Hi, I'm sex and relationship coach Caitlin V
and today I'm going to talk to you about something that I get asked all the time,
which is, how frequently should you masturbate?
Alright, the truth is that masturbation is like
Goldilocks and the three bears.
Like, there is a perfect number for everyone
and it's definitely not the same for all of us.
Like, what the right frequency is for me is gonna be
a lot different than the right frequency for you.
The right frequency for a man with
premature ejaculation is gonna be a lot different
than a man who has delayed ejaculation
or erectile dysfunction, okay.
The core thing here to know
is that with a little bit of thoughtfulness
and a little bit of consideration
and maybe even a little bit of data tracking,
you can get to the perfect amount of masturbation for you
and then of course it will change because
we all change, we all have seasons.
What's right for you today will be right different for you tomorrow,
but regardless, we'll get into all of that.
Lets start at the very beginning with a little disclaimer.
No matter how often you masturbate,
Masturbation will never cause blindness, hair loss, hairy palms,
lack of lethargy, laziness, sleepiness
over activeness, over eating,
under eating, weight loss, weight gain, you name it.
It doesn't cause any of these things. I promise you it doesn't.
Even if you've heard that it does, it does not.
Masturbation in itself is completely normal, completely natural.
Something that our ancestors did before they probably even have language,
ever since the people that are us have been able to walk upright,
and had hand access toward genitals, there has been masturbation.
You masturbate, I masturbate, everyone masturbates, babies masturbate.
Babies who haven't even been born yet masturbate in utero.
It's a very natural thing to do. Why wouldn't we do?
There is a thing right there,
that feels good, and we can use
these things to make it feel good.
Listen, life is hard and occasionally crap.
But I don't need to tell you that I mean... You know.
Life is hard and occasionally it really sucks,
and the fact that we have this beautiful, wonderful gift
that we can give ourselves and make us feel good,
and it's free, and we can access it like almost any time of the day
as long as we are alone in private.
(SIGH)
I don't know about you, but that seems too good to pass up.
So, if I can leave you with anything from this video it would be
please do not feel shame.
Do not feel shame about your desire to masturbate.
Do not feel shame about your masturbation habits.
Do not feel shame about what you masturbate to.
Do not feel shame about the frequency or the... How often you masturbate.
It's great, you are okay. Okay. You are okay.
It is enough, and if it's not getting you to where you wanna go,
or it's getting in your way,
Those problems can be solved, okay.
We can take care of those things,
but not from a place of feeling shame.
We cannot work to make things better
when they are so covered in shame
that we can hardly look at them because it is so painful.
(SIGH)
Let's all just take a deep breath.
The shame that comes along with having sex in general is deep
and real and it's cross cultural and it's international
and it's... It impacts all generations and people of all ages, colors,
creeds, races, sexualities, genders, it doesn't matter.
Chances are good that if you don't feel shame about sex in some way or another,
you definitely feel shame about masturbation,
which is basically just having sex with yourself.
I like to call it self-pleasure.
Actually, because even the word masturbation is just so coded
with sticky, yucky term like shame feelings for most people, including me.
So, I had to rename it in order to even feel good about it,
and listen, you should feel good about it.
If you have a masturbation practice that is a part of your sexuality
that you are consciously using to get more in touch with your body,
to be a better lover to your partner, so that you don't feel the need to cheat,
so that you don't think about sex 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
So that you know yourself and what works for you,
I want you to develop a masturbation habit that you can feel good about, okay.
Frequency or how often you masturbate is one part of that.
The length of time that you masturbate is another part of that.
The... Getting to orgasm or not, is another part of that.
Okay, but for right now let's just talk about frequency,
how to know if you are masturbating too often.
So, it is entirely possible to masturbate too often.
The best indicator of if you are masturbating too often is,
is it getting in the way of your life?
Like, is it getting in the way of you hanging out with your friends?
Being there for your family, going to your job and making money?
Being present for your classes and succeeding,
whatever it is, if it's getting in the way, then it's too much.
If you are masturbating instead of going to work,
if you are calling in sick because you can't pull yourself away from porn.
