- I mean, you would think with all the innovation
happening around us all the time,
there'd be something implemented to stop people
from posting shit on TikTok
that makes them look foolish.
We got electric cars going faster than super cars,
interplanetary space travel exploration.
And yet we can't stop plebes from logging on to TikTok
and making themselves look silly.
I think Elon Musk needs to work on a little chip,
a little AI chip, that installs right into
your shoulder blade, the deltoid area.
And every time you're thinking about hitting
that post button, a little hologram pops out and says,
hey bro, hey, you sure you want to post that, dumb ass?
Think of the amount of lives that could be saved
with this kind of technology, but it's not here yet.
So in the meantime, I had a team of experts,
and by that, I mean, my friend Nigel here,
compile a list of TikToks
that may have went a little far.
And we're going to watch those together.
- [TikTok Speaker] When you're in a car
with somebody that can't drive.
(hip hop music)
(creepy sound effects)
(loud heart beats and heavy breathing)
- I mean, there's a lot that could be said here,
but it's 2021 and toenail shaming
is no longer acceptable on the internet.
So I'm just going to comment on the, on the shoes.
So what are those?
- So usually this stuff is solid like.
- Is this Jeremy Fragrance?
This is isn't it?
Is it the dude Cody made a video on?
This guy's insane.
- It is so sexy.
- Well, I could just.
Well I could just lick this whole thing,
but it would be literally thousands of calories.
- Literally thousands of calories.
Honestly, Jeremy,
I'm less worried about the calories
and more worried about the fact
that you just performed air fellatio
on a jar of scented ghee butter.
Ah, I've seen this dude before.
(explosions)
(upbeat electronic music)
(laughs)
What is happening?
(eagle screeching)
It's too good.
Definitely seen this guy online somewhere before.
And if you don't know who he is,
he's arguably the best visual effects artist
on TikToK, hands down.
Let me show you one more example.
(techno music)
(gun cocks)
(exploding)
Are you kidding me?
How is this guy not in the Marvel studio labs
cooking up the next ending for "Avengers End Game"
fucking season seven?
(exploding)
Revolutionary stuff you're witnessing right there.
(farting)
♪ Make it (farting) ♪
♪ That's so (farting) ♪
♪ Now get up (farting) ♪
♪ And I'm out (farting) ♪
Nice, anyone can enjoy a good fart meme, right?
♪ Whop, whop that's so (farting) ♪
♪ Now go (farting) ♪
♪ That's so (farting) ♪
Oh, look at them move.
Yeah, cute animation.
But honestly,
I won't be impressed until I see Cardi B recreate that
with queefs only.
(Cardi B laughing)
- And I hold this Among Us toothbrush
will clean my stain teeth.
It's-- - Please don't.
(teeth chattering)
Emergency meeting, let's check the before results.
It's blue, Colgate Optic White.
- This what I'm talking about, dude
like just, just a little chip on your shoulder.
Like, hey bro, you're, you're a dentist.
You're a dentist, maybe you shouldn't,
maybe shouldn't make Among Us memes on TikTok.
(teeth brushing)
(upbeat music)
Is that a Shrek toothpaste dispenser adapter
to make it look like Shrek is shitting Colgate
on to your toothbrush?
(laughs) Oh my God.
I take back everything.I said,
this dentist is a goddamn genius.
- This toothbrush cleaned okay,
but green's looking kind of sus
and I think it's the imposter.
- Nah, I take it back that guy sucks.
- What's up guys?
It's your boy.
Back with another video on the YouTube channel.
Before we get into any semblance of content,
make sure you mutilate the like button.
Comment, subscribe and fuck your dad.
This video is sponsored by Cunt VPN.
Use promo code fuck for 10% off your fucking purchase.
So, with all that out of the way,
let's dive right into our second sponsorship.
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- (laughs) All right that, that TikTok was an anomaly.
That man is an absolute legend and that was hilarious,
but not as much of a legend
as today's video sponsor, Express VPN.
