- Oh, my God, it's good to be out, no?
(audience cheers) Woo!
Skinny people, it's good to see you out.
I know y'all had to skip a spin class to be here.
Thank you. (audience laughs)
Gotta be up early for sunrise yoga. I appreciate that.
Fat people, always powerful to see you out and about.
You showed up here tonight.
The seats could have been any type of seat
and you showed up.
That's brave.
It could have been one of the old theater styles
where the armrest don't move, fuck that.
But you showed up.
I think skinny people and fat people can coexist.
Cancel me. (audience laughs)
I think it's possible, I do.
But fat people, we have to be careful around skinny people.
Yeah, you can't talk, if you're a fat person,
you can't talk about being active
too quick around a skinny person,
'cause y'all get too excited.
Like as a fat person, I'll be like,
"I think I'm gonna go on a walk later,"
and a thin person in the room I've never met will be like,
"Yes, bitch! You don't have to live this way!"
God damn. (audience laughs)
Okay.
Sounds good.
You guys,
I was giving a gay blowjob recently.
(audience cheers)
Look, thank you, and also to you.
They're not all gay, you know?
This guy knows what I'm talking about.
They're not all gay, but the way I do it is pinky out.
You know what I'm talking about?
I bat my eyelashes like a cartoon character,
whatever it takes. (audience laughs)
But I've been down there for a while.
I was down there for about 30 minutes.
- Ooh. - Yeah, god damn.
That's an entire episode of "Seinfeld."
And I know because we watched
an entire episode of "Seinfeld."
I'm a guys guy, you know? I'm a guys guy, I'm not afraid.
I do it for the fellas, you know?
I was down there for about 30 minutes
and finally I was like, "Hey, are you close?"
And he said, "I'm on Lexapro. I forgot to tell you.
I might not come." (audience laughs)
I said, "When were you gonna tell me?
I'm about 45 seconds from developing lock jaw
and you're on the coward's drug, Lexapro?"
(audience laughs)
Life is hard. Get, grow up.
(laughs) No, no, no.
Being medicated is good. Seriously, stay on your meds.
You, stay on your meds. (audience laughs)
I was furious.
I was like, you can't,
I'm sucking dick for the love of the game?
What's going on?
I'm an American citizen. I have rights, you know?
(audience laughs)
I used to live in Chicago, anybody from Chicago?
(audience cheers) Woo!
I'm not, most of the fat people in the room,
I'm not saying anything, but I'm saying something, you know?
I used to live in Chicago.
I worked with students for a little bit when I was there,
which I should not have been doing.
Not for any, I didn't wanna like hook up with 'em
or anything. (audience laughs)
I just, you know, I don't know if I'm a great role model.
I worked with kids.
My favorite kids were the ones who were always
getting in trouble, the ones who broke the rules.
I thought they were cool as hell.
I was like, "Fight the power!"
Ultimately I was the power, but I still,
you know, I love those kids.
And I had this one kid, he was constantly
breaking the rules right in front of my face.
He had no respect for me. I would die for him.
I was like, "That is correct.
Do not respect these people in charge."
But one day there was another teacher in the room
and they were like shadowing me.
And he was on his phone for a long time,
so I had to like, you know, kind of be the boss.
And so I went up to him and I was like,
"Hey man," (audience laughs)
"You know that I don't even care about shit like this.
But why don't you put that phone away for me, all right?"
And he said back to me, in a completely quiet classroom,
probably the loudest I've ever heard anybody say anything,
"Fuck you Rosie O'Donnell."
(audience laughs and cheers)
I said, "That's an interesting point.
Let's go to the hallway."
So I was like, okay, now I gotta go out there
and step to him as a man, this is a 12 year old.
I have to like come to him man to man.
And I went out there and I got on his level and I said,
"First of all,
that's the funniest fucking thing I've ever heard."
(audience applauds)
"Yeah. You nailed it.
Fat, white, gay.
Either one of us at any moment, if we so chose,
could win an Oscar.
You killed it
when you said that and I'm proud of you."
But then I had to tell him something really devastating.
I didn't wanna tell him this. This broke my heart.
But I had to look this kid in the eyes and tell him,
"You're gay," and. (audience laughs)
Look, the facts are the facts.
You're a 12 year old boy who knows who Rosie O'Donnell is.
(audience cheers)
It is what it is.
Only gay people know who Rosie O'Donnell is, buddy.
And that broke my heart.
I didn't wanna tell him that
because, I think you guys will agree, being gay is over dog.
(laughs) It's over!
It's over!
It's been over since "Glee,"
the television program, "Glee," ruined it, it's over.
It's not cool anymore.
Being non-binary is cool. (audience laughs)
What are they? You can't pin 'em down.
That's cool.
Being non-binary is the new being gay,
being gay is the new being straight, being straight,
we haven't seen it since about 2015, have we?
Not a confirmed case. We've heard rumors.
There's been underground whisperings
But we haven't seen it.
And of course, being bisexual is the new being Italian.
(audience laughs and applauds)
Lot of wearing leather jackets
and pretending to be discriminated against, right?
It's like. (laughs) (audience cheers)
"Everybody hates me." Nobody thinks of you. (laughs)
(audience laughs)
No, no, no. Bisexual people are real, for real.
Maybe, I don't. (laughs) You know what I mean?
I haven't been convinced. (audience laughs)
I got picked on a lot growing up. It's fine.
Which is fine.
I start sobbing. (laughs)
I got picked on a lot growing up, which I'm over.
(audience laughs)
There's this one kid who picked on me constantly,
his name was Jimmy, you guys can look him up.
He was always going after me in class.
And finally, one day I'd had enough.
I was like, I'm gonna fight him back.
I'm gonna say something. I'm getting Jimmy back.
And he started picking on me and I went in,
he always wore a flat bill Cookie Monster hat.
You know those kids? Insidious mother fuckers.
Malevolent. Cookie Monster sleep pants to gym class.
Get the hell. (audience laughs)
If y'all don't find some jeans.
So I went in on the hat, it's the only thing I could find.
I said, "You know what, Jimmy?
Everyone hates the hat. The hat's fucking ugly.
You probably got the hat from Walmart."
Which is classist, but we live and we learn.
We live and we learn. I was poor.
I could say it at the time.
Not anymore though. You know what I'm talking about.
(audience cheers) No, no, no.
No, no, no.
What if I like brought a helicopter here? (laughs)
After the set? No, no, no.
I went in on the hat. It was crazy.
I got him. Everyone was quiet.
Nobody clapped for me, but that was the energy in the room.
Everybody was proud of me.
They saw themselves in me that day, I think.
But later my teacher found out that I did this
and she pulled me aside and she said, "You know,"
and it's one of those conversations
I'll never forget my whole life.
She said, "Caleb,
you have a different life than Jimmy does.
You're good with people
and Jimmy has actually a really bad home life."
And I didn't know that.
And she said, "You know, we can't just fly off the rails
anytime someone upsets us."
And that really struck me.
I remember standing there in front of her
and thinking, "God, I wish you had told me that sooner.
I just did five minutes on the hat."
(audience laughs and applauds)
If I knew he had to fight his dad for dinner,
I could have worked that in.
(audience cheers)
Thank you guys so much. That's my time.