[ Cheers and applause ] -1, 2, 3, 4!
♫♫
-♫ Unh ♫
-So, I did one amazing movie in New Mexico --
Albuquerque, that is --
with T.J. Miller, Adam Pally, and a few other people.
And on this -- on this set, we shot --
It was shot in the middle of the desert.
Every -- Every day -- it was about 130 degrees every day,
hot as hell.
And we shot -- we shot on this amazing set.
We had all these props. We had a donkey.
How many movies do you know that have a real donkey?
Has anybody in this world even seen a real donkey?
This movie -- Like I said, it was hot as balls out there.
Had a donkey out there -- all the things that would make
shooting a movie in Albuquerque feel like Mexico -- right? --
although it´s New Mexico -- it´s not the real Mexico.
It was New Mexico, like a brand-new version of Mexico.
Like, they had Mexico already over the border.
Then they came over -- over to this country.
They made a New Mexico.
They called it "New Mexico." Albuquerque.
So, because the set was so dangerous --
It was so damn hot -- we shot in the middle of the desert.
There were snakes everywhere --
rattlesnakes just every damn where.
So they hired this guy.
His only job was to do --
was to talk around all damn day with a satchel.
You know what a satchel is?
A satchel is a bag, all right?
They call it a satchel.
Some people carry a satchel over their --
over their shoulder sometimes.
Some kids who run away --
In the old days, when you ran away from home,
they´d put a satchel over their shoulder
with all their belongings --
their toothbrush, their hairbrush --
all the brushes -- toilet brush --
all the brushes go in that satchel.
And he walked around with a satchel.
He had a big, great beard.
He looked real tattered.
But his only job was to catch snakes all day.
He was a snake catcher.
I don´t think he was a snake charmer.
A snake charmer´s somebody different.
That´s somebody who can charm a --
charm the skin off of a snake,
make a snake do all kinds of tricks and stuff --
backflips, turn itself into a circle and roll around.
You know, that´s what snakes do --
they´ll turn themselves into a cane,
and you can grab a snake by the head
and walk around with a cane
until he gets tired of that [bleep] and bites your ass.
So, anyway...
This guy -- his only job was to walk around and grab snakes,
throw them in the bag.
This guy was daring.
It was -- It was amazing to see him at work.
He would just walk around.
And you wouldn´t see the snake, but he would.
He would feel the snakes on him.
He was a snake feeler, a snake catcher.
He would just walk around -- "Oh!"
He would just -- He´d go, "Oh!"
He would grab one, and you would hear a [hisses]
and he´d throw it in the bag and close the satchel up,
´cause it had two little strings on it.
He´d pull those strings, and he´d close it up. Mnh!
He did this [bleep] all day, and I mean -- I mean, all day.
He did it all damn day.
They must have had 30, 40 snakes in that bag.
Ohh.
And then, you know, we became friends.
We talked a lot. We´d always laugh.
I´d always go, "Ha ha! My man, the snake catcher! Oh!"
Like, and I would --
I would play around with him with giving reference to
the "Snakes on a Plane" movie with Samuel L. Jackson.
I´d be like, "Oh!
I´m tired of these snakes on this [bleep] plane!"
There wasn´t no plane -- there was just desert.
He never got the joke. He never laughed.
He just stared at me, all stupid, like this.
He never got the goddamn joke,
´cause he´d never been on a plane before.
I think the guy lived in the desert.
So, he had a bag for the snakes. And you could hear the snakes.
One day -- And one day, ´cause we had became friends,
he got comfortable -- a little too [bleep] comfortable for me.
He ran up to me. "Is that my guy J.B. Smoove?"
And he hugged me.
And the bag of snakes was between us.
I didn´t want to be no punk ass,
so I screamed, but I screamed real low.
I said...
[ Soft high-pitched screaming ]
And for the first time since I was in third grade,
I pissed on myself.
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