She also loves award shows, celebrities.
I watch every red carpet with her.
They are so wildly boring.
It's just the same question over and over again.
"Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing? Who are you wearing?"
It could be so much more interesting if they left off the word "wearing".
And they were like, "Who are you?"
You watch Vin Diesel have an existential crisis.
He's like, "I'm Vin Diesel. No one's ever asked me that before.
I don't know who I am. Ahh!
Oh, I'm overheating."
She's eight years younger than me.
I'm 34, but when we first started dating,
I was 30, she was 22.
I knew what I was getting into.
Every now and again, she's gonna act her age.
When she did, I let it slide.
But friends of mine will get so mad.
They'd be like, "You're just gonna let her behave like that?
You're not gonna say something?"
I'd be like, "Don't tell me how to raise my girlfriend.
Don't you dare. Ever. Ever."
We been together about three or four years now,
and, uh, no more condoms.
Huh?
Pretty cool. She stopped wearing 'em.
A bit more comfortable.
I don't know why people get embarrassed to buy condoms.
They're always like, "Well then, people are gonna know
what I'm using that for."
By that logic, I'm more embarrassed to buy a computer.
I know what I'm using that for.
That's a lot more money and a much sadder sexual experience.
Ten bucks to maybe get laid
or 1,200 to definitely masturbate?
I'm not very good at sex.
People are telling me. That's how I'm finding out.
They're like, "Yuck."
Oh.
It's 'cause I haven't had a lot of one night stands.
That's how you get good at something.
You do it a lot in a variety of environments.
I've been in a couple of long-term relationships.
That just teaches you how to get good for one person.
Then you break up with them, you're with a new person,
they're like, "You're not very good at this."
You're like, "Well, it's kind of a tailored act,
curated for not your vagina. I don't know."
And I only care-- I just want to be skilled
for whoever I'm gonna be with forever.
It's all for their benefit.
That's why I wish more girls
would have slept with me when I was single.
I could have really improved, and for a great cause.
So, think about that.
When you turn down a nice guy right now,
you're hurting a good woman in the future.
( cheering )
Don't complain men are bad in bed.
Be the change in the world you want to see.
I think you could tell how mature you are as a person
just by how you handle your internet security questions
on your passwords.
I used to work at Apple. I had an E*TRADE account.
One of my questions was, "What's your dream occupation?"
I wrote, "Sucking my own dick."
But, you know...
But then a year went by, I forgot my password.
And it's a stock account. I had to call them up.
So, I'm on the phone with the lady.
We're going through all the steps.
She's like, "Okay, Mr. DeVito, one more thing
before we reset your password."
And then she must have looked down at my answer
'cause I felt it hit her.
She's like, "Ugh."
( exhales deeply )
"What is your dream occupation?"
I had to be like, "I didn't say sucking my own dick, did I?"
She was like, "Yeah, you did."
Thank God I got it right.
How much weirder would that have been?
She was like, "What's your dream occupation?"
I'm like, "Did I say sucking my own dick?"
She's like, "Nope. You wrote architect."