MARDI GRAS.
DID YOU KNOW TONIGHT WAS MARDI
GRAS?
THE BIGGEST DAY OF THE YEAR FOR
PLASTIC PENIS WHISTLES WITH
GLITTER ON THEM, HANDS DOWN.
MARDI GRAS TRANSLATES FROM
FRENCH FAT TUESDAY.
NEXT WEEK IS SUPER TUESDAY, THEN
SUPER FAT TUESDAY.
THIS IS DEBATE NUMBER TEN FOR
THE DEMOCRATS, AND ONE OF THE
BIG QUESTIONS GOING INTO THIS IS
HOW MIKE BLOOMBERG WOULD RESPOND
TO HIS POOR SHOWING AT THE
DEBATE LAST WEEK.
SO FAR, BLOOMBERG SPENT ABOUT
$500 MILLION TO GET SMACKED
AROUND BY ELIZABETH WARREN ON
TELEVISION.
HIS PRIMARY GOAL WAS TO TRY TO
KNOCK OFF THE NUMBER ONE GUY,
BERNIE SANDERS.
BERNIE HAS A LOT OF PLANS,
EXPENSIVE PLANS.
HE'S NO DUMMY.
EVERY TIME ONE OF THE OTHER
CANDIDATES ASKS WHO'S GOING TO
PAY FOR THESE PROGRAMS HE POINTS
TO BLOOMBERG AND SAYS HIM!
MEANWHILE, PRESIDENT TRUMP IS ON
HIS WAY BACK HOME FROM INDIA
WHERE HE WAS WELL BUTTERED.
THIS IS GOING TO SURPRISE YOU.
HE BELIEVES THE RECEPTION HE GOT
WAS LIKE NOTHING THE INDIAN
PEOPLE HAD EVER GIVEN BEFORE.
>> IN THE HISTORY OF INDIA,
WHICH HAS A LONG HISTORY AND A
BRILLIANT HISTORY IN SO MANY
DIFFERENT WAYS, THERE'S NEVER
BEEN A RECEPTION GIVEN TO
SOMEBODY LIKE WAS GIVEN, AND I
WOULD LIKE TO SAY FOR THE USE ND
STATES OF AMERICA.
BUT I WOULD LIKE TO SAY NOBODY
GOT THE BIG RECEPTION.
>> OF COURSE HE GOT A BIG
RECEPTION.
THEY LOVE COWS IN INDIA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
TRUMP WENT ON TO OVERESTIMATE
THE SIZE OF THE CROWD, EVEN
THOUGH THERE WERE THOUSANDS OF
EMPTY SEATS IN THE STADIUM,
WHILE HE WAS SPEAKING, AND
PEOPLE WERE LEAVING WHEEL HE WAS
SPEAKING, THE DONALD BRAIN
TRANSLATED THAT TO MEAN THERE
WERE FANS LINED UP OUTSIDE TO
GET IN.
>> THERE WERE 125,000 SEATS
YESTERDAY, THEY WERE FULL.
YOU HAD THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS
OF PEOPLE OUTSIDE.
PRIME MINISTER MODI WAS TELLING
ME THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE OUTSIDE.
THAT'S NOT UNCOMMON FOR ME TO BE
HONEST.
THEY'D NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE
IT.
SOMEBODY SAID IT WAS THE
GREATEST GREETING EVER GIVEN TO
ANY HEAD OF STATE FROM ANY
COUNTRY.
>> Jimmy: WHO, WHO SAID THAT?
WHO, WAS THAT SOMEONE IN A
MIRROR AND LOOKS JUST LIKE YOU?
WHEN HE WAS DONE BRAGGING ABOUT
THE SIZE OF HIS CROWD, HE TOOK
SOME TEAM TO TALK ABOUT ISIS.
>> WELL, I DON'T THINK ANYBODY'S
DONE MORE THAN I HAVE, IF YOU
LOOK.
BECAUSE I CAME IN, AND IF YOU
CHECK YOUR MAPS AND LOOK AT IRAQ
AND SYRIA, IT WAS ALL OVER.
IN FACT, THEY HAD IT PAINTED A
CERTAIN COLOR, I WON'T TELL YOU
WHAT COLOR, BECAUSE IT DOESN'T
MATTER.
