LAST TIME ON JOURNEY TO THE WEST! Our heroes lost Tripitaka to the icy machinations of
an insidious weather-controlling demon, but the timely arrival of an uncharacteristically
unkempt Kuan Yin tipped the scales in their favor and revealed the demon’s true nature
as her beloved pet goldfish, a real thing that I swear happened. With Tripitaka rescued
once more, our heroes soon found themselves in deeper danger when a powerful mountain
demon captured all but Sun Wukong and disarmed the mighty monkey king with Lao Tzu’s diamond
snare. With the help of old friends and older enemies, the Monkey King was able to defeat
the demon, retrieve the stolen weapons and rescue his companions so they could once more
continue their… journey to the west!
So our heroes are trekking westward, the seasons are changing and the frigid chill of winter
has given way to the pleasant florals of early spring. And all things considered, this leg
of the trip has been surprisingly uneventful! No demons, no bandits, no kidnappings - just
a nice, pleasant, scenic filler arc. But our heroes face sudden adversity when the way
is barred by a small, clear, freshwater brook. HOW will our heroes POSSIBLY overcome these
insurmountable odds?! Fortunately this peaceful little brook comes
with a scenic little boat that can take them across. But we can’t be too careful! Maybe
the boatman is evil! Nope, as it turns out the boatman is a friendly old boatwoman who’s
more than happy to take them across the river with absolutely no nefariousness or kidnappings
involved. Monkey is a little confused as to why a woman is doing what is typically a man’s
job, which the boatwoman finds funny but doesn’t explain.
So the gang crosses the river without incident, pays the ferrywoman and prepares to move on
- but first, oh no! Horror of horrors! Tripitaka is… thirsty! So he has Pigsy get some of
that tasty riverwater for him. Now, PSA: drinking riverwater is typically a bad idea, since
untreated water can make you sick, and sure enough, within a few minutes, Tripitaka and
Pigsy both start feeling pretty lousy. The gang spot a village in the distance and hoof
it over there to look for help, and Monkey flags down an old lady to ask her for medicine
for his riverwater-drinkin’ buddies and their sore tum-tums. Unexpectedly, the old
lady’s like- “H-hold on, hold on. Your men drank the
RIVER water? From that river?” “Yyyyyes?”
“And they’re… both men?” “Last time I checked.”
“Oh, the girls are gonna love this.” Instead of helping, a whole crowd of women
forms to spectate Tripitaka and Pigsy’s strange affliction, all of whom seem to find
this situation utterly hilarious. Monkey’s usually a big fan of schadenfreude and shenanigans,
but even he’s got his limits, and he grabs the old lady and demands an explanation. The
old woman tells him that the boys have arrived at the outskirts of the western kingdom of
women, an entire empire populated solely by women. Women do all the jobs, and fill every
social and political role, they’re ruled by an empress instead of an emperor, and beCAUSE
there are no men, when a woman wants to have a child, she doesn’t go about this the traditional
way. Instead, she drinks from the Child-And-Mother stream, a magical river that makes anyone
who drinks from it pregnant. And where exactly is the Child-And-Mother stream located? Oh,
you know, about twenty feet that way. THAT’S why the ladies think Tripitaka and Pigsy’s
situation is so hilarious, and Monkey is fully inclined to agree. Tripitaka and Pigsy are,
of course, very distraught, especially Pigsy, but Sandy gently cautions him that stress
will hurt the baby. Tripitaka is obviously emotionally unprepared
to be a single parent, and, more importantly, literally physically can’t do it, and asks
if there’s any way for them to get unpregnant, and the woman tells them there’s no over-the-counter
option that’ll work on Magic River Pregnancies, but there is a way - they just need to go
to Male-Undoing Mountain, enter the Child-Destruction Cave and drink the magic water from the Baby-B-Gone
stream. However, this isn’t as easy as it sounds, and it doesn’t sound all that easy.
See, it’s recently gotten a lot harder to access this stream, because a taoist called
the True Immortal Compliant has taken over the mountain and now controls the water, and
has been charging the women exorbitant prices for the tiniest glass of the stuff. There’s
no way a bunch of mendicant monks will be able to front the copay.
