- [Cady] See that fish-out-of-water girl?
That's me, Cady.
I'm 16, and it's my first official day of public school.
I- - Could you sit down?
I know you're the new student, but that don't mean
you're gonna be up in here disturbing my class.
- Oh, I wasn't-
- Sit.
- Yes, Ms. Carey.
- Are you a singer?
- I, I can sing a little.
- Can you do this?
(vocalizing)
- Um.
(giggles)
- Ignore Britney. She's a show off.
I'm nothing like that.
- Okay. I'm Cady, what's your-
♪ My name ain't no question ♪
♪ This school is my profession ♪
♪ But when I graduate ♪
♪ I will be queen of this state ♪
- I'm Nicki Minaj.
- [Cady] Nicki and Britney are different, but so am I.
Plus, I desperately need friends.
- So why did your parents enroll you in public school?
- I guess they were afraid
I was becoming an antisocial freak.
- I could see that.
- Oh, God. It's those bitches.
- Who?
- The Kardasims.
(upbeat rap music)
- That small one is Kourtney.
She cares about nothing.
- [Coach] Kourtney, toss the ball!
- No.
- [Coach] Okay, good effort.
- She has straight As,
and she hasn't done an assignment since kindergarten.
- The blonde one is Khloe.
She knows all the school's gossip.
(boy grunts)
I heard she even has booty hole pictures for blackmail.
- That's why her ass is so big, it's full of secrets.
- And then there's Kim.
She's the leader of the evil sisters.
- How can De Nicki Minaj describe Kim?
- Kim Kardasim once sat on me,
and she broke three of my ribs.
- She invented "Bootylicious".
- She once filled my bathtub with snakes.
- I heard her ass is insured for 2.5 million.
- She once called me what's-his-face, and I'm her brother.
- Over here!
- [Kim] Aren't you the new girl?
(curious music)
- Um, yeah. I'm Cady.
- Your name starts with a K, like ours.
- That means you can sit with us.
- Actually, my name starts with-
- Love that!
Sit.
- Hey! What the hell?
- So what school did you go to before this?
- I was homeschooled in Africa.
- What?
- I was homeschooled.
- What is that?
- It's where you have school at home.
- If you have school at home,
then what do you call your homework?
- Homework.
- That's so watermelon.
- [Kim] What?
- It's a new phrase, I'm trying it out.
- Never try it again.
- You're so not watermelon.
- So Cady-with-a-K.
- That's not how it's-
- You're gonna sit with us for lunch every day
for the rest of the week.
- And if you don't wear pink on Wednesdays, you're stupid.
- You're lucky me and Britney are your friends,
so we'll forget about you ditching us at that lunch.
- Thanks.
- We trashed your locker.
- What?
- It's okay. We forgive you. (giggles)
- Listen, you need to get all the dirt you can on Kim.
- Oh, okay.
But why?
- Because I said so!
I mean, because it'll be fun!
- High school is really, really weird,
but I found one highlight of the day.
(gentle music)
His name is Aaron.
- Hey, do you have a pencil I can borrow?
- It's October 3rd.
Oops, wrong meme.
- Okay.
- [Cady] Aaron is so perfect.
He's everything I-
- [Mariah] Excuse me?
Could you focus on my lesson and shut the (beeps) up?
- [Cady] You can hear me?
- [Mariah] Yes, I can hear you.
- [Cady] How are you doing that?
- [Mariah] I can do everything.
- [Simgm] I bet Cady wishes could disappear,
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And now back to the video.
- I just want it to be bigger.
- Want what to be bigger?
- Her ass.
- Duh.
- Like, I want it spilling over the edge of my chair.
- To do that, you'd have to know the surface area
of every chair you sit in,
which would require multiplying its height by its width
and doubling- - Great.
I'm gonna get cheese fries.
(people chattering)
- So, do you like any guys from your classes?
- Well, there's this one guy
in my Calculus class, Aaron Samuels.
- No. - No!
- What? - No.
- Wait, why no?
- That's Kim ex-boyfriend.
They dated for 72 days.
- So in love.
- Aaron is off limits.
- Off limits. Okay.
- I'm gonna tell Kim you like him.
- What?
- Kidding. (laughing)
(Cady chuckles)
(gasps) Or am I?
(Cady gulps)
(bright music)
- [Cady] I know Kourtney and Khloe
said Aaron was off limits,
but I can't help it.
He's too gorgeous not to stalk.
I mean, watch.
Besides, there's no harm in-
(car tires screech) (Cady shrieks)
(horn honks)
- Get in, loser. We're going shopping.
- Wait. Where'd she go?
- I think we hit her.
- [Cady] I'm okay.
- Oh my God. Get in the car.
- She's so lazy.
- I'm home.
Hi, Kylie.
- Hey.
