OHIO OH!
WHAT A NIGHT.
TODAY, THE PRESIDENT ROLLED BACK SOME OF HIS ADMINISTRATION'S
CRUEL CHILD-DETENTION POLICIES.
BUT THE ORIGINAL PLAN TO LOCK UP KIDS CAME FROM WHITE HOUSE
SENIOR ADVISER AND MAN WITH A 32-YEAR "NO EYE CONTACT" STREAK,
STEPHEN MILLER.
MILLER IS ONE OF THE PRESIDENT'S HARSHEST ADVISERS.
HERE HE IS LAST YEAR DEFENDING TRUMP'S ANTI-MUSLIM TRAVEL BAN,
WHICH HE HELPED DRAFT.
>> THE WHOLE WORLD WILL SOON SEE, AS WE BEGIN TO TAKE FURTHER
ACTIONS, THAT THE POWERS OF THE PRESIDENT TO PROTECT OUR COUNTRY
ARE VERY SUBSTANTIAL AND WILL NOT BE QUESTIONED.
>> Stephen: WELL, IF I CAN'T QUESTION THE PRESIDENT, I HAVE A
QUESTION FOR STEPHEN MILLER: WHY SHOULD I TAKE ORDERS FROM A
DEAD-EYED, BALD 12-YEAR-OLD?
( LAUGHTER ) AND MILLER WASN'T SHY ABOUT
SPEAKING UP IN FAVOR OF BABY CAGES.
HE TOLD "THE NEW YORK TIMES," "NO NATION CAN HAVE THE POLICY
THAT WHOLE CLASSES OF PEOPLE ARE IMMUNE FROM IMMIGRATION LAW OR
ENFORCEMENT."
BY "WHOLE CLASSES OF PEOPLE," HE MEANS CHILDREN, THOUGH I HAVE A
FEELING THAT WHEN MILLER WAS A CHILD, HE HAD TROUBLE MAKING
FRIENDS WITH WHOLE CLASSES OF PEOPLE.
( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, MILLER SAW THE SAME
HEARTBREAKING IMAGES EVERYONE ELSE DID.
BUT ACCORDING TO ONE WHITE HOUSE ADVISER, HE HAD A UNIQUE
REACTION: "STEPHEN ACTUALLY ENJOYS SEEING THOSE PICTURES AT
THE BORDER.
HE'S A TWISTED GUY, THE WAY HE WAS RAISED AND PICKED ON."
I HEARD THAT ONE BULLY EVEN CORNERED MILLER IN THE HALL,
CALLED HIM AN UGLY FREAK, AND TOOK ALL HIS LUNCH MONEY.
AND IT WAS LAST WEEK, AND IT WAS DONALD TRUMP.
( APPLAUSE ) "GIVE ME THE MONEY, STEVE, GIVE
ME THE MONEY."
AND CHILD SEPARATION MAY BE ON HOLD, BUT MILLER'S ALREADY
PLANNING HIS NEXT DRACONIAN MOVE, BECAUSE "STEPHEN MILLER
AND A TEAM HAVE BEEN QUIETLY MEETING FOR MONTHS, PLANNING
ADDITIONAL CRACKDOWNS ON IMMIGRATION."
WELL, HERE TO TELL US WHAT MIGHT BE NEXT IS WHITE HOUSE SENIOR
ADVISOR, STEPHEN MILLER.
STEPHEN MILLER, EVERYBODY.
MR. MILLER, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THANK YOU.
YES MR. MILLER, THANK YOU FOR
JOINING TO ME TODAY.
I KNOW THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE WHO'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT
NOW.
>> YES, STEPHEN.
A LOT OF PEOPLE WANT TO TALK.
TO ME.
THE FEELING IS VERY FOREIGN, SO FOREIGN THAT I WANT TO DEPORT
IT AND CAPTURE ITS CHILDREN.
>> Stephen: NOW, I UNDERSTAND YOU WERE A STRONG ADVOCATE FOR
THE CHILD DETENTION POLICY.
WERE YOU HAPPY WITH THE RESULTS?
>> OH, YES, STEPHEN.
THIS IS MY HAPPY FACE.
( LAUGHTER ) STEPHEN, AS OF JUNE 9, WE
DETAINED 2,342 CHILDREN, TAKEN FROM 2,206 PARENTS, MEANING 136
OF THOSE PARENTS HAD MORE THAN ONE CHILD.
WHICH, PERSONALLY, I DON'T UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE MY PARENTS
SWORE AN OATH NEVER TO REPRODUCE AGAIN AFTER THEY HAD ME.
>> Stephen: I THOUGHT YOU HAD A YOUNGER BROTHER.
>> HE TELLS EVERYONE WE'RE NOT RELATED.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THERE WAS A HUGE
PUBLIC OUTCRY AGAINST THIS POLICY.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY SYMPATHY FOR THESE KIDS?
>> YES, OF COURSE, I DO, STEPHEN.
AT FIRST, I FELT SYMPATHY ATTEMPTING TO JUMP THE BORDER OF
MY HEART.
SO I USED A DETERRENT: I CUT OFF MY PINKY, THE CHILD OF THE HAND.
I HAVE DETAINED IT IN A SPECIMEN JAR WITH MY SNAKE REMAINS.
>> Stephen: SO WHAT ABOUT THE REPORTS THAT YOU ACTUALLY
ENJOYED SEEING ALL THE PHOTOS FROM THE DETENTION CENTERS?
>> STEPHEN, THAT IS A GROSS EXAGGERATION.
I DON'T ENJOY ALL OF THE PHOTOS-- FOR EXAMPLE, THE ONES
IN WHICH THE CHILDREN ARE SMILING.
>> Stephen: THAT IS HORRIBLE.
AND YET, YOU AND YOUR TEAM ARE THINKING OF EVEN HARSHER
MEASURES?
>> YES, INDEED, WE ARE, STEPHEN.
IN FACT, I BROUGHT MY TEAM WITH ME HERE TODAY.
LET ME SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE.
WE PERFORM MANY POLICY EXPERIMENTS TOGETHER.
THIS IS BENITO, FRANCISCO, POL POT, GENGHIS, AND THIS LITTLE
GUY IN THE CORNER IS LITTLE JERRY SEINFELD.
>> Stephen: YOU NAMED ONE AFTER SEINFELD?
>> OH, OF COURSE.
I FIND HIS OBSERVATIONS ABOUT HUMAN SOCIAL BEHAVIOR VERY
HELPFUL.
WHY ARE THEY CALLED GRAPE NUTS?
THEY'RE NEITHER GRAPES NOR NUTS.
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: THAT'S A FAIR
QUESTION.
BUT ARE YOU REALLY WORKING ON HARSHER IMMIGRATION TECHNIQUES?
WHAT COULD BE HARSHER THAN PUTTING KIDS IN A CAGE?
>> PUTTING ONE KID IN MANY CAGES.
I'M JUST JOKING, OF COURSE, STEPHEN, JUST LIKE SEINFELD.
WHAT IS THE DEAL?
( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: LOOK, YOUR POLICIES
RIPPED APART FAMILIES AND CAUSED IRREPARABLE DAMAGE AND,
HONESTLY, I CAN'T TELL, DO YOU FEEL BAD OR PROUD?
>> NO.
>> Stephen: NO TO WHICH ONE?
>> "FEEL."
>> Stephen: STEPHEN MILLER, EVERYBODY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TREVOR NOAH.