*high fives camera* TOP OF THE MORNING TO YOU LADDIES. My name is jacksepticeye, and I have brought you all here out tonight
For a sweet sultry dinner I know we've been
Looking at each other across the cafeteria every now and then
Making eyes and sort of like gesturing to each other. You know how we do you know that gesture we have
I've seen some sparks in the air, and I've thought for a long time about asking all
18 million of you out on a date
So I thought tonight was the night when to become one so this is check, please
it's a game that mixes the
Horrible atrocity that is Hand Simulator, trying to move your hand all over the place as well as social anxiety and fear of commitment
So if you have any fears at all this is the one that's going to bring them out of you oh gosh
She looks angry. Why are you mad?
It's a little dark in here. Can you make it--
Okay jazz band, can you just keep it down for a second, holy God?
Um.. what? Why did I get a check already?
Oh. Didn't-- didn't really work out, huh?
Set up a blind date brought you in then you sat down looked at me and thought oh dear dear God
No, I need to get out of here. Okay.
Different person this time. The lady with a 'stache. All right. It's little dark in here. Can you light the candle?
M'lady. No problem at all. I can light anything
Do you-- do you want me to twist a titty off? I can do that too. Okay? Let's do this
I'ma grab this magic fire stick
All right man make fire. Okay another one just appeared out of nowhere, haha
I am magic. Watch this. Whoosh!
See that shit? Here you go. Take that. Take that it's from me
To you mon chéri, I just thought it would be nice to bring you out here finally, and look at the moonlight
through your... mustache hairs
All right. "Could you pour us some wine?" No problem at all, m'love.
Let me just grab the bottle here. No problem. Watch me go okay
haha, that--
That's gonna leave a stain!
haha
Comedy, I like to break the ice with it. Okay. Oh
That was a fake mustache
You're a liar. What else did you lie about? Can you actually swim across the great canal of Ireland?
Or was your tinder profile fake too?
Never know who to trust anymore. Okay? Here's your-- here's your stupid wine
Glug glug I suppose your drinking problem was fake as well. Nope you can't even hold a glass. I guess that was true
all right,
I poured us some wine
There we go I mean I did spill the blood of our enemies on the table, too
But just like to have a bit of-- what? What is your problem right now? I poured us some wine. Look
Glob glob glob. Drink drink drink
She didn't like the wine I poured
So I MURDERED her! That's what all the blood all over the table is. It's not wine at all
Okay, they don't call me Jack ANOVA for nothing, okay
cassis--
Casanova Jack. That was my name in college
So if anyone knows how to woo the ladies, it'd be the Jack. And I'm gonna do it this time look
Happy smiley faces. Yes. It's a little dark in here. Can you light the candle?
For you my love, I would light the world on it itself on fire
There you go, Oh oui oui. Mon chéri, would you pour us some wine I will pour you the stars themselves?
Into your face, okay, okay a little wine is fine
For some reason it is getting all over the table as well. Oh shhh.....
shhhh-IT!
Would you like some wine huh?
There you go. Yeah, drink up your wine alcohol
You know what I slave and I slave over this all day, and what do you do?
You don't even like it?!
Get rid of it all I stab you with the knife
Come here, come here! Stabby stab stab!
Turns out you're not supposed to stab people when you're on a date, okay speed dating
Okay, next! Bring in the next one
Okay, okay, looking good looking good already a spoon just materialized out of nowhere. It's the magic
Between us that is causing that
You know that Sandra you know?
I've always admired you as
You deal with all those accounting books every single day, and I think to myself man, if only she could account for
Her own happiness as well as she accounts for this company
Yes
Some wine ah the sweet
tender meatballs
Can you feed me three meatballs? I could if that bottle wasn't pissing over the edge
Okay, okay, okay. Okay? Do you want me to like--
Should I use a fork for this?
I probably should right? Okay, here comes the meatball train
Choo-choo
There's one
You see how I'm giving you meatballs off my side of the table
Yes, here, this one's not actually a meatball this one's a piece of poo from earlier
What?! I was being--
Nothing but nice! I was being the most wonderful
The wonderful hosts, that anyone has ever seen
It's because I stabbed her in the face at the fork, wasn't it? My bad. They got the trash friend discount
Mademoiselle, would you like me to light this candle for you? Of course you would. Woosh! The magic. The night is set
ablaze
Right in front of us, okay. I just got to move my slow hand all the way over. Okay. Don't knock those
Don't knock those okay. It's inevitable to knock those
There's your wine, okay, I'm gonna feed you a meatball here you go
Did I feed it to you I am not sure
What is your problem lady okay, I came out here, and I shaved my ass for nothing wait
*sniff sniff*(kinda gross Jack) Do I smell
No, I smell like a summer breeze
It's you that's the problem. It's a little dark in here. Can you light the candle? It's actually fine
Maybe if you didn't have glocoma. You'd be fine. All right here. We go. I'm lighting the candle. Okay. Oh, you're happy again Wow
Needy much
Okay, I'm gonna get rid of my glass. I don't need it. I don't drink. I'm not an alcoholic like you Sandra
Okay, sorry. Sorry sorry
You gotta break a few eggs to make a few baskets
Okay, okay
One meatball I
Don't know what you expect out of a relationship
Sandra okay, but if you are giving up on men
Two minutes into the relationship after I slave over these meat balls
Then I thought fuck it
this is the I'm going to die alone forever in a bathtub filled of my own feces song I
Know what it is? It's cause of what I'm wearing isn't it idea
You got this you got this you are the man you are the man
We got this
There is no way she can resist the charm of Jack now I
Even have my shirt
buttoned I
Haven't done that in years, okay, Sandra
How are you? How was your day? This is this is the problem? I haven't just been asking about you. I've
Made it all about me all this time and my failings, but you know what Sandra
Let's make tonight all about you
here
Sandra would you?
