-I recently saw
that a man
went and saw the film "Spider-Man: No Way Home"
290 times -- 292 times, excuse me, in theaters --
292 times, setting a Guinness World Record,
and, well,
it got me to thinking.
I'm getting older.
[ Laughter ] Sometimes I look around,
I don't even recognize the world I'm living in.
Things are changing every day, and not always for the better.
And it's time to take a moment to talk about how things were,
well, just a bit more simple
back in my day.
[ Poignant tune plays ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
♪♪
Back in my day, a man wasn't setting
Guinness Records by seeing "Spider-Man: No Way Home"
in theaters 292 times.
Back in my day, a man was setting a Guinness Record
by seeing "Avengers: Endgame"
191 times.
[ Laughter ]
You want to hear something funny?
It's the same guy.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Seriously, Google it.
What was the record even for,
Least Weekend Plans?
[ Laughter ]
Sure, Spider-Man needs to find his way home,
but so do you, sir.
[ Laughter ] You cannot live in this theater.
Back in my day, Twitter wasn't getting an edit button.
Nope. Back then, you just had to live with the tweets
the way you first tweeted them.
Even that one from the time you got a selfie with Penn Jillette
at a casino in Vegas and tweeted,
"Here's me and my boy Penis Jillette."
[ Laughter ]
By the time you noticed it,
it had already gotten three likes
and there was no way you were going to risk losing them...
[ Laughter ]
...by reposting it with the correct spelling.
Nothing you could do. You just had to live with it.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, Tom Brady wasn't retiring
and then coming back a couple of months later.
Back in my day,
a great athlete was only allowed to unretire
after he sucked at a different sport, first...
[ Laughter ]
...like Michael Jordan in Minor League Baseball.
-[ Barks ]
-Yeah, Rusty, I-I guess it was
a bit of a curve ball,
going after MJ like that,
but don't worry, he'll never be able to hit it.
[ Laughter and applause ]
Back in my day, Tucker Carlson wasn't advocating
for testicle tanning.
Balls-derdash!
[ Light laughter ] Back in my day,
if Tucker Carlson was testicle tanning,
it would've taken forever because that dude is
100% nuts.
[ Laughter ]
Hey, Rusty, what do you think about testicle tanning?
-[ Growls ] -[ Laughing ] Oh,
that's right, Rusty.
Forgot I had them removed.
[ Laughter ]
Sorry for bringing up old wounds, boy.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, we weren't pulling the plug
on CNN+ after just one month.
Back in my day, we were trying to pull the plug
on Grandma after one month.
[ Laughter ]
Oh, but Grandma, she'd keep
plugging it right back in
[ Laughter ] and then we'd yank it out again.
I remember this funny thing Grandma used to say --
"Please, it's just a broken ankle."
[ Laughter ]
That crazy old bat.
We'll get you, one of these days!
[ Laughter ]
I want your jewels!
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, Tom Holland,
Tobey Maguire, and Andrew Garfield
weren't all playing Spider-Man in the same movie.
I guess just some nerd nonsense about the multiverse.
-[ Barks ]
-Well,
if there's another Rusty out there,
I bet he got put down the first time he bit a kid.
[ Laughter ]
You, sir, are on like strike 20.
-[ Barks ]
-All 20 kids asked for it?
You got some balls.
Oh, wait!
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, gas wasn't
six bucks a gallon at Shell stations.
Back in my day, if you wanted gas for $6,
you went to McDonald's.
[ Laughter ] I'll tell you what.
It might have been a Happy Meal for you,
but it wasn't for everyone else in the car.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, you didn't get slapped
for making a G.I. Jane joke. No!
You got an appropriate punishment,
of simply being booed out of the writers' room
of "Late Night with Seth Meyers."
[ Laughter ]
Isn't that right, Ian?
-But you got the joke, right?
Instead of -- Instead of Demi Moore, [more]
that movie could've used Demi...less.
[ Laughter ]
That's enough out of you, Ian!
[ Laughter ]
Now, go and think about the shame you brought on this show.
♪♪
[ Laughter and applause ]
Back in my day, people weren't upset
that Elon Musk was trying to buy Twitter.
They were upset he was trying to go into outer space.
But now that he's trying to buy Twitter,
we're starting to like that space option a lot better.
[ Laughter ]
Back in my day, Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski,
aka Coach K, wasn't retiring.
What the hell would he do in retirement,
catch some Z's.
He's already got all the Z's he needs,
right there in his name.
[ Brief laughter ]
-Hey, why is that one okay?
-Because I'm the host, Ian!
-[ Barking ] Don't you ever question me
on this show!
I will handle this, Rusty!
Don't you back me up!
Ian, you should be ashamed of yourself!
Two more hours in the corner!
[ Laughter ]
[ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪
Back in my day, Disney wasn't a controversial brand, no.
Back then, the only thing controversial about Disney was
whatever was going on in "Beauty and the Beast."
I mean, that was interspecies, right?
[ Laughter ]
Like, sure, he turns into a man at the end,
but, personally, I think Belle was...more into it
before the transformation, right?
[ Laughter ]
If that's your thing, be my guest.
[ Laughter ]
Also, right-wing weirdos,
you want to protect your kids from Disney?
Ask Donald Duck to put some [bleep] pants on.
[ Laughter ]
Speaking of Disney, how come Goofy can talk,
but Pluto can't? They're both dogs.
-Great question, Seth.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Rusty, did you just speak?!
-[ Barks ] -[ Laughs ] Oh, that's better.
Well, I'm sorry,
but sometimes this grumpy Gus has got to get his gramps on.
This has been "Back in My Day."
[ Cheering and applause ]
We'll be right back.