SOMEBODY WILL SAY IT WAS A
REPUBLICAN COLOR.
I DON'T WANT TO GET PEOPLE
CONFUSED.
BUT IT HAPPENED TO BE RED.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: HE MUST BE GREAT WITH
SURPRISES.
BARRON, I KNOW IT'S YOUR
BIRTHDAY TOMORROW, AND I DON'T
WANT TO SAY WE'RE THROWING YOU A
PARTY, BUT WE'RE THROWING YOU A
PARTY.
MELANIA MADE THE BE BEST OF HER
TRIP TO INDIA.
SHE TOOK PART IN WHAT THEY CALL
A HAPPINESS CLASS IN NEW DELHI.
THAT'S INTERESTING THAT SHE DID
THAT, BECAUSE WHATNA IN THE WO
WOULD MAKE MELANIA THINK SHE
MIGHT NEED A HAPPY, OH, YEAH,
THAT.
SHE NEEDS AN ESCAPE PLAN AND
GRAPPLING HOOK.
WE DID LEARN SOME INTERESTING
THINGS ABOUT DONALD TRUMP'S
HEALTH TODAY AS THE FORMER WHITE
HOUSE DOCTOR RONNY JACKSON TOLD
THE NEW YORK TEAMS "NEW YORK TI
REGRETS NOT BEING ABLE TO DO
MORE TO IMPROVE THE PRESIDENT'S
DIET AND EXERCISE.
THIS IS A REAL QUOTE FROM A MAN
WHO WAS THE ACTUAL DOCTOR FOR
THE ACTUAL PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES, ALL RIGHT?
WE WERE WORKING ON HIS DIET.
WE WERE MAKING THE ICE CREAM
LESS ACCESSIBLE.
WE WERE PUTTING CAULIFLOWER INTO
THE MASHED POTATOES.
THAT IS WHAT WE DO WITH OUR
5-YEAR-OLD AT HOME.
IMAGINE SNEAKING CAULIFLOWER
INTO THE PRESIDENT'S MASHED
POTATOES AND HIDE THE ICE CREAM
AS IF YOU'RE CAMPING AND YOU
DON'T WANT TO GET BEARS IN THE
CAMP.
TRUMP WEIGHED IN ON DR.
JACKSON'S CLAIM AND WEIGHED IN
TWEETING IT WAS A PERFECT
CAULIFLOWER.
THE STOCK MARKET WAS DOWN A LOT
TODAY IN PART BECAUSE OF THE
CORONAVIRUS, WHICH IS SPREADING.
IN FACT THREE PEOPLE IN OUR
THEATER -- NO, JUST KIDDING.
[ LAUGHTER ]
YOU KNOW, THIS MORNING, THE
PRESIDENT TWEETED THAT THE
CORONAVIRUS IS VERY MUCH UNDER
CONTROL IN THE USA, WHICH MEANS
WE'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.
BUT I MEAN, WE JUST FOUND OUT
THEY HAD TO THICK RICK HIM INTO
EATING VEGETABLES.
DO WE REALLY THINK HE HAS A
HANDLE ON THE CORONAVIRUS?
HAVE YOU SEEN THE CORONAVIRUS?
THE MICROSCOPIC?
I GOOGLED IT.
IT LOOKS MORE LIKE A HOMEMADE
CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT ON ETSY.
THAT CHARMING LITTLE BAUBLE IS
TRYING TO KILL US.
ONE PERSON WHO IS NOT CONCERNED
ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS IS RECENT
PRESIDENTIAL WINNER OF THE MEDAL
OF FREEDOM, RUSH LIMBAUGH.
>> THE CORONAVIRUS IS BEING
WEAPONIZED TO BRING DOWN DONALD
TRUMP.
I WANT TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH
ABOUT THE CORONAVIRUS.
YOU THINK I'M MISSING IT.
YEAH, I'M DEAD RIGHT ON THIS.
THE CORONAVIRUS IS THE COMMON
COLD.
>> Jimmy: WHAT?
OH, THAT'S GREAT NEWS.
JUST CHUG AN A LITTLE BIT OF
ROBITUSSIN, AND YOU'LL BE FINE.
