Are you wondering what to do when your child throws a tantrum? Well, stick with
us. We're going to see if we can help you with that. -I think the very best thing
you can do I'll just put this out right at the front is to be okay with the
tantrum. -But that is a hard one you are asking for. -That and that's why kids do
it sometimes because it's such a powerful stimulus for parents to react.
And oftentimes there's a secondary gain involved too. So they'll throw a
tantrum and they get something from it. But at a very developmental
level. Let's just go there. -Okay. -Young children (especially) have a very
difficult time regulating their emotion. Containing their affect. And this is
important to understand because sometimes they can't even help it it
just blah! It just kind of bursts out. -Right. -it's not that they're being able
or they're trying to manipulate you. Sometimes it can develop...
-It kind of starts out just as an emotional override. -Right. -and then
depending on how you react, it can become a manipulative tool. So, we want to go
back and talk about how are we going to react. So, you were saying, "What? just..." -Be
okay with it. -That's a hard one. Especially in the grocery store. -Yes. Or
in a place that's awkward or uncomfortable. And that's where it's
going to happen to. Understanding child development helps you to know that when
young children are overwhelmed with affect, it's going to bubble out in ways
that are sometimes uncomfortable or awkward or something that you wouldn't
do as an adult ever. But it's typical for children. So, when I say be okay with the
tantrum, I'm not saying you have to enjoy it or that you have to... You know, think
that this is the right thing for your child to do. Just understand it's part of
typical development. And be ready for that to happen as part of a normal
course of development. This puts you in a positive powerful position as a parent.
Because now you're calm. See, we're not going to let it tip us over. Yes, they're
out of control. But we're cool. -Yeah. And I think a lot of
the times kind of monitor what your feelings are. If you're frustrated, go
back to what your thought is that is kind of bringing on that emotion.
Because you might realize you know, you're thinking that his tantrum is
saying something about you as a parent. When really all his tantrum is about is
that he's 2 and he's out of control. Or you know what? There... I have seen
some... I've seen the third and fourth grader throw a tantrum before. Well it
doesn't mean anything about the parent. -Yeah. -It's just saying: Okay this child
this person right now is having a tantrum. That's just kind of what's going
on. -Not about you. -Right. And so you can just keep in control of what your
thoughts are to the reaction and try to stay as calm as possible and to kind of
model that. Now, one of the things as you're being called to the child. You
want to model a calm voice. And you can say to the child, "I want... But I'll talk to
you as soon as you're ready to talk to me in the same way I'm talking to you."
-You're providing an example for them. Showing them what it is that you're
looking for. And that you're not going to give them what they're after as long as
they're seeking it in an inappropriate way. I think the worst thing you can do
when a child throws a tantrum is to lose your own cool. -Right. Yeah. -Right behind
that? -What's the next one? -Is to pay them off. -Right. -Or to give them what they're
having the tantrum about. -Because a lot of the times that is now going to kind
of give them a little tool in their tool back. "Oh, I got what I wanted when I did
that. I'm going to try that again." Right? And so what was just an affect
reaction has now become a manipulative tool as soon as you've paid him off. -So
keep your cool. Don't pay them off. Vicki, you said something also about setting a
good example and modeling the appropriate behavior. -Right, the tone of
voice and things. -You're not in control of your child's tantrum. Have you figured
that out? If you haven't, they're going to prove that to you. You can however
contain the tantrum. -That now, that's a really big deal.
It's hard... Okay, so at home, containing the tantrum might be
"You can throw the tantrum but that's going to be done in your room." -Right
-Right? Well, so what are you doing you're in
public? -This is sometimes where parents feel like their hands are tied. -Right. -I
can't do anything about it. Well, really? Can't you? Let's say that you're shopping
in the grocery store? -Which is where... I mean, it's every tantrum has happened at
least once. -Well there's so many reasons for a child to kick into it in that
setting. So, you feel like your hands are tied because here I'm in a public place
and I haven't checked out yet and I've got all this stuff in my cart. You can
actually abandon your cart and remove the child from the store. -Mm-hmm. -Take
them out to the car. Just say, "We're just going to sit here until this tantrum is all
over. And then we'll go back in the store." If this is a chronic problem though, I
had one of my clients do this. It was beautiful how this worked. She
anticipated that her child was goingto have a tantrum because... -it had happened
so many times. -Every time. Right? This was a chronic recurring problem. And so,
she went to the store having prepared beforehand with her best friend. And when
the tantrum started, she simply wheeled the cart to the front of the store. She
sent a quick text message to her friend. Who was waiting in the parking lot, right?
-Right. -Because they're ready for this. -Mm-hmm. -And and the text simply said,
"Shopping is not fun, please come now." And so she came into the store and escorted
the child out to her car where she did the babysitting. While mom finished or
something in peace. -And remember that that the child is out there because they
need to throw a tantrum, right? So, that's what you're letting them do in the car.
You're not going, "What can I get you Jimmy? How can I help you or whatever?"
You're not being... Obviously your benevolent person. And so you know, who
your best friend is benevolent. They're going to be kind. Right, Yeah.
