE
CRAZY!?
AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO GIVES A
>> Stephen: GOVERNOR KEMP ALSO ANNOUNCED THE REOPENING OF THE
VERY ESSENTIAL BUSINESS OF TATTOO PARLORS, WHICH IS GREAT
NEWS FOR ANYONE IN GEORGIA WHO HASN'T FINISHED THEIR TRAMP
STAMP.
WE'VE GOT 'A' SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
I'LL BE TALKING TO MR. MICHAEL MOORE.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, "MEANWHILE!"
WON'T YOU JOIN US?
♪ ♪ ♪