Welcome to From our family to yours,
where we share relatable stories
and helpful advice from community members like you.
Hi, I'm Kristin from the Understood team.
and this week's story is about avoiding
or refusing to do schoolwork.
It comes from community member, Palesa,
she writes, "I have ADHD and Asperger's"
and I used to avoid doing schoolwork,
but now I understand myself better.
It was because if I do not understand every single step,
I won't feel confident enough to do it.
And I think because I have ADHD,
I need the support to understand what I need to do.
But as a kid, I was unable to articulate that.
I'm in college now, but I didn't feel properly confident
in myself to do my homework until about last year
and I'm almost 27.
It just takes longer."
Palesa, thank you for giving us that information.
It takes a lot of courage to be able
to talk about struggles that you've had with learning
and with self-confidence.
I think it's not uncommon for many kids
who have symptoms of ADHD or who struggle with focusing,
to be able to complete homework or school work
on their own, without assistance.
It's a skill that usually takes a lot of time to build up
and it's not uncommon for people to need
different types of resources or structures
to be able to do so.
Let's see what else she has to say,
"When I was a kid, all that came out was frustration
because I didn't know how to say,
'What I need is you to sit here while I work,
lots of steps in tasks really muddy me up
and I actually need you to help me
think about my thoughts on this work, so to speak.'
Even now, I need extra help sometimes
to organize my thoughts,
but when you can't articulate it,
or you grow up maybe not knowing you have this problem
and thinking you're not good at learning,
it could be like trying to find
a needle in a haystack for a child.
Then what might happen is an adult becomes frustrated
with trying to support the child,
but the child is unable to say what they need,
so a vicious cycle occurs."
Palesa, the frustration that you talk about experiencing
as a child, not being able to articulate
what you needed from your parents
and the frustration that your parents experienced
because they thought you were being oppositional
or just refusing to do work,
is something that many families and many kids experience.
I think one of the things that's important to remember
is that children need help in various ways
and at various levels, based on individual differences.
This can be tough for parents
because if they've had older children
who breeze through work,
they might not have a good understanding
of kids who present with some learning problems
for whom it takes more time.
I think, for parents, it's really important
that you look at your kid's performance
and the amount of time that it takes them
to get through tasks.
And ask questions because they may not have the language
to articulate their needs,
but if you ask questions,
you might have an easier time
getting some of that material from them.
Think Palesa has more for us,
"Also I associated school with feelings of deep shame
and feeling that I wasn't good enough,
so when I was in my safe place at home,
I didn't want to do something that was related to school.
But of course, I don't profess to know all the reasons
kids don't want to do their homework.
It could be anything,
but often, it isn't because kids don't want to learn,
the brain is made to learn.
It may be the homework is just not asked in a way
that learning works for them.
The best way I learn is by listening,
and even as an adult, I find reading extremely difficult,
which is frustrating because I love to learn and read.
So what are the ways a child is being asked
to do the homework and does it work for them?"
Another great point, great points,
that Palesa makes about
people having different strengths and weaknesses
in their learning styles
and being aware of what works best for kids
when they're being asked to do homework,
or school work, or even asked to demonstrate
their understanding of a topic.
One of the things that I recommend,
if you notice that your child
is avoiding or refusing to do work,
is to, again, directly question your child
and say, "What have you noticed works well for you
"when you're learning something new,
"how can I help?"
One of the ways parents can also help
is to try to take that information
from their children and then apply it.
So for a kid who is an auditory learner,
you might need to look for auditory sources of books,
or auditory sources of information
so that they can listen as they learn.
It could be as simple as finding a podcast,
or finding a book that's online,
but presented in an audible format.
For kids who are visual learners,
it may be helpful for them to watch videos about a topic
before engaging in the homework on the same topic.
For kids who are more kinesthetic,
or need to actually manipulate objects
and engage and experiment while they're learning,
you might find different resources for doing so.
So seeking out teacher supply stores
or other stores where they provide kids with
materials that can be manipulated
while learning to do a different task.
Is your child maybe avoiding doing school work
and you don't know why?
Do you have questions for one of our experts at Understood?
Join in the conversation below.
And remember, you're not alone.
Until next time, this has been From our family to yours,
thanks for watching.