Nah, nah, I'm fucking with you.
I'm fucking with you, that would be too perfect.
That's not till next week, but he's absolutely right.
You should mutilate the like button right now
with an aggressive hip thrust
to the point where your femur flies out of the socket
of your hip joint.
♪ She's just too hard headed ♪
Whoa.
♪ A single mom who works two jobs ♪
♪ And a heart of a fighter ♪
♪ I'm a survivor ♪
Honestly, Nigel, not really sure why you included that one
in the compilation here.
Pretty mediocre TikTok.
But I think I just found my thumbnail. (laughs)
I mean, click bait has gone through so many iterations
over the last decade and a half,
but boobs have remained undefeated by far.
♪ My bitch got a body like Alba ♪
♪ What up dog I'm the alpha ♪
♪ So you better watch out brah ♪
♪ And that goes for anyone around ya ♪
A lot going on there.
First of all, red heads are a dying breed really.
So having two of them together in a relationship
is like two rare Pokemon.
That's alpha is hell.
She's not wrong about that.
Secondly, it's kind of like a crass joke
when I was growing up
to ask red heads, you know,
does the curtain match the drapes, right?
But it looks like in this case,
the curtain matches the teeth.
(slasher music)
You might want to tinker with the white balance
on your phone just a little bit next time
or cut down on the Newport menthols,
or do none of that
if that's the look you're going for.
I'm not going to judge,
you know what, I just did judge actually, (beep)
- Is there a problem?
Oh, that was me and my family.
We were camping last night.
We were in the woods, yeah.
Yeah, we were up pretty late.
We were having a blast.
I'll tell them to keep it down, thank you.
(door shutting)
♪ Got dope like Pablo, Pablo ♪
♪ Got dope like Pablo ♪
What did I tell you?
I said if you're gonna bite their neck,
keep them quiet.
I don't care what you have to use, keep them quiet.
You're right it won't happen again
because if it does, you're dead, last chance.
- Wow, what an absolute nail biter, dude.
Honestly, I can't even get mad at that dude.
It was a gripping story and it was basically like Twilight
for gen Z plebes that don't have the attention span
to watch an entire movie.
- [Computer Voice] My life as a weeb.
Wake up next to Koneko and go right back to sleep
cause who would ever want to leave?
Eventually get up and hide her
cause my family won't understand.
Wake my brain up by reading art.
- By reading art.
- [Computer Voice] Have breakfast
and completely ignore my adult responsibilities.
- That's about right. Relatable.
- Binge anime all day and hang out with my dog.
And finally have my daily depression phase.
- All right, that, kid's kind of funny,
kind of sad, but mixture of the two.
That's like the exact prototype of person I picture
when I see some anon on Twitter talking shit
with an anime profile picture.
This man needs to watch some Gary V videos.
(laughs) I'm kidding, sorry.
Sorry, bro, you sick and tired of being a sad anime
bitch bro, bro?
- Are you an asshole?
- Empathy, bro.
Flip shit on eBay, bro and fuck your parents bro,
limitless opportunities.
- That's a good one.
(upbeat music)
- Did you see her face when that grown ass man
walked through her TikTok.
Look at that.
(party horn blasting)
Like she can't believe he had the audacity
to interrupt her pathetic TikTok
when he's trying to get shit done.
Welcome to the real world bitch.
I know you're used to your online fantasy world
full of likes and views and fake affirmations
from a bunch of sad virgins.
But my man's got some shit to do.
You think that dude wants to be in that grocery store
right now?
Not a chance.
There is not a place on earth that gives me more anxiety
than a grocery store.
If my wife unfortunately lost her leg somehow.
and I had to go.
- Trader Joe's for this and that.
And then I gotta go to Whole Foods for that.
And then I gotta go to Market Basket or Stop and Shop.
(sad piano music)
- I would probably football tackle your ass to the ground
if you were impeding my ability to get in and out of there
as quickly as possible,
especially if it's because you were lip syncing
to some bullshit useless TikTok.
