gottman and gottman a married couple and
a pair of relationship researchers are
famous for predicting with 94 accuracy
which couples are gonna last together or
not all from just observing the couple
in conversation for 15 minutes i have
talked about gottman and gottman before
particularly about their findings of the
four telltale signs that your
relationship is doomed criticism
contempt defensiveness and stonewalling
but gottman and gottman also have the
inverse what's known as the golden
relationship ratio the magic ratio for
stable coupled them so the golden
relationship ratio states that in happy
couples every negative interaction needs
at least five positive ones to offset it
in order to tell if the magic ratio in
your relationship is imbalanced gng
recommend paying attention to and even
writing down how you and your partner
interact with each other for every
negative interaction are there several
positive interactions afterwards and if
you take note literally take note of
each exchange within a day are you
exceeding the 5 1 ratio positive to
negative so unhappy couples they say
tend to display a lot of the negative
behaviors like criticism bad feedback
unappreciation lack of affection or even
just like uninterested behavior and
their negative interactions usually uh
way outweigh the positive ones so let's
say you are you've done this you like
took notes in your journal every single
day and you're like oh god i don't have
the magic relationship ratio and you're
skewing negative how do you increase the
positives in your relationship well
gottman and gottman recommend six key
things one show interest in your partner
are you really listening are you showing
that you're listening are you interested
in what they have to say are you
providing intentional compliments and
can you find opportunities to agree and
engage on common ground
two show affection whether it's physical
words of affirmations smiling helping
with chores or just doing something
thoughtful three lighten things up be
playful joke enjoy each other's company
can you guys have fun together can you
plan a date for you both to enjoy
four show them they matter
when they're upset or excited about
something are you supportive or
encouraging are you showing care and
concern verbally and emotionally are you
empathizing with them acknowledging and
validating their feelings gottman and
gottman say that aiming to increase your
positive interactions by being
intentional in your communication and
engagement works wonders in rebalancing
your relationships magic golden ratio
and i also think that what they what
they have found is is very applicable to
friendships relationships with family
your pet like any kind of relationship
at all we all want to have more positive
interactions than negative ones and
obviously this does not mean like be
conflict-avoidant or be fake or
self-betrayed just to make sure you're
having a positive interaction on the
surface because in fact doing any of
those things will probably inherently
make the interaction negative because
now you're being a dishonest liar but
since hearing about the golden
relationship ratio i've been making more
of an effort to be intentional in my
relationship and to aim to create
positive interactions like am i putting
my phone down with my partners talking
am i asking questions about something
that's very clearly important to them am
i being supportive and encouraging and
most of all present since becoming more
aware of this i realize how many times
i've just let bids for connection kind
of like fly over my head so now i'm
making a real effort to spot him to
catch him midair and to create a more
positive fun playful environment for any
human in my life because most of the
time i'm a goblin so thank you gottman
i'm i'm working on it yay i'm anna akana
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