SPEAKING OF STRANGE LEGAL REASONING, DONALD TRUMP.
A FEW WEEKS AGO, THE HOUSE OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE ISSUED A
SUBPOENA FOR DONALD TRUMP'S FINANCIAL STATEMENTS TO SEE
"WHETHER THE PRESIDENT HAS BEEN ACCURATE IN HIS FINANCIAL
REPORTING."
I CAN HELP YOU WITH THAT ONE: NAH-UH.
AND THIS WEEK, TRUMP'S LAWYERS ASKED A FEDERAL JUDGE TO BLOCK
THE SUBPOENA BECAUSE "CONGRESS HAS ESSENTIALLY NO AUTHORITY TO
INVESTIGATE ANY PRESIDENT FOR ANYTHING."
WOW.
THAT IS A BIG SWING.
RIGHT NOW, NIXON'S GHOST IS WHAT THE HELL.
CAN I HAVE A REDO?
SORRY, I WOULD TAKE NIXON BACK RIGHT NOW, BY THE WAY.
TRUMP'S LAWYERS ARGUE THAT BY TRYING TO INVESTIGATE TRUMP'S
CORRUPTION, CONGRESS IS "ASSUMING THE POWERS OF THE
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE," WHICH IS WITHIN THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH,
WHICH IS CONTROLLED BY THE SO THE ONLY PERSON, BY THIS
LOGIC, ALLOWED TO INVESTIGATE TRUMP, IS TRUMP HIMSELF.
( KNOCKS ON DOOR )
THERE?" "DON'T COME IN.
I'M INVESTIGATING MYSELF!
AND I'M ALMOST EXONERATED."
SOOOO CLOSE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
IT'S A QUALITY FAMILY JOKE IS WHAT THAT WAS.
NOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE UNHAPPY WITH THIS TACTIC, ESPECIALLY
HOUSE DEMOCRATS.
BUT A SENIOR ADMINISTRATION OFFICIAL ASSURED THE NATION,
SAYING THAT WHEN IT COMES TO THE PRESIDENT, "HE'S NOT ABOVE THE
LAW, BUT HE'S ALSO NOT BELOW THE LAW."
WAIT A SECOND.
MR. PRESIDENT, IF YOU'RE NOT ABOVE THE LAW AND NOT BELOW THE
LAW, WHAT ARE YOU?
>> I AM THE LAW.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE ).
>> Stephen: OKAY, OKAY.
I GET IT.
OKAY, ONE PERSON WHO IS COOPERATING WITH CONGRESS IS
FIRST CHILD AND BOY WHO RODE THE PONY ALL BY HIMSELF, DONALD
TRUMP JR. AFTER WEEKS OF IGNORING THEIR
SUBPOENA, LAST NIGHT, JUNIOR STRUCK A DEAL FOR A LIMITED
INTERVIEW WITH THE INTELLIGENCE COMMITTEE.
TO BE FAIR, EVERY MEETING WITH DON JR. INVOLVES LIMITED
INTELLIGENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
BUT STILL-- STILL-- STILL, THIS IS A BIG CHANGE.
JUST LAST WEEKEND, JUNIOR'S LAWYERS DRAFTED A LETTER TO THE
COMMITTEE, TELLING ITS MEMBERS THAT DONALD TRUMP JR. WOULD NOT
SUBMIT TO OPEN-ENDED QUESTIONS BEFORE A PANEL THAT INCLUDED
MULTIPLE DEMOCRATS RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT.
WELL, COME ON!
YOU WALK INTO ANY ROOM, YOU'LL FIND MULTIPLE DEMOCRATS RUNNING
FOR PRESIDENT.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TRUE.
THIS-- I BOUGHT A COFFEE THIS MORNING,
I BOUGHT A COFFEE THIS MORNING, AND I'M 90% SURE MY BARISTA WAS
BETO O'ROURKE.
( LAUGHTER )
COMMITTEE AGREED TO AN INTERVIEW WITH THE QUESTIONS LIMITED TO
ABOUT A HALF-DOZEN TOPICS AND THE TIME LIMITED TO NO
LONGER THAN TWO TO FOUR HOURS.
THAT'S A GOOD DEAL FOR HIM, ACTUALLY.
AS THE "TIMES" PUT IT, THE MOVE WAS "STRAIGHT OUT OF HIS
FATHER'S PLAYBOOK: SET THE TERMS OF THE DEBATE AT THE MOST
EXTREME END OF THE DISCUSSION BY SAYING HE WOULD NOT APPEAR,
PROMPT A CONTROVERSY, THEN CUT A DEAL ON HIS OWN TERMS."
WELL, IF THAT'S THE PLAYBOOK, CAN YOU IMAGINE A NEGOTIATION
BETWEEN TRUMP AND DON JR.?
"JUNIOR, CLEAN YOUR ROOM."
"HOW ABOUT I SET FIRE TO MY ROOM?"
"HOW ABOUT I DIVORCE YOUR MOTHER?
DEAL?
LET'S SHAKE ON IT."
( APPLAUSE )
TRADE WAR WITH CHINA.
HIT IT, JON!
♪ TRADE WAR, HUH WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?
♪ I AM REALLY ASKING SAY IT AGAIN, Y'ALL ♪
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT IT WOULD HAPPEN THIS TIME.
>> Jon: I DID, TOO?
>> Stephen: TODAY, CHINESE PRESIDENT XI JINPING GAVE HIS
FIRST PUBLIC STATEMENTS SINCE THE TARIFFS RAMPED UP AND
DESCRIBED THE ESCALATING CONFLICT BETWEEN THE U.S. AND
CHINA AS A "STUPID IDEA AND DISASTROUS ACT."
IT'S NOT AN ACT, SIR.
HE REALLY IS THAT STUPID.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
XI, XI-- XI-- XI CALLED FOR UNDERSTANDING
BETWEEN THE TWO NATIONS, SAYING, "WE SHOULD HOLD UP EQUALITY AND
RESPECT AND ABANDON PRIDE AND PREJUDICE."
WAY AHEAD OF YOU XI.
I ABANDONED PRIDE AND PREJUDICE ABOUT TWO CHAPTERS IN.
NO EXPLOSIONS, NO QUALITY KILLS.
MR. DARCY DOESN'T EVEN KNOW KUNG FU.
IT'S NOT JUST CHINA WHO HAS ISSUES WITH THIS TRADE WAR.
SO DOES TRUMP'S OWN PARTY.
ACCORDING TO GOP SENATOR PAT TOOMEY, "THE FACT IS IT'S
AMERICANS WHO ARE GOING TO PAY THE PRICE OF THESE TARIFFS.
BUT, "I ASSUME THE PRESIDENT UNDERSTANDS HOW THIS WORKS."
WHY WOULD YOU ASSUME THAT HE KNOWS ANYTHING!
THAT HE KNOWS HOW ANYTHING WORKS?
THIS IS HIM IN A STATIONARY FIRE TRUCK!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
TONIGHT.
WE HAVE THE GUYS FROM "POD SAVE AMERICA," AND GLOBAL SUPER-GROUP
BTS!