- We all want to know how to love ourselves,
we all want to discover the steps to practicing self-love.
Do you believe that you lack self-love?
Maybe you struggle to find love,
maybe you think that other people don't see your value,
maybe you don't see your value.
A lack of self-love could be affecting
many, many aspects of your life.
I know it affected many aspects of mine until I fixed it.
So please keep watching
as I teach you very simple strategies
to absolutely love yourself so that others can love you
and be loved by you.
So what is self-love?
Well, it's an unshakable, unwavering belief
in your worthiness; it's not arrogance,
it is not showing off. It's a quiet sense of, "I'm worth it,
"I'm lovable," that radiates out from you,
and other people pick it up.
And if you believe it, but you have to really believe it,
not fake it, if you believe you are lovable,
other people pick that up,
and as you elevate your sense of self-worth and self-love,
they do the same.
You see, without self-love,
you may always have these feelings
that you are not good enough, you're not worthy enough,
no matter how much you accomplish or how others value you.
If you don't value yourself, then nothing matters.
Nothing matters
if you don't have healthy levels of self-love.
So why is it that some of us don't give ourselves self-love?
Well, a lot of us don't even know what that means.
"What is self-love?
"Is that buying myself candy, putting nice lotion on me,
"buying myself stuff?
"Is self-love shopping?"
No, no, it's not shopping.
Self-love, and the lack of it,
often comes back to past experiences.
Often, we feel guilty for mistakes we've made in the past.
Sometimes we have anxiety about other people's opinions.
We're always thinking, "Was I okay?
"Did I do okay? Do you like me?"
You know, I work a lot with people who can't lose weight.
I always say, "If you're losing weight for someone else
"because you feel judged or you want to impress them,
"it won't work."
Vegans don't go, "I'm going to be a vegan
"because I want to lose weight for someone else."
They become a vegan because it matters to them.
So you have to stop worrying so much
about other people's opinions.
Comparing yourself to others is a huge thing
that will affect self-love.
Maybe you haven't found the love and support you need,
and because you haven't got it,
you think, "Maybe I'm not worth it."
You see, I want to tell you what self-love looks like.
And it's very, very simple.
The first way you know if you have self-love is,
how do you talk to you?
Do you look in the mirror and go,
"Ugh, look at me, I look terrible"?
You see, someone with self-love wouldn't go,
"I'm a mess, I'm a hot mess, I'm a train wreck.
"Look at the state of me," or, "Ugh, I get everything wrong.
"Everything I touch falls apart.
"I knew I'd mess that up."
If you are down on yourself, critical on yourself,
if you use harsh, hurtful, critical words to describe you,
you are not practicing self-love.
So you know if you have self-love,
mainly by the way you talk to yourself.
Do you look in the mirror and go,
"Hey, you're a great person.
"You're kind, you're interesting, you're funny.
"You're nice, you're a good friend"?
Or do you go, "Oh, I look terrible.
"I messed everything up today, it was a disaster.
"I stank up the place"?
That's not self-love.
Stop criticizing yourself.
Do you know the number one cause of depression?
Harsh, hurtful, critical words that you use
about yourself on a daily basis.
Stop it, stop it.
The second way you'll know if you practice self-love is,
how do you treat yourself?
Do you drink enough water?
Do you eat good food?
Do you get enough sleep?
Or do you lie on the sofa
eating tubs of Pringles, watching Netflix,
staying up all night?
Because that isn't self-love;
self-love is respecting yourself,
"You know, I need to drink better water,
"I need to eat better food."
Someone said to me, "I never buy salad, it's expensive.
"But a burger and fries are cheap."
That's not self-love, that's self-abuse.
So how do you hydrate yourself?
How do you eat? How do you sleep?
These things are very, very important.
Do you take time to meditate?
Do you say to people, "Hey, thanks for asking me out.
"But this weekend, I just need to chill to take some time,
"to a recharge like a battery, so no"?
Do you turn down things or do you do everything for people?
