- But you know we're all getting older,
I turned 39 this year,
not worried about turning 40 next year.
I'm not worried about getting older at all
and I think that's because I have good friends
in their 40's, 50's, 60's,
my parents are late 60's, early 70's
and they all seem to be having quite a nice time.
What is see is my future is not a scary one.
My parents have this thing
that I think happens to a lot of people when they retire,
is all of a sudden, they can see their friends
a lot more often,
they can do hobbies they've never had time for
and they're so busy, they think to themselves,
how on Earth did we fit work in,
which must be a lovely state of affairs, mustn't it?
Me mam was showing us her diary
'cause she said it was choc-a-blok.
She said, look at this.
She said, we were gonna go see Oliver, The Musical
that day but we can't
because we forgot we had Swan Lake booked in at The Empire.
She's only this tall,
she looked up at me with this face that I adore and she went
(laughing)
I haven't got time to die.
(laughing)
I said, I don't think that's how it works, mam.
(laughing)
Just the Grim Reaper standing by
and just going, I cannae do October.
(laughing)
I cannae do November.
(laughing)
Goin' to see Tony Bennett in November.
The Grim Reaper's like, Tony Bennett,
I've been after him for years.
(laughing)
But for the last 16 or maybe even 17 years,
my mam and dad's annual holiday
has been one week in Edinburgh.
They love the city, they have friends there, they go,
they have a smashing time, they come home, all good.
But for some unknown reason, two years ago
they decided to book a cruise
and I said to me mam, that's very adventurous,
what made you book a cruise?
And she said, we just saw them loads on the telly
and I said, yeah mam, I'm pretty sure that was the news.
(laughing)
They were running aground and people were dying
and me mam and dad are like, that looks lovely,
shall we do that?
(laughing)
My parents-in-law have a similar joy for life,
they have a real knack
for being able to turn a bad situation into a good one.
I think it's something we could really learn from,
all of us, I think.
I'll give you an example of this.
They're both semi-retired and my father-in-law
was caught speeding.
Now I don't know if you know this,
I didn't know this, that if you're caught speeding
and you choose to do the Speed Awareness Course,
that you have to do it in the town where you were caught
as opposed to where you live, if it's different.
They're based in the Midlands,
he was caught speeding in Bournemouth.
And my mother-in-law said to me,
we've decided to make a weekend of it.
(laughing)
Isn't that adorable?
(laughing)
But I know getting older is no plain sailing,
I know that there are problems along the way.
One of my friends is in her 60's,
have we got any women who are 60 or above,
give us a cheer.
(crowd cheering)
Few of you, so maybe you can vouch if this is true or not.
One of my friends, she's 62 and she said,
there's something I need to tell you,
I said, that sounds really serious, is it serious?
She said, well, I just don't want it to come
as much of a surprise to you as it did to me.
I said, okay, well you better tell us what it is then.
She said, when you get to my age, down there,
instead of it being a lovely, healthy pink colour,
I could have walked away right then and there.
(laughing)
Whatever you've got, I don't want to know.
(laughing)
Instead of it being a lovely healthy pink colour,
it's more of a slate grey.
(laughing)
It's the detail that I love,
she didn't say grey, she said slate grey.
(laughing)
Like she'd had the Dulux colour chart out.
(laughing)
Here Terry, look at that.
Do you think that's Thunder or Slate?
(laughing)
I was so horrified by what I just learnt
that I blurted out,
you mean like when meat's on the turn?
(laughing)
Does that smell all right to you?
(laughing)
There'll be a few handbag mirrors coming out
when they get in tonight I reckon.
(laughing)
But my mam is, my mam is nearly 70
and she's in a wheelchair
and sometimes people are mean to her
because she's in a wheelchair, which is horrible
and hurts all of us, but her especially
and I was trying to think of just some small way
that she could retaliate when that happens
to make her feel a little bit better, you know,
and I was trying to teach her the cough swear thing,
you know the cough swear thing?
Arsehole. (laughing)
Tryna teach her that,
'cause she's always so immaculately dressed
and her nails are always perfect
and I thought, nobody for a second would suspect,
they'd be like, did that lady just?
Did she just?
Arsehole.
Did she just?
No, look at her nails.
(laughing)
Give her a lozenge.
So we talked about it, we laughed about it,
we moved on our conversation.
About 10 minutes later,
talking about something entirely different
and me mam said, had to go to the doctors this week.
I said, oh, is everything all right?
She said, yeah, but I had to see the nurse.
I said, oh, is that not good?
She said, oh, it's the one I don't really like.
I said, oh, never mind.
She said, yeah, you know the one I think's a bit of a cunt.
(coughing) (laughing)
What have I done?
(laughing)
She did the cough like it was a full stop.
(laughing)
Hello, it's Sarah Millican here.
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