( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND
"STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY!
( BAND PLAYING ) ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, JON.
( JON HUMMING ) >> Stephen: WHAT'S UP?
WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL?
ALL GOOD?
>> Jon: YEAH!
>> Stephen: PLEASE, EVERYBODY, HAVE A SEAT.
THANK YOU.
WE'VE GOT JON, TONIGHT, IT'S ONE OF THOSE THINGS WHERE IT'S
ALWAYS A TREAT FOR THE AUDIENCE BECAUSE WE PUT ON A GOOD SHOW.
I'M NOT GOING TO TOOT OUR OWN HORN BUT --
>> Jon: WE GIVE IT OUR ALL.
THAT'S RIGHT.
>> Stephen: TONIGHT IT'S A REAL TREAT BECAUSE TONIGHT I GET
TO HANG OUT WITH SANDRA BULLOCK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) NO BIG DEAL, JUST SANDRA
BULLOCK, THAT'S ALL.
NO BIGGIE.
>> Jon: EXACTLY.
>> Stephen: WE DO THAT EVERY DAY.
WE ONLY BROADCAST IT TONIGHT.
( LAUGHTER ) FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME,
RIGHT OVER THERE, CRUISING THE VAST TSU-KIJI FISH MARKET OF THE
DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, CAREFULLY SURVEYING THE FRESHEST, MOST
TOPICAL CATCH OF THE DAY, CHOOSING ONLY THE HIGHEST GRADE
AHI NEWS TUNA, AWABI, AND UNAGI, THEN DELICATELY PICKING THROUGH
THE RICE GRAINS OF THE HEADLINES, GENTLY WRAPPING THE
INGREDIENTS IN THE FRESHEST HAND-PICKED NORI, AND CAREFULLY
LAYING IT ALL OUT TO PRESENT TO YOU THE YAMANAKA LACQUERED
THREE-TIER JUBAKO BENTO BOX THAT IS MY NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) BUT -- YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S COMING.
BUT SOMETIMES, I AM SLAPPED AWAKE BY A POSSUM ON A BED OF
WET TIRES NEAR A LONG-ABANDONED WHARF, SELL MY LAST REMAINING
ADULT TEETH TO A VAGRANT FISHMONGER FOR AN EXPIRED SALMON
CARCASS, THAT I GRIND INTO A SOFT PASTE, THEN ROLL IN ENOUGH
STALE RICE KRISPIES TO MAKE SNAP, CRACKLE, AND POP TAKE A
HARD LOOK IN MIRROR, AND SERVE YOU THE NIGHT-SCREAM INDUCING
HOBO HAND-ROLL OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO.
THERE IT IS.
"MEANWHILE!" TO THE RESCUE!
"MEANWHILE!," LIKE THE CALVARY!
MEANWHILE, IN LOS ANGELES A MAN LED POLICE ON A LENGTHY
CAR CHASE THROUGH THE CITY BEFORE FLEEING ON FOOT, AND
THAT'S WHERE IT GOT VERY "KEYSTONE COPS:"
>> YOU CAN SEE IT RIGHT THERE.
THE SUSPECT TRYING TO GET INTO SOMEONE'S PROPERTY, OBVIOUSLY
DOING A VERY POOR JOB OF IT RIGHT THERE.
L.A.P.D. COMING TO A STOP-- OH, COME ON, GUYS HE'S RIGHT THERE
OFFICERS RUNNING RIGHT BY HIM.
OH, MY GOODNESS, I JUST FEEL SO BAD FOR THOSE OFFICERS MAKING
THEIR WAY BACK NOW.
IT'S THE BLUE CAR!
SOME OF THOSE OFFICERS JUST GETTING THAT INFORMATION, THERE
YOU GO, THERE YOU GO.
AND NOW THAT SUSPECT IS GOING INTO CUSTODY.
WOW.
(REPORTER LOUDLY SIGHS) AND THEY HAVEN'T SEEN HIM YET
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.
THERE WE GO.
OH, MY GOSH.
>> STEPHEN: THE L.A.P.D. REPORTS THAT, AFTER UNSUCCESSFULLY
SEARCHING FOR THE SUSPECT UNDERNEATH THAT GUY LYING ON THE
GROUND, HE IS STILL AT LARGE.
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, A NEW ARTIFICIAL
INTELLIGENCE TOOL CAN SPOT HEART DISEASE NEARLY 40 TIMES FASTER
THAN DOCTORS.