"I'll babysit your kids, I'll lend you my car.
"I'll lend you money I don't have."
That's not self-love, it's self-abuse.
And thirdly, how do you allow people to talk to you?
Are they mean? Are they unkind?
Are they critical? Do you take it?
Because you have to say, "You know what?
"I'm really sorry but I don't allow people
"to speak to me like that."
You need to learn some simple words,
"That doesn't feel comfortable to me,"
"That doesn't work for me," "That doesn't suit me,"
"I have a different need to that."
And finally, how often do you apologize?
Do you say things like, "Oh, I'm so sorry I'm late.
"I'm so sorry I'm difficult.
"I'm so sorry that I'm such a pain.
"I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry, sorry"?
Because self-love means you switch that to,
"Thank you so much for waiting for me."
"Thank you so much for helping me with that task,
"I couldn't quite understand how that worked, thank you."
"Thanks for understanding
"I'm having a bit of a time, and thanks for supporting me."
So people who have self-love
say, "Thank you," more than, "Sorry, sorry, sorry."
They never go, "Oh, what have I done wrong?"
They go, "Oh, you seem unhappy.
"Can I help you out here?
"Is there something going on?"
They don't go, "What have I done?
"Why are you upset? What have I done now?"
They say, "You seem out of sorts.
"Do you want to talk about it
"or shall I just give you some time to yourself?"
So, stop trying to make other people love you.
Fall in love with yourself, it's a life-long romance.
It never ends. No waxing is required,
nothing has to be snipped off or injected in.
Don't try to make people love you.
You love you.
When you fall in love with yourself,
it's never disappointing.
When you can love yourself,
it's easy for other people to love you.
You know, confidence is sexy,
high self-esteem is compelling.
It's like that song "Miss Independence,
"that's why I love her."
People find confidence, independence,
"I've got my own life and it's great,
"and I'd love to share it with you,"
that's more attractive than, "Can you love me?
"Can you come into my life?
"Can you fill up a gap?
"Can you meet my unmet needs?"
Do not let other people control your love for yourself.
Don't let them tell you you're arrogant
when you put yourself first.
And here's another one.
Imagine how someone who loves you sees you.
How do your children see you?
How do your grandparents see you?
If you were looking at you through their eyes,
what would you see?
And someone who loves you, what would they say about you?
If your kids say, "My mom is so kind.
"My mom always makes me yummy food.
"My mom is always on time to get me."
If someone said, "My granddaughter," or, "My kid,"
"They're so kind, they're so sweet.
"They're so patient, they go out of their way to help out."
Think about what other people would say about you,
in fact, make a list out of every compliment you've ever had
and use that to raise your sense of self-worth.
You can powerfully raise your sense of self-worth
by seeing yourself through different eyes
and using all the praise you've ever had.
And please, please, please don't try to be perfect.
There's no such thing.
Trying to be perfect is entering a race
that has no finishing line ever, ever, ever.
As you enter that race, it moves and it moves and it moves.
And I can tell you, without skipping a beat,
in all my years of being a therapist,
my clients who are the unhappiest
and the loneliest are the ones who try to be perfect.
It doesn't exist. I'm flawed, you're flawed,
the best we can ever be is flawed people
having a beautiful, flawed relationship together.
People who try to be perfect are usually alone.
You've probably heard this expression,
"Hurt people hurt people."
But damaged people have the power to damage people.
Damaged people don't often care. They've suffered,
and sometimes, not always,
they kind of want you to suffer with them.
So if someone is really, really damaged, don't think,
"Oh, I'm going to turn up and fix you.
"I'm going to make you better."
Because when you do that,
they often leave for someone
who doesn't remember them as damaged.
We all have some trauma.
We're all a little bit damaged.
But if someone is really, really damaged,
it's not your job to fix them.
It's not your job to be the savior.
And they have the power to damage you.
And let go of what was said to you in your past.