Like some wine. I am going to pour it myself
Sorry about your knife
Sandra the meatballs they have arrived your face
Is looking ravishing?
It's looking quite
illustrious
Sandra I checked out Jesus Christ. It's okay Sandra. Just burned myself on a candle
It's fine Sandra
I'm waiting a long time to tell you this but I
Am your real dad well, maybe have to feed you three meatballs at the same time
That was the problem that was the problem okay, Sandra here comes the meatball plane
What more do you want I asked about your interests in your feelings I dress up nicely I feed you the meatballs
What do you want for me is it blood Sandra? Would you?
Like a flower. I I picked this
myself
From the gardens on Mont Tibby Dave. Oh here you go. Here. You go. It's a flower I
Got that for you Sandra said you want to see a magic trick watch woo woo woo
Hands fine, hands fine. It doesn't even hurt. It's fine
Look whoosh whoosh whoosh magic right I can do this all day just woot but
Jesus
Son of a fuck!
Hey, Sandra
Blow out the match and make a wish
but
What do you mean? You don't want to make a wish, and that's for kids. I made a wish when I was seventeen
That if I met a woman of my dreams she blow out my match, and that would be a match made in heaven
It was supposed to be poetic
Okay, Sandra. Thanks for coming here. This is your intervention
Tell us about your relationship with your father
Abandonment issues he left you and your mother when you were quite young never came back
Never told you that he loved you so now you fear all men
you're afraid to commit because what if I leave you well Sandra, I'm
Still here aren't I I haven't gone anywhere yet?
And you've tried to drive me away many times, but this is real. This is tangible I know
Open up to me Sandra in more ways than one and it reminds me of my relationship with my dad Sandra
You know I would always say Papa. I love you look at this picture
I drew you, and he'd always be like Oh son. Please go die in a fire
We had a very special connection
Then he didn't talk to me much though
He never told me he loved me and
What was I talking about?
My heart is in
Havana and I think it's probably my addiction to heroin that just drives all of my loved ones away
You know sometimes they just can't handle it. Ah there goes my thumb again. I have that tremor
It's because of all the heroin, Sandra, but I promise I'll go clean for you. No, no, babe
I swear. I was only looking at that lady because she had to bee up her skirt. I wasn't checking her out
I swear I would never think so I said
Fuck you, and he turned to me, and he punched me in the face
and It explains the scary have right up here over my eye. Oh, I mean under my eye
I mean my ear ha ha ha waiter
poor Drake's I call this one the magic vanishing chalice I
saw it in Harry Potter Sandra if I threw this shaker at you would it count as
assault
You supposed to laugh Sandra joke you you're allowed to laugh at some things
your father again I
Get it Sandra. I get it
One day Sandra we were out fishing me and papa and it was a such a good day
I'll never forget it we were we were out and they we're out there, and I I turned to my dad and said Wow papa
It's just great out here right, but just a pair of guys being dudes huh out here in the lake pond
Just fishing out some bass, and he turned to me, Sandra and he said
The wisest words that he's ever said to me, and I'll never forget it he turned to me and he said son
When you going to grow up and be a real man
And I'll never forget it eat my finger Sandra Sandra eat my finger
Sandra all the kids are doing it it's cool. It's sexy Oh shit
$91 Dollars?!
I forgot my wallet. Oh God all right don't panic Sandra's in the bathroom. Okay?
You didn't see me
That does it for this video on Check, Please I am NOT going to chance my luck here, but I'm just going to say I
Think it went pretty well, okay, Sandra. She didn't say much when she was leaving, but she did give me that look
You know the one
it's gonna be it's gonna be hard to keep our hands off each other at work from now on but I
think futures looking good between us fingers crossed everybody but
THANK YOU guys so much for
watching this episode And if you liked it
PUNCH THAT LIKE BUTTON IN
THE FACE LIKE A BOSS
AND HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND
*some sorta high five sound*
But thank you guys and I'll
See all you dudes IN THE NEXT
VIDEO!!!!!!
This is the knife Papa gave to me, I mean he stuck it in me, but I took it as a gift