- Do I need counseling to use a sperm donor?
Hi everyone and welcome to Fertile Minds.
My name is Melissa Stephens,
and I'm one of the counselors at IVF Australia.
This is a question we're often asked,
do people have to have counseling before sperm donation?
And the answer is yes.
In New South Wales,
it's actually mandatory
to have at least one counseling session
for any donors or recipients
of sperm, eggs, or embryos.
Here at IVF Australia,
we actually recommend
that people have two sessions weekly,
that's best practice.
So, in the first session,
we give people lots and lots of information
and then they have some time to reflect,
and then they come back.
And, generally, the first session
has brought up a whole lot of new questions for them.
A lot of our patients have said
that they found having two sessions
has been really helpful
because, you know,
it's given them time to process stuff
and come back to us.
There are a couple of different options
for sperm donation.
So, some people decide to go with a known donor.
If you have someone in your life that you can ask,
this can be a really great arrangement.
And I think the key
to known sperm donation being successful
is having a good understanding
about everyone's expectations for the future,
so all parties really need to be on the same page.
And it doesn't matter
what the future's gonna look like
as long as you're in perfect agreement.
So, some groups go along the co-parenting path,
which is,
both parties are very, very involved
in the child's life.
And then there's kind of less connection,
so, you know, they catch up a couple of times a year
or, some people, it's someone that they know,
but they have quite a distant connection with.
And the agreement is just,
we'll keep in touch kind of when we need to.
But if the child has questions,
is it okay for them to come and meet you,
and, you know, answer the questions
and get to know them a little bit
at some point in their life.
So, like I said, it doesn't matter what you agree on,
as long as you're in agreement.
The other option,
which a lot of people choose,
if they don't have anyone they know,
or they decide that maybe
that's gonna be a complexity in their life
that they don't really need,
is to use one of the de-identified donors.
So, we have a sperm bank here at IVF Australia.
If you decide to go down that path,
you choose the donor by looking at his profile.
So, we give you quite a bit of information
about physical characteristics,
hobbies and interests,
you know, level of education,
you get all their medical information,
genetic history, that kind of stuff.
And usually we're able
to give you a childhood photo as well
so you have a bit of a feel
for what he might look like.
So, I'll talk to you a little bit about the purpose
of the counseling sessions.
The main thing about implications counseling
is making sure that everyone
has all the information they need
to make an informed decision,
both for themselves and for the potential child
that's born from the arrangement.
So, there's no right or wrong answers.
It's really about gathering all the information
that you need.
So, for recipients,
we ask about background information,
just to kind of get an understanding
of where people are up to, you know,
what their thoughts are leading
into to doing this treatment.
I guess, for most people using a sperm donor,
isn't how they thought they would have their family.
So, sometimes it's useful to talk about the process
as to how they got here.
We just get a bit of an understanding
how many people in your life you have to support you,
you know, whether there's any other stressful events
and all that sort of thing.
We discuss people's expectations
around the treatment process.
And one of the big things
we spend quite a bit of time talking about is,
how are you gonna tell your child
what their story is?
The vast majority of people I see
are really open to telling their child
and the issue that they have is,
how is this conversation gonna look,
when do you start trying to tell them,
and, you know, what are you actually going to say?
So, what we know from research
is that kids do best
when they're told when they're quite young.
But it's a very simple conversation.
Three and four-year-olds don't have
a really long attention span,
so it's just about talking about it in an ongoing...
when the opportunity arises.
And we'll talk to you about available resources.
There's some beautiful children's books out there
and there's a lot of online resources as well.
There's also groups of other donor parents
that you can link in with
and they can talk to you about their experiences.
So, that's something we can share with you
during the session, too.
The session for sperm donors is slightly different.
So, they also have to do two counseling sessions.
We spend a lot of time talking to them
about what's their motivation
for wanting to be a donor.
In Australia, sperm donation has to be altruistic,
so they're not getting paid for their donation.
So, it's lovely to hear the great reasons
that these men are coming forward
to help families be created.
So, we talk about that.
We make sure they have a good understanding
of what the process is.
They're all very aware
that they have to sign the New South Wales Donor Register.
So, once the child turns 18,
they can get the donor's identifying information.
And we talk to the donor about
how this is gonna be for him
when children do contact him in the future,
how that might impact on himself,
his family if he has his own children,
and just making sure he's really thought through
the long-term effects.
And most of the donors,
well, they are all on board
about being contacted.
And they're really understanding
as to why a young person might want to meet them.
So, they know that they're not gonna be someone's parent,
but they get that young people
would want some background information
just to fill in some blanks in their own lives.
If you decide to use a known donor,
we also have a joint session.
So, that's a time when all of us sit down
and just really talk about,
you know, what everyone's intentions are
in terms of future expectations,
just making sure everyone is now on the same page
at the start of the arrangement.
And, you know, all relationships in life
tend to have some bumps at times.
So, if bumps come up in the future,
how is the group gonna handle that?
And, you know, what are some options for people?
What are some likely scenarios, I guess,
that we've seen in the past
that people might want to consider?
I guess, in conclusion,
the implications counseling is compulsory,
but while people are on cycle or post-treatment,
we're able to continue to provide supportive counseling.
I quite often have phone calls from people
sort of with four and five-year-olds,
or older kids,
and they ring up and they say,
look, I know when I started this process,
you guys talked a lot about books and resources,
and what I'm gonna tell my child,
I'm at the point
where I'm actually trying to tell them stuff,
and I just need a bit of a refresher.
So, you can check in with us at any time
and we can give you an update.
We also have a siblings program
where people who are interested,
can connect with other siblings
created by the same donor.
That's a totally voluntary program,
but we can help you join that
if that's something you would like to do.
Thanks very much for your time today.
And if you have any questions,
feel free to send them through.
And also, don't forget to subscribe to our channel
so you can keep up to date on new information.
Thank you.
(light music)