REGGIE, REGGIE WATTS IS NOT HERE
TONIGHT. HE'S AWAY.
HE'S HEADING OUT OF TOWN. HEY, THIS IS A GREAT OPPORT
OPPORTUNITY, BAND. YOU KNOW?
MAYBE HE NEVER COMES BACK. FILL THAT SLOT, STEVE.
YOU THINK YOU GOT IN YOU? >> YEAH, MAN.
NO. >> James: YOU WERE SO CLOSE.
YOU WERE SO CLOSE AND YOU REALLY TUNED IN TWO WORDS -- RUINED IT
IN TWO WORDS. HAVE YOU SEEN OR WATCHED THE
TRAILER FOR THE JAMIE LEE CURTIS NEW FILM?
>> SAW IT SAW IT LAST NIGHT, YEAH.
>> James: YOU SAW THE ACTUAL FILM?
>> YES. >> James: IS IT AS GOOD AS I
THINK IT IS? >> YES!
EVERYONE THAT IS TWISTED UP IN THIS SHOW WILL LOVE THIS.
>> James: I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT.
IT INVOLVES THE MULTIVERSE, DOESN'T IT?
>> ABSOLUTELY. >> James: DO YOU THINK THERE'S
OTHER VERSIONS OF YOU OUT THERE? >> NOT ONLY DO I BELIEVE THERE
ARE OTHER VERSIONS OF ME OUT THERE, I BELIEVE ONE OF THEM IS
A GUEST ON THE SHOW TONIGHT AND HIS NAME IS CHRIS PINE.
>> James: RIGHT. >> YEAH.
DIFFICULT FOR YOU WHEN CHRIS >> James: IT'S GOT TO BE IS
ON THE SHOW BECAUSE PEOPLE KNOWNESS AND THEY'RE LIKE, --
KNOW HE'S, AND THEY'RE LIKE, HI, CHRIS AND YOU'RE LIKE, NO.
>> THEY'RE LIKE YOU'RE HERE EARLY.
I'M LIKE, NO, I'M LATE. >> James: I WONDER IF THERE
ARE ANY VERSIONS OF US. ANTS IN AN ANT FARM DON'T KNOW
THEY'RE IN AN ANT FARM. THEY THINK THE ANT FARM IS THE
WORLD. THE CHANCES OF YOU BEING HERE
RIGHT NOW ARE SO SLIM, IT'S ALMOST CERTAIN THAT NONE OF THIS
IS HAPPENING. AND THEN HE WENT, "HAVE A GOOD
SHOW!" HA-HA!
LOOK, WE COULD TALK LIKE THIS ALL NIGHT.
WOULD IT BE FUN? YES.
WOULD THE VIEWERS AT HOME BE ENTERTAINED?
ABSOLUTELY. BUT WE HAVE A SACRED DUTY,
AND THAT DUTY IS TO EDUCATE AND INFORM -- WHICH MEANS, IT'S
THAT TIME. IT'S TIME FOR...
THE NEWS. ♪
TOMORROW, AN F.D.A. ADVISORY COMMITTEE WILL BE MEETING TO
DISCUSS THE TIMING OF FUTURE COVID BOOSTERS.
THERE'S TALK OF MOVING TO AN ANNUAL, SINGLE BOOSTER.
WE KNOW MORE OF THEM ARE COMING, WE JUST DON'T KNOW WHEN WE'LL
BOOSTER SHOTS ARE BASICALLY GET THEM. LIKE
"AVATAR" MOVIES. PFIZER AND MODERNA HAVE BOTH
PUSHED THE COMMITTEE TO APPROVE A FOURTH DOSE.
MEANWHILE, JOHNSON & JOHNSON IS LIKE, "WHATEVER.
I DIDN'T WANT TO BE PART OF YOUR STUPID DISCUSSION, ANYWAY!"