If you are ignoring your family's or your friend's needs,
as they wanna hang out with you, or they rely on you or
they just love you and they wanna see you.
If you are not taking part in the rest of your life,
because you are busy masturbating, that's what we call compulsive masturbation,
and that is when masturbation becomes a problem.
If that describes you, please go see a professional.
Speak to a sex therapist, a sex coach, a doctor.
Speak someone who has some knowledge in this area.
A sex educator, a sex counselor, any kind of counselor.
Go talk to someone because chronic compulsory masturbation
can lead to some other outcomes.
It's not masturbation itself, right, but
the... Inability to know when enough is enough
when it comes to masturbation that can be a problem,
for one, it can lead to real physiological damage to your genitals.
Like, having that much stimulation that often can cause irritation,
it can cause rawness, it can cause loss of sensation.
So, there's some very real damage that can occur,
and then of course there is the damage to your relationships.
If you are not there for the people who need you.
There can be the damage to your wallet,
if you are spending money on porn or on cam girls, or cam people,
and you're spending money that you don't have, in order to feel this need.
Then it can have some real long-term damaging effects,
and on top of that, it can cause some mental hardship.
Feeling like you are not in control of yourself, losing your confidence.
Questioning what's going on with you.
There's no need to suffer alone.
You can get help. It's not uncommon.
So, that is the indicator. That's how you know if you are masturbating too much.
Is it getting in the way of other things?
Another way of knowing if you are masturbating too often
is if you are masturbating to avoid things.
So, I'll give you an example from my own life.
I get really aroused under high stress situations.
It's very inconvenient.
When I was in college, I was a perpetual college student. I was in college forever.
For more, I have a Master's degree and the better half of a PhD
and every time that final essays would come around,
I was kind of a mess.
Like, it would be very hard for me
to stay focused because I would just be so aroused.
Even when taking my finals I'd be like, on the edge of my chair,
literally like humping the edge of my chair
Just trying to finish cranking up this essay
so that I can go home and masturbate.
Not a great look, I will tell you that
I mean... I'm not literally experiencing any shame
or embarrassment around it, obviously I'll be able to tell you about it,
but at the time,
it was really confusing, really stressful,
and a source of great embarrassment for me.
I didn’t know that this happen to other people.
I really thought that I couldn't talk to any about it.
So, what did I do about it?
Well, most of the time, I just dealt with it on my own.
I would ran home and masturbate or self-pleasure
in between classes and I could manage it.
But there were times where I also felt like I was using it to avoid studying,
or using it to avoid preparing for a test.
There is a really great phrase that I love called "procrasturbate"
So great, combination of procrastination
and masturbation and that was definitely me.
Especially when I was an undergrad and things were really stressful,
and I didn't have the tools that I have today as at all to deal with them.
So, when I was trying to deal with the stress,
the pressure, the horniness, the arousal,
and not to mention, I didn't really love studying for this tests.
I might sometimes self-pleasure as a way of avoiding them.
I work with people who self-pleasure as a way of avoiding the stress at work.
Things get really stressful at work or they work from home,
or they are not having a great day, they get pissed off,
they start thinking a trail of thoughts that is very unpleasant.
They get upset over their ex or whatever,
and then they go masturbate to self-sooth.
There is nothing inherently wrong with this,
except for that masturbation is sort of like a drug.
Right, it gets the same rush. You get the rush of chemicals
and the feel good that comes after having an orgasm,
and that part can get a little bit addiction, sort of...
That part can get a little bit addictive sort of like taking a drug.
It can get addictive.
Now I'm not gonna get into the science of whether or not it's addiction,
yada yada, dopamine, chemicals, I suggest that It's not really important.
The important thing for you, for our conversation right now,
is are you leaning on masturbation like a drug?
Are you using it like a drug?
And not like a sacred tool for... Not like a tool for sexual self-satisfaction,
self-exploration, and creating pleasure in your life.
If it's not fitting into that category,
instead, you are using it mostly as a way of avoiding
your life, your responsibilities.
The things that you don't want to be doing,
then you might be masturbating too much,
you might wanna set some rules around masturbation.