You know, my new book is called
'Tell Yourself a Better Lie'
because I find that client's greatest pain is
because of the lies they tell themselves.
If your father said, "Oh, I wanted a son,
"you disappointed me,"
if your mother said,
"You know, you were never smart like me,"
if your boss said,
"You're terrible at your job, you are hopeless,"
that hurts a bit,
but you think, "Maybe they're having a bad day,"
but it's the lies you tell yourself.
"I'm not lovable, I'm not worthy, I don't matter.
"Who's going to want me?"
They hurt you more.
So to have self-love, let's just do one thing,
and it's sweet and simple but very powerful.
I want you to think of your need to be loved.
We all need to be loved.
Think about your need to be loved.
You were born as a baby and you expected to be loved,
you expected to be fed and held and looked after.
And you know what? People did that.
Because you were born, you'd cry in the middle of the night
because you believed, "Someone's going to come
"and I'm worthy of someone coming."
But then, what happens is something interesting.
When we're babies, we need to feel safe
and connected and loved and protected.
And as we get older, we have more needs.
"I need to feel that someone's proud of me.
"I need to be celebrated, supported, appreciated."
And when our needs aren't met, we either give them up
or we give them away.
Giving up is, "You know, I've always been let down in love.
"I'm just going to give up, I'm getting cats,
"and I'm just going to stop all that love
"because I just get hurt.
"Every job I've had doesn't work out,
"so I'm going to just have a low job
"and I'm not expecting much,
"I've given up my need for love, success,
"I've given up my need, I'm giving it up."
Or, "I'm giving it away, I'm going to go,
"'Well, someone out there's going to have to do
"'the job of making me feel lovable.
"'I've got to find someone. Who can I find out there to love me?
"'You or you or you, can you turn up and meet the need
"'that I've given you to make me feel loved?'"
And they'll go, "Yeah, I can do that.
"I'll definitely do that."
The problem is if you give someone
your need to feel lovable,
if you give them that job, you're still needy.
Because they can die, they can get sick, stuff happens.
Do not give the need up;
it's never, ever too late to find love.
I got married when I was 50
and I'm blissfully, happily married.
Don't ever give it up and don't give it away.
It's not someone else's job to make you feel lovable
or significant or worthy; it's your job.
So, finally, think of the words you'd like to hear
that would make you feel lovable.
What are the words of self-love?
Here they are.
"I matter, I'm significant, I'm lovable just the way I am.
"I'm worthy, I'm enough,
"I've got something to offer the world."
You can add stuff, "I'm kind, I'm warm,
"I'm funny, I'm compelling," whatever you want.
"I'm beautiful, I'm fascinating."
But start with these, "I matter, I'm significant,
"I'm worthy, I'm enough, I'm lovable just the way I am."
Because that's self-love. Don't give that need up.
Don't give it away. Meet it yourself.
Think of the words you are longing to hear, aching to hear,
and say them, say them to yourself over and over again.
And you'll be begin to grow in self-love, and when you know,
resonate, embody, affirm that you are lovable
just the way you are,
you can even hear Barry White singing it, or Billy Joel,
"I love you just the way you are."
When you do that, your level of self-love is so profound,
it's so embodied that people pick it up
and they want to be around you because you're not arrogant,
you're not big-headed,
but you have a powerful sense of your worth, your value,
and you know you're lovable.
And you don't link that to your weight, your shape,
your size, your number of followers; that's stuff.
It's who you are.
And when it's who you are, it never goes away.
So you don't have to sabotage yourself,
you don't have to struggle to fall in love with yourself.
It's a life-long romance that never disappoints you.
All you need to do is a few mindset shifts
to realize that you are enough.
Please join my '21-Day Meaningful Relationships Challenge'
and learn how to attract and build healthy, fulfilling,
lasting, loving relationships.
The ones you've always wanted.
And don't forget to subscribe to my channel.
Love is available to you, self-love is your birthright.
Subscribe my channel, join my challenge,
and you can keep them forever.