This would be a big problem if Monkey was planning on paying for anything, ever, in
his entire life. He leaves Sandy in charge and flies off to Male-Undoing Mountain to
scope out the sitch. He runs into a taoist disciple who tells him there’s no way his
master will give him the water for free, and Monkey suggests he tell his master that Sun
Wukong is here to see if he changes his mind. This does in fact change his mind, but probably
not in the direction Monkey wanted. As it turns out, the immortal is the older brother
of the bull demon king and the uncle to Red Boy, and he’s not too pleased about how
Monkey got his precious nephew in trouble with the bureaucracy of heaven. You know how
this song and dance goes - the immortal pulls out a weapon, in this case a gnarly hook,
and they fight for a little while until Monkey starts winning and the immortal retreats back
to the well. Now while the immortal can’t beat monkey, he is frustratingly good at keeping
him away from the water, and in the ensuing scrap, monkey ends up fumbling the bucket
and dropping it down the well. With no way to get the water now, Monkey heads back to
the group to figure out a plan B. So Monkey’s new plan is that he’ll distract
the immortal while Sandy goes and gets the water. This plan does require leaving Tripitaka
and Pigsy in the care of the old woman and her family, but she’s pretty cool about
it and promises not to hurt them. Monkey’s like “look… no offense intended, but I
kind of don’t think you’re capable of hurting… literally any of us,” and she’s
like “Oh, is that how you think this place works? Listen, son, you’re all just lucky
we’re all too old to be interested in men anymore. If the young ladies around here had
found you, you’d be having a much harder time going anywhere.”
With that tasty little bit of foreshadowing dropped, Monkey and Sandy head back to the
mountain and Monkey taunts the immortal to lure him out. The disciple hypes the immortal
up and tells him Monkey doesn’t stand a chance of beating him, and with that optimistic
forecast ringing in his ears, the immortal goes out to fight. While monkey keeps him
busy, Sandy heads for the well with a brand new bucket, and when the disciple tries to
block the way, Sandy breaks his arm. Hey, it was the… nicer option than killing him!
He’s reformed, remember? Sandy gets the water without much trouble
and calls for Monkey, who stops pretending like this is anywhere near a fair fight and
blocks the immortal’s hook. Since the immortal hasn’t really done anything wrong except
blackmailing an entire community of women by holding their reproductive rights hostage
cough cough and Monkey still has respect for his brother the Bull Demon King, he just gives
him a very stern warning to stop blackmailing people for the water and turns to leave. Obviously
the immortal’s none too pleased about this and goes for a backstab, so Monkey sweeps
the leg, grabs his hook and snaps it in half. Thoroughly cowed, the immortal gives up, and
Monkey and Sandy head back. Tripitaka and Pigsy drink the water and, one very alarming
bowel movement later, are declared fully pregnancy-free. They leave the rest of the water with the
old lady who helped them, who says this precious commodity will help cover the cost of her
funeral, and with that delightful business sorted out, our heroes are all set to continue
their journey to the west, though I can’t imagine Tripitaka’s too happy with the concept
of riding a horse right now. Sandy cautions them to take it easy since new mothers are
very delicate, officially confirming his status as the funniest person alive.
So the gang continues westward and eventually reach a massive city, evidently the capital
of the Kingdom of Women. Tripitaka tells the gang to be on their best behavior and to control
themselves, which turns out to be a bit of a misread, since the minute they walk through
the gates, they’re swarmed by a mob of young women who’ve heard about this “men”
thing and are very curious to learn more. Monkey has Pigsy scare them off with his gross
monster-face, but even that doesn’t dissuade them completely, since Tripitaka is evidently
a very pretty man. Monkey and Sandy crank up the scare factor too, which, let’s be
honest, can’t possibly work on all of these ladies - but it keeps the mob off them enough
for them to make it through to a city official, who guides them to a reception house and tells
them they’ll need to be announced to the throne and have their papers certified before
they’re allowed through the city. The gang is served a nice hot meal by a houseful of
beautiful women, and meanwhile the official legs it back to the palace to tell the queen
what’s going on. Now the queen is very happy to hear about
these visitors in her fine city, because she happens to know that Tripitaka is basically
blood-brothers with the T’ang Emperor, and if she wants to consolidate her power and
guarantee the continuation of her family line, she can do that very effectively by marrying
Tripitaka. The official tells her that, while Tripitaka is indeed a legit snack, his three
disciples are a lot more spicy. The queen doesn’t mind letting the disciples continue
their journey westward, but their oh-so-juicy master will be staying with her. While the
queen gets a matchmaker on the horn, the official heads back to give Tripitaka the good news.