- Come on. Let's get out of here before-
- Hi, Kimmy!
Oh, I love seeing my three lovely daughters all together.
- Mom, please.
- And who's this? A new friend joining our group?
- You're not part of our group. Stop.
- My name's Cady.
- With a K.
- That's perfect! She's just like us.
Isn't she, girls?
- Shut up.
My skin is so greasy.
- I'm too perfect.
- My lashes aren't thick enough.
(upbeat rock music)
- Oh, um.
One time, fart was so bad, it made a small child pass out.
- The (beeps) is wrong with you?
- I've brought a little treat for my besties.
- Does this have alcohol?
- Of course!
So what's up with the tea?
Who's shading and grabbing wigs?
- Get out.
- Okay. Love you.
- Hey, look. It's our Burn Book.
- Burn Book?
- It's where we talk crap about some girls at school.
- Billie licked dirty jewelry during lunch.
- Nicki has a smaller ass than Kim!
- We didn't write anything for Britney.
- She's such a show off.
- Oh my God, yes!
We're gonna put that in the book and sign your name.
- Oh (beeps).
(phone rings)
Hello?
- Khloe told me you like Aaron Samuels.
- What? No, I-
- It's fine. I'm so over Aaron.
And I'll even talk to him for you at the Halloween party.
- Wow. Thank you.
- Aren't you mad at Khloe though for telling me?
Like, don't you think she's a stupid bitch?
- I guess so.
- You're the stupid bitch,
you stupid bitch.
- Bye!
- [Cady] Well, that was awkward.
This was it.
Kim's putting in a good word for me to Aaron.
Okay, not a part of the plan,
but maybe it's just a kiss goodbye.
(ominous music)
What the (beeps) is going on?
- You have to get revenge.
Prove that you are stronger than yesterday.
(bell dings)
- So what do I do?
- You go after three things:
booty,
boy-toy,
and her sisters.
Kim won't know what hit her.
Uh.
- I have Candy Cane Grams.
One for Taylor, four for Beyonce, a true queen,
and one for a Lindsey?
- I think you mean Cady?
- Oh yes. One for you, Cady.
I believe it's from Kim.
- What about me?
- Nothing for you.
Your sister doesn't love you and you'll probably die alone.
Merry Christmas, y'all.
- This must be a mistake.
What does that gram say?
- You're like a sister to me, Kim.
Isn't that sweet?
(mysterious music)
These Glow Glow Glow Weight Gain Bars
will give you the ass you've always wanted and more.
- That's exactly what I need.
- [Cady] Except it wasn't.
These bars made you lose ass weight, not gain it.
They were recalled for false advertising in Africa.
Everything was going according to plan.
I even got Aaron to dump Kim.
- [Kim] I just don't understand why he broke up with me!
- [Khloe] You cheated.
- [Kim] Yeah, but like, that's not a reason to do that.
(Kim sobs)
- Don't you feel like your time is wasted on your sisters?
- Yeah. They're beneath me.
- Exactly. What are some of your talents?
Any skill sets? Goals?
Doesn't matter. You're so much better.
- I know.
(sneaky music)
- Are you sure about these Glow Glow Glow Bars?
- Totally.
So what were you saying about Kourtney?
- That she's the least interesting to look at.
And Khloe, she would be nowhere without me.
I've got to go.
(phone button beeps)
- Well, that was harsh.
- That bitch.
- How dare she speak about me like that.
Kim!
(phone button beeps)
- [Cady] And just like that, I was queen bee, until-
- You little (beeps)!
De Nicki Minaj had a rap show,
and you were no where in sight!
- Only two people showed. And this is very dangerous.
- [Nicki] Shut up!
- I'm so sorry. I can explain.
- (beeps) Your explanation!
You're just like those Kardasims.
- Okay. I'm gonna stop.
(Nicki moans)
- [Cady] As if that wasn't bad enough,
the Burn Book got out the next day,
and the whole school was reading it.
Chaos broke out.
Ms. Carey had to hold an assembly with all the girls
to calm things down.
- Listen, school gets out in five minutes,
and I got a pedicure I am not missing.
If you got something you want to get off your chest,
do it now.
(curious music)
- I just wanted to say, don't knock licking dirty jewelry
till you've tried it.
- Okay.
Anyone else?
- My ass is bigger than Kim's!
- All right, who else?
- I have something to say.
Kim leaked the Burn Book.
- The Burn Book was completely her idea,
and Cady has shown us the light.
- Okay, was not expecting them
to throw her under the bus like that.
I sort of feel bad.
Kim, wait!
- You have ruined my life!
- I didn't mean to.
- You're such a liar.
I knew you were jealous of me, but this is a new high.
- Kim. I never meant for-
I died.
- Shout out to our channel member, Multicolored Man.
♪ Sim ♪
♪ Gm ♪
♪ Productions ♪