Cairns an hour south of the beautiful and infinitely better Port Douglas
Cairns is the Gateway to the Great Barrier Reef in the same way that marijuana, is a gateway to meth.
Unless you visit somewhere with the same weather is a human armpit, don't come here. Tonight on GO AWAY, I'll show you why.
To start off, I went to have a chat with the man to discuss this tropical shithole, but suddenly he was unavailable.
So I made do with the unofficial mayor of Cairns, local businessman, Trent.
Thanks for filling in for the real man. No worries
That's the only reason I got you here because he was too gutless didn't want to turn up what it is
It is midday, mate and most granddad's haven't sleep at midday. So
What are you gonna do when the reef dies? I'm worried that it's gonna be dead. It's called the time I get there
Hurry, am I gonna witness it dying? No, not a slow and painful death. It's thriving you'll love it. Yeah
Well, I feel like everyone comes to Cairns the Great Barrier Reef. Isn't that like me being friends with you?
Just cuz you got a hot sister
If you enjoy swimming in places that are like a cross between a beach and a pool but not as good as either, the esplanade lagoon is for you
Welcome to the biggest Urinal in Cairns.
It's already bong temperature, so no one notices the warm patches.
It's a great place to swim if you enjoy waiting through used frangers(condoms) from the backpackers who are rooting in here last night
One of the best ways to get to know a place (bullshit) is to ever be with the locals. Put it on my tab.
G'day, are you locals?
Backpackers, which one of you was rooting in the lagoon last night
Flights depart regularly from capital cities all over Australia, but if you're lucky your plane will be diverted to somewhere much better
If you come to Cairns
There are only two things to do book a flight out as soon as possible and heading out to the Great Barrier Reef
You're both slower than ours suck ship
This is Todd, the captain of the ship. How are you? Sick? Nah, I'm doing alright the stage.
Have you ever licked a cane toad.
No
Hear it's good though. What are you gonna do when the reef dies? Take people to a dead reef I guess.
Testing, I just have an announcement to make. The reef is now dead.
It's dead today. I'm really sorry.
No trip to the Great Barrier Reef is complete without getting dressed up like a knob and showing everyone the Arrancar
And when you've had enough of looking at dead coral
Why not come out for some fun at the Cairns zoom and wildlife dome?
The biggest attraction is the zipline over Goliath the sedate crocodile. This zipline is on the roof of the casino
So when you finish gambling downstairs, you can come up here and gamble with your life
Are you gonna go now?
No, this place is probably run by backpackers who have less concern for my safety than a carny
If I'm going to plunge to my death, I'll do it in a city with good coffee
Alright, we have been here a while now. Alright...yipee
So there you have it just like the Great Barrier Reef
Cairns is dead, and not worth going to. If your friend say let's go to Cannes tell them to go away
Pelham's is shit gonna take
You