Speaking of whom, Tripitaka and the gang are enjoying their meal when they hear that the
Grand Preceptor wants a word with them, which has Tripitaka a little confused until Monkey
nonchalantly says the queen probably wants to marry him. Tripitaka unsurprisingly panics,
but Monkey tells him that if marriage is on the table, Tripitaka should say yes and then
let Monkey handle everything. Sure enough, the preceptor heads in with the queen’s
proposal, offering to make Tripitaka the queen’s royal consort with the entire wealth of their
kingdom as his dowry. The disciples will obviously be allowed to continue the journey and get
to the Thunderclap Monastery on their own time, which means this technically wouldn’t
even mean giving up the quest. Tripitaka is dead silent, but Pigsy announces that there’s
no WAY Tripitaka would ever agree to that, which is why the queen should ask him instead!
Tripitaka asks Monkey what he thinks and Monkey’s like “honestly dude it sounds like a pretty
sweet deal.” The preceptor heads off to make the arrangements and Tripitaka immediately
grabs monkey by the lapels and asks him what the hell he thinks he’s doing! Tripitaka
can’t get married, he’s a buddhist monk! A really, really devoted one! This is terrible!
Monkey tells him to chill out and points out that turning the queen down flat was never
going to work out well for them. The people of this kingdom are humans. Innocent ones.
If they had to fight them, they’d obviously win, but they’d be killing innocent people
in the process, something Tripitaka has historically frowned upon. Tripitaka admits he didn’t
think of that, and Monkey lays out his cunning alternative plan - a husband heist. They’re
gonna go through with the wedding, throw a huge banquet, get all their paperwork in order,
and then when Tripitaka tearfully sees them off at the edge of the city, Monkey will use
his magic to freeze everyone for a whole day while they book it off into the sunset. Not
a bad plan, all things considered! Meanwhile the Queen hears her proposal’s
been accepted and piles into her royal carriage to meet her future beau. She finds Tripitaka
just as pretty as she’d hoped for despite him being too flustered to speak, and she
invites him into the carriage to head for the wedding hall. Tripitaka pretends to be
totally cool with this even though all he wants is to be a good buddhist and get some
scriptures dang it So the gang head for the wedding hall and
enjoy the beautiful and ornate wedding party, and at Tripitaka’s request, the queen recertifies
their paperwork and agrees to wait until tomorrow to officially put him on the throne.
The wedding party wraps up and the plan rolls into its final stages. Tripitaka politely
asks if he can see his disciples off one final time and the queen obviously agrees, and they
pile into the chariot to see them off at the edge of town, followed by a massive mob of
beautiful young women. When Tripitaka steps out of the carriage to say his goodbyes, he
drops the pretenses and very gently asks the queen to let him continue on his journey.