I DO WONDER WHAT THOSE FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION MEETINGS ARE
LIKE. THE AGENDA MUST BE, LIKE,
BOOSTER SHOTS, A NEW KIND OF DORITOS THAT MAKES YOUR TEETH
GLOW IN THE DARK, THEN A LONG CONVERSATION ABOUT ERECTILE
DYSFUNCTION MEDICATION. [LAUGHTER]
IN OTHER COVID HEALTH NEWS, SCIENTISTS NOW SAY A CHEMICAL
COMPOUND FOUND IN BROCCOLI AND OTHER LEAFY GREENS HAS BEEN
SHOWN TO SLOW THE GROWTH OF COVID-19, AS WELL AS COMMON COLD
VIRUSES. I CAN'T WAIT TO TAKE ON THE
WORLD ARMED WITH THIS NEW INFORMATION...
VEGETABLES ARE GOOD FOR YOU! [LAUGHTER]
I READ THIS, I WAS LIKE... NICE TRY.
I'M STILL NOT PAYING $17 FOR A FARMHOUSE REMOULADE SALAD.
THE COMPOUND IS PARTICULARLY ABUNDANT IN BROCCOLI, CABBAGE,
KALE, AND BRUSSELS SPROUTS. THE REAL WINNER HERE?
CABBAGE. GOOD FOR CABBAGE, GETTING TO
HANG OUT WITH BOUGIE GLAMOUR VEGETABLES LIKE KALE AND
BRUSSELS SPROUTS! BRUSSELS SPROUTS, WHAT AN
ABSOLUTE GLOW-UP THEY HAVE HAVE HAD.
HAS ANYTHING HAD A QUICKER TURNAROUND THAN BRUSSELS
SPROUTS? IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
THEN, BANG, WE'RE ROASTING 'EM NO ONE WAS INTERESTED AND AND
CRISPING 'EM. WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
>> I WAS SAYING TO LAUREN, DON'T GET IAN STARTED ON BRUSSELS
SPROUTS? >> James: WHY?
>> I HAPPEN TO HAVE AN INTERESTING BRUSSELS SPROUTS
FACT. I HAPPEN TO HAVE A PRETTY
INTERESTING FACT ABOUT BRUSSELS SPROUTS.
>> James: JUST TO BE CLEAR, I JUST WANT TO YOU REMEMBER THIS
IS BEING FILMED AND YOU JUST SAID OUT LOUD I HAVE AN
INTERESTING BRUSSELS SPROUTS FACT.
>> YEAH. >> James: HIT US WITH IT.
>> BRUSSELS SPROUTS WHEN WE WERE KIDS AND OLDER VIEWERS WHEN THEY
WERE GROWING UP TASTED DISGUSTING, EVERYBODY HATED
BRUSSELS SPROUTS. THEY STRATEGICALLY THROUGH
SELECTIVE BREEDING REMOVED THE ENZYME THAT MAKES THEM GROSS AS
HELL AND THAT'S WHY BRUSSELS SPROUTS ARE GOOD NOW.
>> James: ISN'T IT JUST BECAUSE WE'RE COOKING THEM --
[APPLAUSE] BUT IT'S NOT JUST THEY REMOVED
THE ENZYME, WE STARTED COOKING THEM IN A MYRIAD OF WAYS.
>> NO. NO.
OH, YOU THINK THEY JUST DISCOVERED BUTNER 1997?
I CAME IN HOTTER THAN I MEANT [LAUGHTER] TO
ON THAT. >> James: YOU DID.
VERY HOT. I KIND OF THINK THEY DID.
I THINK THEY SORT OF STARTED SHREDDING AND ROASTING.
>> ISN'T THAT FRESH VERSUS CANNED?
>> IT'S NOT THAT. IT'S THE ENZYME.
>> [BLEEP]. THANK YOU.
>> James: I NEVER SAW THIS IS THE HILL YOU'LL DIE ON.
>> I'M NOT NECESSARILY READY TO DIE ON THIS HILL.