IT DOESN'T SEEM LIKE A COLD IN
CHINA WHERE HEALTH OFFICIALS AND
POLICE ARE WORKING AROUND THE
CLOCK TO TRY TO CONTAIN IT.
THIS IS A REAL CORONAVIRUS DRILL
FROM CHINA.
[ LAUGHTER ]
>> Jimmy: YOU KNOW WHAT?
WHEN THE S.W.A.T. TEAM CAN'T GET
THE JOB DONE, SEND IN THE GUY
WITH THE POOL SKIMMER.
HOW DOES, IT'S NOT EVEN --
[ APPLAUSE ]
I THINK I KNOW WHY IT AS
STARTING TO SPREAD.
AND WHILE THERE MAY NOT BE A
VACCINE FOR THE CORONAVIRUS,
DISGRA
DISGRACED TELEVANGELIST JIM
BAKER HAS A CURE.
>> THIS THAT IS CIRCLING THE
GLOBE, YOU'RE SAYING SILVER
SOLUTION WOULD BE EFFECTIVE.
>> LET'S SAY IT HASN'T BEEN
TESTED ON THIS STRAIN OF THE
CORONAVIRUS, BUT IT'S BEEN
TESTED ON OTHER STRAINS OF THE
CORONAVIRUS AND HAS BEEN ABLE TO
ELIMINATE IT WITHIN 12 HOURS.
>> YEAH.
>> TOTALLY ELIMINATE IT, KILLS
IT, DEACTIVATES IT.
>> YEAH.
>> AND THEN IT BOOSTS YOUR
IMMUNE SYSTEM, SO THEN YOU CAN
SUPPORT THE RECOVERY.
WHEN YOU KILL THE VIRUS THEN THE
IMMUNE SYSTEM COME NOS INTO ACT
TO CLEAR IT OUT.
YOU WANT A VIBRANT IMMUNE SYSTEM
AS WELL AS THE ABILITY TO
DEACTIVATE THESE VIRUSES.
>> THAT'S SO GOOD.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.
THAT'S ABOUT AS REAL AS HARVEY
WEINSTEIN'S WALKER.
SILVER SOLUTION.
[ APPLAUSE ]
IT'S LIKE A TV SHOW ABOUT AN OLD
LADIES WHO SELL MYSTERIES.
THIS JIM BAKER IS QUITE THE
CHARACTER.
HOW THIS GUY CAME BACK AFTER
POCKETING ALL THAT MONEY FROM
HIS CHURCH REALLY IS A MIRACLE,
BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT?
HE PRAYED HIS WAY THROUGH.
THIS IS A VERY PRAYERFUL MAN, A
MAN WHO EVEN PRAYS ABOUT WHAT HE
WEARS.
>> I GET DRESSED, AND GOD, I
PRAY ABOUT WHAT I WEAR.
I REALLY DO.
I KNOW I LOOK STUPID SOMETIMES.
BUT THE LAST TIME GOD TOLD ME TO
WEAR A COLOR WAS RED.
>> RIGHT.
I REMEMBER.
>> AND WHAT HAPPENED THAT DAY?
THE STOCK MARKET CRASHED.
A FEW DAYS AGO.
>> I REMEMBER THAT.
>> YOU REMEMBER THAT?
YES.
>> Jimmy: YEAH, THAT WAS THE DAY
HE STOPPED DRESSING LIKE
SPIDERMAN TO WORK.
BUT I NEED TO BE CAREFUL,
BECAUSE ACCORDING TO JIM, GOD IS
GOING AFTER ANYONE WHO MAKES FUN
OF HIM.
>> ONE DAY YOU'RE GOING TO SHAKE
YOUR FIST IN GOD'S FACE.
AND YOU'RE GOING TO SAY, GOD,
WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME?
AND HE'S GOING TO SAY, YOU SAT
THERE, AND YOU MADE FUN OF JIM
BAKER ALL THOSE YEARS.
>> Jimmy: HE IS?
WELL, PACK YOUR BAGS, GUILLERMO,
I'M GOING TO HELL. 276 00:08:42,922 --> 00:00:00,000 >> Guillermo: YES, WE ARE.