- Hey guys, it's Antoni.
I'm here at Buzzfeed and I'm gonna read your thirst tweets,
and I'm also probably more uncomfortable doing this
than I could possibly be at a hockey game.
(sensual, upbeat music)
All right. (clears throat)
"I'm so attracted to Antoni from Queer Eye,
"I just want him to cook naked for me
"and sensually shake my cocktails."
Cooking naked is dangerous,
especially near an open flame.
Maybe cutting vegetables would be--
No, you do not wanna have your naked body next to a knife.
"Wish Antoni would rip me apart like he did
"that giant lobster."
I don't even know what to say to that.
"Antoni can swim in my bussy and I stand by that."
What's a bussy?
- [Man] Like, a man's butt.
- Swim?
"I just wanna eat picked carrots off of Antoni's abs."
You know what I appreciate?
Specificity.
This is a person who knows what they like.
You know what else is good?
Pickled okra and pickled green beans.
And pickled jalapenos, but not when they're
pickled too long because then they get mushy and brown.
I like it when they're crunchy.
I wonder if pickling peas would be nice.
I've never had pickled peas before.
Pickled shallots are really nice too.
"I would pay good money to suck--"
Oh, okay, it wasn't as bad.
Ah.
"I would pay good money to suck Antoni's nipples."
I do have very sensitive nipples.
It's been documented on Instagram several times,
thank you to Tan France and Jonathan Van Ness.
You're not off brand, whoever you are.
"Antoni really out here being the hottest man
"to flop pancakes, huh?"
Thank you, that's one of the nicest things anyone's
ever said about me.
"I get wet anytime Antoni says, 'Like so.'"
I do say that a lot.
Apparently I say plop a lot as well.
Plop feels kind of sexual, so, I know.
Now I'm not gonna be able to say it anymore.
It's like I can't wear Strokes t-shirts
or hold a Corgi anymore because I just feel like
it's been overdone.
And I like saying like so, 'cause how do you do things?
You do it like so.
You put the tomato paste in your pot, like so.
You deglaze with wine, like so.
It just makes sense.
(clears throat)
"I can't stop thinking about Antoni's bulge."
I think about it probably just as much as you do
because I am constantly adjusting it
because I wear very tight jeans.
"Antoni from Queer Eye could walk into the Target
"shoe section and eat my entire ass.
"Would I be opposed?
"No.
"He is free to do this if he chooses
"and I encourage it actually."
The Target shoe section?
Like, from a Tar-jay?
That is so weirdly specific.
It sounds like it was some kind of a weird dream.
And what's this declaration?
"Would I be opposed?
"No."
Like, who are sharing this with?
"Antoni could make an overrated PB and J
"and I would still want to have sex with it."
Well you should, because a PB and J is fantastic,
as long as you get the peanut butter and the jam
all the way to the sides, and as long as you toast it.
Don't be lazy, use a toaster.
You want to get it crunchy.
Unless it's like a really fresh brioche.
Or if it's like, a baguette or like a nice loaf
that already has a crust.
But if you're using like, your Wonder Bread
or an equivalent, like a nice Japanese milk bread.
I love milk bread.
Then you definitely wanna toast it.
Except if the milk bread is really fresh,
and then you cut the crusts off.
I don't even remember what that tweet was.
"I want Antoni to feed me deviled eggs shirtless
"in the bedroom of our luxury New York apartment
"while we laugh about our childhoods."
Same.
Hit me up.
"Antoni is so fine, W-T-F.
"I wonder if he'd have a threesome with me
"and another guy.
"Or I'll just watch.
"It's up to him."
Thank you for being so open minded.
"Can't believe Queer Eye is only rated TV-14
"when the slowed down, close up shots of Antoni's
"hands cooking in each episode are actual porn."
I'm always holding a knife and that feels very dangerous.
But I guess knives are weirdly sexual, aren't they?
It's like being choked.
Some of us like it, but we know it's dangerous,
but if you like choking, make sure you have a safe word.
Actually, I've learned this the hard way.
About to have some TMI.
Don't have a safe word, have a safe move
because often you can't speak if you're being choked.
Pro-tip, you're welcome for that one, kids.
Thanks so much.
If you wanna make some delicious food
and see a bunch of photos of me wearing clothes,
please buy Antoni in the Kitchen,
and make a dish for someone special today.
Thanks, guys. (jazzy music)