I'M TOLD WE HAVE FOOMGHT OF THE A.I. IN ACTION.
( COMPUTER SCANNING AND CALCULATING SOUNDS )
>> HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO GO EASY ON THE VELVEETA?
( LAUGHTER ) >> STEPHEN: THE TECH IS
IMPRESSIVE, APPARENTLY IT CAN SPOT HEART DISEASE IN 20
SECONDS.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS: FIRST, IT ASKS IF YOU ARE AMERICAN.
IF YOU SAY YES, YOU HAVE HEART DISEASE.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, GREAT NEWS FOR ALL YOU ART LOVERS.
A MAN LISTED A PAINTING HE CLAIMS IS 'CURSED' ON EBAY FOR
JUST $50 BECAUSE HE SAYS IT RUINED HIS LIFE.
I DON'T GET IT.
WHAT'S CURSED ABOUT THIS PAINTING?
IT'S JUST A HAUNTING DEAD-EYED BABY AND CHUCKY ED SHEERAN.
( LAUGHTER ) ACCORDING TO THE SELLER, AFTER
HE PURCHASED THE PAINTING, HE EXPERIENCED AN "EPIC LOSING
STREAK," INCLUDING DISCOVERING AN INSECT INFESTATION IN HIS
HOUSE, THE DEATH OF HIS BELOVED HAMSTER, AND LACK OF SLEEP.
WELL, IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING, I HEAR THE TRICK IS TO
GET OUT OF BED, SIT SOMEPLACE COMFORTABLE FOR A MOMENT, AND
BURN THIS PAINTING.
( LAUGHTER ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, YOU CAN NOW BUY A DIAMOND RING MADE FROM RANCH
DRESSING.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) EITHER A DIAMOND OR A RANCH
DRESSING FAN IN THE AUDIENCE.
( LAUGHTER ) YOU SEE, DIAMONDS ARE JUST PURE
CARBON, WHICH IS WHAT ALL ORGANIC MATERIAL IS MADE FROM.
SO, THIS DIAMOND WAS CREATED IN A LAB BY HEATING HIDDEN VALLEY
RANCH SEASONING TO 2,500 DEGREES, AND THEN CRUSHING THE
OUTPUT BENEATH 400 TONS OF PRESSURE, TAKING FIVE MONTHS
TOTAL TO CREATE.
KINDA' SOUNDS LIKE ANYTHING CAN BE A DIAMOND.
REMINDS ME OF THE CLASSIC JAMES BOND MOVIE:
"DIAMONDS ARE WHATEVER."
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, WE HERE AT MEANWHILE
EXTREME TAX SOLUTIONS AND DISCOUNT MEDICAL WASTE DISPOSAL
OFTEN GET SO MUCH INSANE NEWS OUT OF ONE PARTICULAR STATE THAT
WE CREATED OUR MEANWHILE SUB-SEGMENT:
"GUESS WHICH STATE THIS HAPPENED IN.
NEVER MIND, IT'S FLORIDA."
>> GIVE ME BACK MY DRUGS, ALLIGATOR!
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, A FLORIDA MAN ASKED
POLICE TO TEST HIS METH FOR AUTHENTICITY.
THERE'S ALREADY A PRETTY RELIABLE WAY TO TEST IF YOUR
METH IS AUTHENTIC.
DID IT MAKE YOU CALL THE POLICE TO COME CHECK IF YOUR METH IS
AUTHENTIC?
THEN THAT'S THE GOOD STUFF.
THE GENIUS CONNOISSEUR APPARENTLY TOLD OFFICERS THAT HE
WAS AN EXPERIENCED DRUG USER AND HE KNEW WHAT IT SHOULD FEEL LIKE
AND THAT THE SUBSTANCE WASN'T PRODUCING THE DESIRED EFFECT.
"THIS METHAMPHETAMINE LACKS CHARACTERISTIC NOTES OF BATTERY
ACID AND FANTA BOTTLE AND SIMPLY ISN'T PRODUCING THE
TOOTH-SOFTENING FINISH ONE IS ACCUSTOMED TO.
I DON'T FEEL ANY SPIDERS UNDER MY SKIN."
( LAUGHTER ) UNSURPRISINGLY, TURNS OUT, THE
MAN'S METH WAS REAL.
AND HE WAS ARRESTED.
( LAUGHTER ) WELL, WELL, LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE
OWES HIS METH DEALER AN APOLOGY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SANDRA BULLOCK.
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ( BAND PLAYING )