IT HAPPENS TO BE A REALLY TALL HILL AND NOBODY COULD CLIMB IT
AND I'M AT THE TOP. >> James: I DON'T THINK IT'S
JUST THE REMOVAL OF THIS -- >> IT IS!
>> James: WELL, THERE YOU GO. HEY, WE PROMISED YOU NEWS, AND
YOU GOT SOME. AND, LATER THIS WEEK,
TESLA WILL BE OPENING ITS NEW BILLION-DOLLAR AUSTIN, TEXAS
HEADQUARTERS, KNOWN AS THE "GIGA-FACTORY."
AND, ELON MUSK PLANS TO CELEBRATE THE OPENING WITH A
15,000-PERSON, INVITATION-ONLY FESTIVAL HE'S CALLING
"GIGA-FEST." I HEAR IT'S GOING TO BE
HEADLINED BY... LADY GIGA.
[LAUGHTER] >> IT JUST WASN'T GOOD.
[LAUGHTER] >> James: THAT'S -- YES, NO!
YOU'RE RIGHT! THAT IS WHY I -- NO, TOO LATE
NOW. TRY IT AGAIN.
IT'S GOING HEADLINED BY LADY GIGA.
[DRUM BEAT] [LAUGHTER]
[DRUM BEAT] >> James: WAIT FOR ME WHEN I
DO THAT, DON'T MAKE IT TOO BIG. [DRUM BEAT]
NO. NOT LIKE THAT.
THAT SOUNDED LIKE SOMETHING FROM WHIPLASH.
[LAUGHTER] IT'S GOING TO BE HEADLINED BY
LADY GIGA! [DRUM BEAT]
I DIDN'T DO IT. I DIDN'T!
[LAUGHTER] TRY TO MAKE ME LOOK GOOD.
>> I DO THAT EVERY TIME I'M ON THIS STAGE.
[LAUGHTER] >> James: TRY TO MAKE ME LOOK
GOOD. MOTHER-IN-LAW IS IN TONIGHT.
OVER THERE. ONLY PERSON WHO DIDN'T -- NO.
SHE WON'T WANT A MICROPHONE. DON'T GO NEAR HER.
SHE WILL BAT THAT AWAY QUICKER THAN YOU'LL EVER SEE.
I HEAR IT'S GOING TO BE HEADLINED BY LADY GIGA.
IT'S TOO MUCH. FORGET IT.
FORGET IT. THE "GIGA-FEST" WILL INCLUDE
ENTERTAINMENT. THIS FESTIVAL SOUNDS LIKE
COACHELLA, BUT FOR PEOPLE WHO SHOWER WITH THEIR BLUETOOTH IN.
[LAUGHTER] BUT A PARTY AT A FACTORY JUST
FEELS LIKE A WAY TO TRICK PEOPLE INTO GIVING YOU FREE LABOR.
LIKE "ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE TAKE A SHOT, THEN PULL THESE LEVERS!
YEAH! SICK!"
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'D FIND IN A BILLION-DOLLAR ELON MUSK
FACTORY? >> LABOR VIOLATIONS?
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
>> James: AND, DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?
A DENTIST IN WISCONSIN HAS BEEN CONVICTED OF INTENTIONALLY
BREAKING HIS PATIENTS' TEETH, SO HE COULD GET PAID TO FIX THEM.
AND HE MADE MILLIONS OF DOLLARS DOING THIS.
THIS WOULD BE LIKE IF YOUR THERAPIST STARTED EVERY SESSION
BY SAYING THAT EVERYBODY HATES YOU AND YOU'RE A STUPID LITTLE
DORK. THE MAN FACES A POSSIBLE TEN
YEARS IN PRISON FOR EACH COUNT -- BLESS YOU, CICI -- FIVE FOR
EACH FALSE STATEMENT AND ANOTHER FIVE FOR USING
BUBBLE GUM MOUTH RINSE-- NOT MINTY --
EVEN THOUGH HIS PATIENTS WERE ADULTS.