So, I can only masturbate after 5 pm.
I can only masturbate after my homework is done.
I can only masturbate one time a day.
These might be rules that you stick to
and then you can decide for yourself if you wanna have a reward
or a punishment for not following the rule.
So, the reward might be I get to eat desert.
The punishment might be I don't get to eat desert next week.
It doesn't have to be something super formal.
It's just a matter of holding yourself accountable
and if you have a friend, or a counselor,
or someone who you are comfortable sharing this with,
you can ask them to hold you accountable.
Talk about your challenges, and why it is that you want to masturbate less,
and then say it would really work for me
if I checked in with you about this every week
and if you were in place to ask me hey, did you follow through?
Did you have integrity with the things that you said you were gonna do?
Really simple but really powerful way of making any kind of behavioral change.
By appreciating that, because masturbation is something we do in private.
That sometimes people feel a great amount of shame around it
and its not something that we talk to very regularly by other people.
It can be really hard to find that accountability.
You might feel like you are struggling with this question alone in isolation
and I promise you, you are not. You are not alone.
Many many many many of us go through this challenges
and it's absolutely possible for you to get through them with a little bit of help.
So, what's the right amount of masturbation for you?
Well, it's a combination of what feels good
and what moves you towards your goals.
So, for many of the men that I work with who have premature ejaculation,
I assign them to masturbate for a certain amount of time
and a certain number of times every week.
This is because masturbation is one of the best ways to cure premature ejaculation.
You can practice how you play, when you have solo sex,
make it how you want to have partner sex
by masturbating for at least 15 minutes etcetera etcetera.
Like keeping track of your arousal
so, knowing if you are on a scale from 1-10,
how close you are to ejaculating.
So, for my clients if they are only masturbating once a week,
then they are probably not putting in the
amount of practice that is required for them
to play well a.k.a last 15 plus minutes when they are having sex with a woman.
So, I require them, I ask them to masturbate at least every other day.
Now, for you that number might be right.
For a man who has delayed ejaculation,
and he actually has trouble reaching orgasm,
he might wanna masturbate only two times a week
and you might take into consideration how often you’re having sex with a partner.
Whether you have ED, or PE, or DE.
It matters that you consider your life circumstances
than the context and then you can adjust up and down.
One of the best ways to get to this point is by keeping track.
So, starting either a notebook or a phone,
note, or a spreadsheet that has the date that you masturbated, the time of day,
other factors, or other variables like, got into a fight earlier, had a great workout,
really stressed about school.
Like, what are some of the things that are going on in the context around your life
that might have an impact on your masturbation?
They really do have an impact, okay, I promise you,
and then you can make another column that say, how pleasurable it was.
If I reached orgasm, did I enjoy it? Like in a scale from 1-10.
Was it a really good strong pleasurable one, or was it like a less exciting one
that just kind of happened?
Knowing this in combination with the factors. The variables,
knowing that if you masturbate at night, with a full tummy,
after a not so stressful day, like on a Saturday when you weren't at work,
you are about to last 20 minutes,
verses on a Tuesday after you have your weekly meeting with your boss
where they berate you for your poor work
performance you are only able to last 7 minutes.
That's really good information.
Then, we can plan or you can plan
your masturbation schedule on routine
that works for you and gets you towards your goal.
So, it really is up to you.
Like, know your goals and your outcomes.
Know why you are masturbating
and have the mindfulness to know,
is it just that I'm bored, am I actually horny,
is it just because I saw something hot earlier this week
and I can't get it out of my mind and it's keeping me aroused.
Know why you are masturbating.
Keep data so that you know how often you are masturbating
and then keep clear of the story that you’ve
been told about masturbation.
That it's bad, that it's shameful, that it's ugly, that it's disgraceful.
It's none of those things, it's a really cool thing
that you are capable of doing to your body
and listen, we don't have enough pleasure in this world as it is.
I want you to experience as much pleasure as is humanly possible
and masturbation is one of the quickest,
easiest, cheapest, and most successful ways to get there.
If you have more questions about masturbation,
please leave them in the comments below
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Whether that's partner sex life or solo sex life.