But they're they're kind of like
disengaged with the child letting the child get calmed down. -Yes. Remember
you're okay with the tantrum. It's like, "Oh, we're having a tantrum." -You get to do it
in the car. -Ready. That happens over there. That's what we mean by containing the
tantrum. You're not trying to stop the tantrum. Although, when you do this, it
will send a very clear message to the child that it's time for them
to get into control. Especially if the adults in their world right now are
in control. -Right, right. And it might take a time or two or three. But... And just
remember I just can't go back enough to say if you... It's easier to get really
frustrated in the story in public. Because you start to think, "What are
other people thinking of me by my child's reaction?" So, just remember you
got to go back and change your thoughts, remember just say, "This is his or her
reaction." Not mine. -Consider how you feel when you see
another parent with a child who's throwing a tantrum. Are you judging their
parent? Be feeling empathy for that parent? Okay? Go for
empathy, okay? Just have the empathy and love in your heart for that parent. And
understand that other parents are probably going to do that for you too. So,
Vicki, let's talk about consequences for a minute. Because sometimes, especially if
it's a recurring problem and we want to teach our children to be in better
control. Sometimes it's appropriate to impose some consequences for the tantrum.
Number one consequence. I can't emphasize this enough. Take away the
payoff for the tantrum. -So what do you mean? Give me... -Go back to the grocery
store for a minute. Why is the child throwing a tantrum? Because they wanted
that thing and you didn't put it in the cart. -Okay. -Okay so now they're throwing a
tantrum, right? It would be so easy, "Oh, fine. And just put it in the cart." At
which point, the tantrum stops. And they have just trained you through a
process that we call negative reinforcement. -You've basically increased
the likelihood of that happening again the next time they want it. -Yes. And they
have just trained you to respond to them in a way that they're happy to stop the
tantrum if you give them what they want, right? -So, you're going to take away the
payoff you. -Take away the payoff. Now, what happens if you don't put the thing in
the cart? The volume goes up! -So, you're gonna have to weather the storm
sometimes in these consequences. -Well so, here's this kid thing to wait.
"This always used to work with mom. I must be losing my touch. I better turn up the
volume." Now, when they turn up the volume,
you're gonna feel more likely to put the thing in the cart because you can't
stand the noise. -Right. -That's why you have to be okay with the tantrum. If
mom's smiling, kids are thinking. -Mm-hmm. -Good rule of thumb, right? So, you take
away that pay off. That's the consequence. Probably it's going to increase the
volume of the tantrum if they're doing it to obtain that thing. -Right. -Okay? Now,
there might be some appropriate ways to impose other consequences especially for
children who are a little older.Tthey've achieved some level of emotional
regulation and you can expect them to behave in that situation differently.
It's okay to impose penalties. Here's an example of one that I've used sometimes.
It's called response cost. -Okay. -All right, response cost works really well for a
setting like the store or church or doctor's visit. where you need
them to just kind of be in control here for a short period of time. -Right. -Get a
little ziploc bag, okay? Right the child's name on the back so that they know it
stares. Put about ten things into that bag that the child likes. This might be
stickers or gum or candy or tokens or coins. I don't care. As long as they like
it, it's going to work. Those ten things go in the back. It's got their name on it.
It's theirs. -Right. You show it to them before you go to the store. "These are
yours." -Mm-hmm. -"You'll get them as soon as we get into the car after we leave the
store. Now if there's any whining, demanding, temper tantrum..." -Asking for
things or whatever it is you're trying to, decrease. -Yes "if there's
anything... That's fine. I'm okay with it." Remember, that's the first step. Be okay
with it. I'm okay with it. It's going to cost you one of these every time it
happens. You get everything that's left. -Yeah.
And now remember you don't... You're going to letting this response cost be the
teacher. -Right. -You don't get to nag and you don't say, "No, no. Don't you start
whining." Just as soon as they do, you pull it. And you want them to see, you go ahead
and open the bag. -Smile. -Eat it, whatever do whatever you need to.
And you just go on. So, you're going to just stay really calm about it,
okay? And you let that that consequence or you let the response cost be the
consequence not your voice. Not your nagging. -This is not about mom's
mood. It's not about I'm unhappy with you. You're smiling.
Remember, mom smiling, kids are thinking. So, you're smiling. You take it out and
you just... And it's yours now. So, if it's candy eat it. If it's a coin, put it in
your pocket. That's yours now. Then zip it back up and put it back. -Can I add
one more thing? So you get to the car and they now have s7 instead of ten, right?
Just let them enjoy it. Don't say, "You could I had more. But you again, you
just kind of pulled it off." Just be okay with how they did it. And hand it to them
and there you go. -Let the consequence do the teaching. -Yeah. -I love that. -Yeah. We hope
you found that helpful. We are so honored to be on your parenting team. This is fun
isn't it, Vicki? There are of their conscious parents just like you who want
to participate in this kind of positive parenting. Would you please share this
video with them/ And if you haven't yet connected to the parenting power-up, come
on over to parentingpowerup.com where we have put together some amazing
resources for you and other conscious parents. We'll see you there.
I can kind of know