- And then I wore a condom, which you should always do,
but a condom is just a choke hold for your boner.
(upbeat electronic music)
- Welcome to This Is Not Happening Presents
One Crazy Night.
So this is what we do, we're a bunch of comedians,
tell stories about a similar subject.
So, this is just one crazy night.
Give it up for Mr. Kyle Kinane, everybody.
(audience applause)
- How's it going?
Sorry there's no naked ladies here.
But a bunch of dudes that look like me.
What a suitable replacement.
I'll just let you into my life,
so you know my point of view on things.
Yesterday, I picked my nose,
and then I didn't want to wipe it on my couch,
but I was too lazy to get up and get a kleenex,
so I put it back in my nose.
(audience laughter)
So now that you know that about me,
let's get into some current events.
Two weeks ago during sex, a woman sighed into my face.
In my face, just went "uck," to my face,
during sex, not before like,
"uck I guess we're gonna do this,"
not after like, "uck that happened,"
in the middle.
Two thumbs down to the movie
before she finished watching it.
"Uck." You can't do that to somebody's face,
during sex. "Uck."
Listen, you don't have to fake an orgasm,
but don't act like I wrote you a parking ticket
in the middle of it, alright?
If you want me to retain my enthusiasm.
It's like three in the morning you know,
there was booze and then there was some hash on top of that.
And then I wore a condom, which you should always do,
but a condom is just a choke hold for your boner.
That's all it is.
A condom at three in the morning is just like,
you go to sleep, you go to sleep right now.
You go to sleep.
There's going to be some al dente moments, you know.
(audience laughter)
So, it's like yeah, okay.
But you don't have to act like it's that,
yeah I'm gonna thumb this idiot for the next 20 minutes.
By the way, your meter ran out so that's.
(audience laughter)
That was a Tuesday night.
Wednesday, I went and got some Japanese noodles,
which is already a dumb look,
noodles going into this stupid face.
This look, can we be done with this already?
This stupid look for guys.
This isn't a fetish.
How can we keep every comedian on this show so far,
like women like this, yeah,
women wanna be reminded of their dad's friend
that used to show up in the early 80s,
that he only knew briefly during 'nam.
He's come over to the house
and he'd stare at me a little too long.
But it wasn't sexual, you could tell,
because I reminded him of the girl he couldn't save
from the village he was ordered to burn down.
(audience laughter)
It's a dumb look, it's stupid.
(audience laughter)
All this is. This is like when girls use the big waistband
to hide their bellies.
This is just guys hiding fat chins, that's all this is.
So, there's noodles hanging out of this,
just in pajama bottoms,
looking out the window just wondering about
like how can I improve?
(audience laughter)
Maybe not take the dead man's elbow three minutes into it.
Just oh god.
That's the giveaway, the death roll.
We're crumbling, the tent's falling,
the tent's falling.
What if I just lay on you and wiggle?
(audience laughter)
So, I'm having noodles, and I'm looking out the window.
There's just like whatever,
some shitty Depeche Mode soundtrack
on the 80s XM thing playing.
And then a car ran into the building,
next to where I was sitting,
just right next, 10 feet away,
went over the sidewalk into the building,
that was it, just crash-o right there.
10 feet over me, in the window,
noodles, Depeche Mode, pajamas.
And that was almost the end,
that could of been the end.
You wanna think that your last moment is going to be epic.
It's going to be your life flashing before you,
and you're going to be like,
there's every beautiful moment and loved one.
Or shit, what if it's regrets?
That's everything I did wrong.
But the end of your life might just be that,
noodles, Depeche Mode, car,
and you just going, fucking seriously?
And you're dead.
Like that could be the end of it all.
And that's the most unpoetic thing that could have happened,
on top of "uck."
And that kills me to know that.
Because you realize that especially now,
in this day and age,
you're going to have a soundtrack to your death.
Everybody's going to walk around,
you got your headphones in.
Everybody's listening to something,
or this and that.
You're going to have a soundtrack to your death.
It's not going to be a good soundtrack,
because you don't listen to the good shit
that you hope people would judge you on,
when it's just jammed in your ears.
No, just Prince's 1999 on repeat while you're at the bank,
boop boop boop boop, because you don't care.
And that's how you're going to die.
I drove through a gang shoot-out in East LA,
listening to the Go-Go's greatest hits in my car.
That's how I almost perished once on this earth.
I pulled up, it was eight years ago,
it wasn't so great.
Pull off Avenue 52 there.
And I pull off, just singing Vacation,
that one's my favorite, I like Vacation personally.
So I pull off, Vacation's playing,
and in the bushes right by the exit,
there's somebody,
some roustabout tussling there.
Some rapscallion.
I like to refer to gang members as old timey villain terms,
it kind of makes the whole thing a little bit easier
to pallette, you know.
So this rapscallion's just tussling about here.
I'm like what's he doing over here?
Little ne'er-do-well, this guy.
I just continue singing Vacation.
I get about a block and a half down,
through the chorus, you know.
And then there's another young Latino youth.
(audience laughter)
And he's crambling behind a van.
Now crambling's not a word.
(audience laughter)
But I think if I say it enough,
people will start, you know, crambling,
it's like something Willie Nelson would've made up.
How's that tour back in '72?
Oh we were just crambling through West Texas,
you know me and Waylon
just crambling on the back of the bus there man.
So, he's crambling,
and he's holding what I believe to be a microscope.
Because that's how much I know about firearms.
I just saw something metallic and tubular,
and I was like what's this midnight scientist up to,
over here?
This guy's getting that school work done,
burning the midnight oil.
You get that scholarship.
You get out of these surroundings,
you get that scholarship.
Oh no, it's a pistol, and they were shooting at each other.
And that's what I just drove through
singing Belinda Carlisle hits.
(audience laughter)
And that could just be it.
That could be the end of your life.
Vacation all I ever wanted.
Vacation there's a guy with a gun.
And that was the end.
That was my messed up week.
So that's it. Thanks for listening.
(audience applause)
(upbeat electronic music)
- Hey, wasn't that an amazing story?
If you liked it, why don't you click like over there?
So other people know about it,
and then also leave a comment,
so you can get in a whole flame war with people
and start a fight with people you don't even know,
and then subscribe,
so you get next week's This Is Not Happening story,
as soon as it comes out.
This Is Not Happening. This Is Not Happening.
(grumble)