(upbeat music)
on an iPhone 12 S Max Ethereum,
that your daddy bought you.
Get the fuck outta here.
Not coming to this girl crib no more.
(girl snoring)
A little bit of snoring, listen it's not that bad.
It's why I always sleep with a fan on.
Mask the snoring.
But usually I'm the one doing the snoring too.
(farting)
(laughs)
Dude, what?
That caught me off guard.
I hope that was fake.
But if it wasn't, it's funny either way.
That was, woof.
- Right here.
And they will crawl and just.
(guy yelling)
And it's really not that big of a deal.
- Dude. (laughs)
That is the correct reaction.
Ah God, I hate spiders so much.
♪ You're mad, I'm back. ♪
♪ Big Mac, he's mad, she's mad, big sad ♪
Ah, get it big boy.
♪ Don't care, stay mad ♪
Hey man you're a Belle Delphin Simp
and you're trying to get her attention.
Sometimes your pride has to take a back seat
and you have to do what you gotta do.
This man is a warrior.
- Oh good morning, my queen.
- Hey, big boy. (laughs)
- How we doing this morning?
You're 33 today, happy birthday, my queen.
- Oh boy.
- You want a back rub?
- My beautiful queen sugar boobs.
I'm about to send that to every 33 year old broad I know
on Instagram.
Locals Yesterday was a show all right.
Guess this is what it takes to be a top player.
Hey, a pregame ritual is a pregame ritual.
Only true gamers know what that's like.
You getting clapped in pub lobbies.
This is my man right here clapping those cheeks.
Also a 30% chance he ends up killing someone IRL.
But listen, it's high stress being a gamer.
I wouldn't even, you know what I'm saying?
How can you even get mad at him?
(spray bottle squirting)
Oh yeah, we all know this girl.
We all know this girl.
Walks into the party everyone stops for a second.
Like (sniffs loudly) did a tractor trailer full of Febreeze
just get hit with a missile strike outside? (sniffs)
Horrible.
- Bro, hot girl summer does not exist.
If you're a hoe, just say that.
No shame in it for real.
Like nobody gives a fuck.
Like 99% of guys are hoes anyways.
So they definitely can't judge you.
Just don't let them ruin your vibe.
- Dude, hot girl summer doesn't exist, bro.
Nobody gives a fuck.
Like if you're a hoe just be a hoe, bruh.
Like it's okay to be a hoe.
Like 99% of guys like myself are so fucking hot
are just hoes, dude.
It's what we do bro.
- Just don't let them ruin your vibe.
- This is like the TikTok E-boy final boss.
Fluff hair, dyed tips, manicured eyebrows, nose ring,
dangly earrings.
I swear to God China makes these kids in a factory
to continue capturing market share of our youth's attention.
- [Computer Voice] I decided to fill with gas
Because of the shortage.
- Nope, nope.
Nope, terrible idea.
- [Computer Voice] Filling.
(whimsical music)
Gas regulator.
- Yeah, nope.
Maybe just little,
probably should have a little thing on your shoulder,
a little AI bot say, hey, you sure,
you sure you want to post this dumb ass?
I think that one day the technology
will be a reality for us.
We'll be able to land on Mars.
Take little vacations up to Mars
and we'll be able to have technology
that stops people from being so stupid.
But until that time I'm gonna just keep on
enjoying these TikToks,
courtesy of my friend Nigel over here.
I want to thank you guys so much for watching.
I hope you enjoyed a few of these along with me.
If you want to support the channel,
you can check out any of the links in the description
with some affiliate stuff, some merch
and as always, if you'd like,
that would mean the world to me and make sure you do it
with your hips, with a aggressive thrust and subscribe.
If you haven't, that would mean the world.
We'll see you in the next video, peace.
♪ So give me the views ♪
♪ Cause I want the views ♪
♪ So give me the views ♪
♪ I need some motherfucking views ♪
♪ So give me the views ♪