AND, HERE'S SOME NEWS FROM MY HOMELAND.
IN HONOR OF THE QUEEN'S PLATINUM JUBILEE WEEKEND IN JUNE, BRITISH
PUBS WILL BE ALLOWED TO STAY OPEN TWO HOURS LATER THAN USUAL.
AS IF PUBS CLOSING EVER STOPPED BRITS FROM DRINKING.
[LAUGHTER] THEY'RE DOING THIS MOSTLY
BECAUSE IT'S FUN TO LISTEN TO DRUNK PEOPLE TRY TO SAY
"PLATINUM JUBILEE." [LAUGHTER]
QUEEN GETTING KICKED OUT OF A I JUST LIKE PICTURING THE BAR,
LIKE, "SCREW YOU, MAN! YOU CLOSE WHEN I SAY YOU CLOSE!
SHOULD WE GET KEBABS?" IT'S ACTUALLY A VERY GOOD
AND, WE WANTED TO TELL YOU IMPRESSION. ABOUT
ACCORDING TO A RECENT STUDY, THIS. 90%
OF AMERICANS HAVE A COWORKER THAT ANNOYS THEM.
IF YOU'RE IN THAT 10% THAT DOESN'T HAVE ONE, YOU'RE THE
ANNOYING COWORKER. [LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE] ACCORDING TO THE SURVEY, THE
THREE MOST ANNOYING COWORKER HABITS ARE INTERRUPTING DURING
VIRTUAL MEETINGS, TAKING CREDIT FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S WORK, AND
BEING NICK BURNSTEIN. >> NO.
NO. NO.
I JUST WANNA SAY, I KNOW WE I JUST WANNA SAY. HAVE
THE NEWS AND IT'S REAL BUSY, WE ALL HAD TO SIT HERE AND LISTEN
TO A 10-MINUTE CONVERSATION ABOUT BRUSSELS SPROUTS BUT WE'RE
NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE. I'M THE ANNOYING ONE?
[LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE]
DOESN'T BRING UP THE BRUSSELS >> IF YOUR PONYTAIL ASS SPROUTS
FACT IN A DINNER PARTY IN THE NEXT SIX MONTHS, I WILL GIVE YOU
$10 MILLION! THAT'S 100%.
>> James: ACCORDING TO THE STUDY, PEOPLE FIND IT ANNOYING
WHEN CO-WORKERS INTERRUPT. DO YOU THINK THAT'S TRUE, IAN?
I DON'T THINK THAT IS. AND FINALLY, A CADILLAC
LIMOUSINE NOW HOLDS THE GUINNESS WORLD RECORD FOR THE
LONGEST CAR IN THE WORLD. HERE IT IS, HERE.
THE LIMO IS OVER 100 FEET LONG AND FEATURES A HELIPAD, PUTTING
GREEN, AND SWIMMING POOL. BUT, GET THIS, IT'S TOO LONG TO
DRIVE, BECAUSE IT CAN'T MAKE TURNS.
SO IT'S LESS OF A CAR, AND MORE OF A (BLEEP) TRAIN.
[LAUGHTER] LOOK AT THAT.
IT'S A [BLEEP] TRAIN. THAT'S ALL IT IS.
I LIKE THE AMERICAN FLAGS ON THE HOOD -- JUST IN CASE YOU WEREN'T
SURE WHICH COUNTRY WOULD MAKE THE BIGGEST, MOST IMPRACTICAL
CAR IN THE WORLD. [APPLAUSE]
SURE, A 100-FOOT LONG CAR SEEMS A BIT EXCESSIVE, UNTIL YOU
REALIZE THAT THIS IS THE GUY WHO OWNS IT.
[LAUGHTER] WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE
"THE LATE LATE SHOW" SHOW, EVERYBODY!