Welcome to The Ellen Show.
I am your guest host, Chelsea Handler.
[APPLAUSE]
I'm just like Ellen if Ellen had sex with men.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm very excited to be here as I said earlier.
And I want you to know I promise that you are in good hands.
Not to brag, but I have hosted a few of my own shows.
So I know how this works.
The only real difference is that this is daytime,
so I can't say [MUTED] or [MUTED]..
[LAUGHTER]
I also happen to be a stand-up comic.
Last year, I shot my first special in six years.
It's called Evolution.
[APPLAUSE]
It's a tale of a girl who finds everybody annoying and then
blossoms into a woman who still finds everybody annoying.
I want to set this up just in case there's someone who's
watching this and has no idea who I am.
A little context.
I've tried a lot of drugs.
I want to say, all of them.
[LAUGHTER]
So I consider myself a type of pharmacological intuit.
I can tell just by looking at you
and talking to you for 5 minutes what drug you
are going to respond to.
Watch this.
A lot of people know this about me.
Like my sister-- she had trouble making speeches at work
because she would get dry mouth.
So I prescribed her propranolol.
That's a beta-blocker.
I said take one 30 minutes before you speak publicly.
She's been promoted twice.
[LAUGHTER]
OK, it's time for us to get started.
Now, obviously, you need to know that I'm not a doctor.
I didn't go to medical school.
We need to be very clear about that for legal reasons.
You know who you are.
I'm very good at giving advice.
And I really do like helping people.
So I thought I'd use my intuitive powers to help some
of our audience members today.
Thank you.
OK, first, we have Arton.
Oh, that's a nice name.
Arton?
Where's Arton?
Yeah.
Here I am.
Hi.
Hi, how are you?
I have a question.
I'm very sensitive to people who make loud noises
with their mouths when eating.
What can I do?
Oh, I know what you mean.
I can totally relate to loud noises when eating.
It's gross.
I broke up with a boyfriend once because he
used to dip the tortilla chips into salsa but way too
much salsa ratio for the tortilla chip.
And I couldn't take it anymore.
His name was Ted Harbert.
[LAUGHTER]
So what I would recommend for you-- do you have headphones?
Or a Bose headset?
Or something?
Just slap those on and keep them on.
[INTERPOSING VOICES]
OK, thanks.
Thank you.
No problem.
OK, where's Laurie?
Laurie Winter?
I'm here.
Hello.
Hi, Laurie.
Hi.
OK, what can I help you with today?
My neighbor gets mad at me because she
thinks I don't pick up after my dog, but I do.
So how would you handle that?
Are you sure that you're cleaning up after your dog?
Yes, I am.
Because I was accused of that once.
Then, I realized, oh, it's because I wasn't cleaning up
after my dog.
But I thought I had been.
No, I am.
OK, well you are.
So I don't know.
I guess move.
[LAUGHTER]
Sounds good.
It's nice talking to you.
You too.
OK, where's Alina?
Alina?
Here, Chelsea.
Hi, Alina.
How are you doing?
Hello.
Great.
OK.
How can I help you today?
So I just moved into a new apartment with my wife,
and we can hear every single detail
of what's happening above us.
That includes having sex.
What do I do?
Honestly, a lot of people pay good money for that.
You could pretend it's not your neighbors.
And put on some devices and just pretend that it is porn.
And enjoy yourselves and not be such a hard-ass about it.
Or you could just turn off all your appliances,
so there's no background noise.
And put a cup up to the wall.
And you'll hear it even better.
I hope that helps.
And if it didn't, remember that I'm not a doctor.
[LAUGHTER]
And actually, quite frankly, neither is Dr. Oz or Dr. Phil.
We're just people on TV.
[LAUGHTER]