The queen is very upset about him “suddenly” changing his mind, but Pigsy scares her back,
and it looks like the gang is going to manage to leave without anything worse than a broken
heart - until a girl sprints out of the crowd, tells Tripitaka he should try boning her instead,
grabs him and vanishes in a cyclone. “FINALLY, a demon showed up! I was starting
to get worried!” Monkey freaks out and blasts off to look for
Tripitaka, which has the unexpected side effect of giving the queen closure, since she didn’t
realize these monks could, like, fly and stuff. Her officials conclude that Tripitaka and
his disciples were so dang buddhist that her marriage scheme was never going to break his
iron will, and the queen and her court head back to the palace, dejected but recovering,
and meanwhile the gang chase the cyclone until it disappears into a standard-issue demon
mountain lair. Pigsy wants to kick in the door, but Monkey wants to scout first to make
sure it’s the right door, so he turns into a bee and sneaks in. He finds a surprisingly
beautiful flower field with a female demon chilling in it, attended by young women serving
her a pleasant meal of red bean buns and also human flesh buns. The attendants also bring
in Tripitaka, and the demoness pleasantly offers him a bun. Tripitaka is very aware
that this situation is a lot more dangerous than his last unwilling marriage, so he plays
it safe and politely turns down the human bun on the grounds that he’s vegetarian,
but accepts the red bean bun and makes polite conversation while he waits for the gang to
come rescue him. The demoness makes some very inappropriate jokes that Tripitaka is too
much of a soft boi to get, but Monkey is infuriated by her lascivious puns and attacks. The attendants
bundle Tripitaka away while the demoness whips out a trident and clashes with Monkey. They
battle ends up taking them straight out the door and down the mountain, at which point
Sandy and Pigsy both join in, which unexpectedly does not help, as the demoness whips out two
more tridents and boasts that, while Monkey might not recognize her, the Buddha himself
knows and fears her. With that, she jumps into the air and stabs down with something
Monkey can’t quite make out because he’s a little too distracted by the horrible blinding
pain. With Monkey incapacitated, the fight turns very quickly and the gang books it,
while the demoness heads back into the mountain for the night.
Monkey has no idea what she hit him with that could’ve actually hurt him, because his
skull turned indestructible about three immortalities ago, but whatever it was, he’s in no position
to fight, so they rest for the night and hope they can figure something out in the morning.
Meanwhile, the demoness sets her sights on seducing Tripitaka, which, as previously established,
is a losing battle even in ideal circumstances. Tripitaka politely but firmly turns her down
for hours before she snaps and has her minions tie him up and get him out of her sight.
The next morning, Monkey’s feeling way better, so he sneaks into the cave to see how Tripitaka’s
doing, finding him very disgruntled but thoroughly un-boned. Tripitaka accidentally wakes up
the demoness by loudly declaring that Monkey needs to rescue him right this minute because
he’s totally uninterested in boning anyone and the only thing he cares about is getting
those scriptures. That means it’s about fight-o-clock, so Monkey zips out of the cave
and Pigsy smashes the door in. They fight for a while before the demoness whacks Pigsy
in the face with that mysterious weapon and puts him out of commission. She heads back
inside to stew while Monkey and Sandy try and figure out their next move. They’re
not having much luck fighting the demon because they’re not even sure what she really is.
But luckily, Monkey spots an unassuming old lady nearby who’s positively radiant with
auspicious light and realizes Kuan Yin must’ve gotten impatient and come by to see what the
holdup was. Kuan Yin reveals herself and explains that the demoness is actually a scorpion - the
tridents she uses are her claws, and the mysterious weapon that keeps taking them out is her stinger
tail loaded with a seriously potent poison. She used to listen in on Buddha’s lectures
until one day she got snippy, stung his hand and ran - hence why even the Buddha fears
her. Kuan Yin also says she can’t help them directly but she knows who can, and points
Monkey in the direction of Star Lord Mao, the spirit of one of the 28 lunar mansions
corresponding to the Pleiades. Kuan Yin peaces out and Monkey zips up to heaven to track
down Star Lord Mao, bouncing around a bit before he eventually finds him. Monkey explains
the situation and Star Lord Mao declares there’s no time to waste on pleasantries, and they
book it back to the mountain. Star Lord Mao magically cures the lingering effects of the
scorpion demon’s poison, so Monkey and Pigsy are back in fighting form and smash down the
door again to lure out the demoness, which is when Star Lord Mao reveals his true form
in all his divine glory - as a seven-foot chicken.
Huh. Star Lord Mao, now a chicken, crows twice,
transforming the demoness back to her true scorpion form and paralyzing her, which lets
Pigsy kill her without too much trouble. Star Lord Mao beams back up to heaven and the gang
traipse into the cave to rescue Tripitaka - and the demon’s attendants, who it turns
out were all kidnapped girls from the Kingdom of Women. They return the kidnapped women
to their homes before getting back on the road and setting off once more on their……
journey to the west.
Our heroes have overcome another obstacle, but the way is only getting more treacherous!
Will the Monkey King’s strength be enough to protect Tripitaka from what lies ahead?
Find out next time on journey to the west!