- I realize why Americans don't travel abroad.
I realize why they don't live in other countries.
Because it fucking sucks.
(audience laughing)
(heavy bass music)
- Welcome to This is Not Happening presents:
World of Blunder.
If you've never been to the show before,
this is a bunch of comics telling fun stories
about real shit that happened.
Give it up for Miss Fortune Feimster everybody.
(audience cheering)
It's like I'm home.
(audience laughing)
Oh God, I always, it does feel like I'm home
because I've always felt like I'm like
a Tuesday night stripper.
(audience laughing)
You guys, well by now you've heard my accent
and you know I'm not very sophisticated
so there's that.
I'm from North Carolina and you know,
I grew up, you know, I was, I guess,
what you would call like a redneck.
I was a redneck.
I wasn't one of those people that walked
into a gas station barefoot like Britney Spears.
That's just gross.
I had class.
(audience laughing)
I was one of those people that drank
out of a mason jar, you know?
And that was before it was cool.
Like now it's cool to drink out of a mason jar, you know?
People do it because it's vintage.
They want to feel like they're in a Mumford and Sons video.
(audience laughing)
They're like I want to drink out of a mason jar.
It's cool.
I was like I drank out of a mason jar
because I was a redneck.
I had green beans in a mason jar like two days before,
now I'm drinking out of it, you know?
(audience laughing)
I was like I wanna drink out of my mason jar.
I want my mason jar.
That's what's happening now and just telling you guys.
I drank out of a mason jar before it was cool.
So one thing my family didn't do.
We didn't travel.
Like, that was not our thing, you know?
Our idea of branching out was going to
the Hometown Buffet across town.
That was dangerous.
And if we wanted culture, I went to a Chinese restaurant
and ordered lo-mein like that was culture to me
or I would put Hollandaise sauce on my steak
instead of A1 sauce, which is delicious.
(audience laughing)
That just makes me really hungry.
(audience laughing)
I love A1 sauce.
(audience laughing)
So, you know, we definitely didn't leave the country.
That was crazy.
You know, once when I was young,
I asked my dad what abroad meant
and he looked at me like I was stupid, like duh.
It's a hot chick, and I was like.
(audience laughing)
Yes.
That sounds exactly right.
So by the time I graduated college,
yes, that did happen.
(audience laughing)
I was like, you know, I need to broaden my horizons.
I need to go see the world
and Mexico doesn't count, you know?
Because it's right next door and it's not sophisticated.
You could get a six pack of beer
and a hooker and a box of chicklets
for like three dollars
and you can use a Groupon on top of that.
(audience laughing)
So I was like I need to see the world
so I decided I was going to move to Spain,
which was not a great idea.
And not only was I going to travel there,
I was like I'm going to live there
for an entire year.
I'm going to pick a place where they don't speak English.
That's fun.
No, it's not.
(audience laughing)
So when I arrived in Spain,
I realized why Americans don't travel abroad.
I realized why they don't live in other countries.
Because it fucking sucks.
(audience laughing)
I'm like why am I an asshole because
I want more ice in my drink, you know?
(audience laughing)
Why do I have to pay 75 cents
to use your shitty ass public restroom?
I mean, I was glad that their gypsies
and vagrants didn't murder you
like the ones do in America.
They'll just fucking kill you.
These guys will just steal your purse
when you go to the bathroom and, by the way,
I used to carry a purse all the time
before I went to Spain.
I was just walking down the street,
me and my purse.
(audience laughing)
Just me and my purse, going to Starbucks,
drinking out of a mason jar.
(audience laughing)
Now, I don't carry a purse.
Thanks a lot Spain.
(audience laughing)
So I arrived at Spain and the thing
about living in Spain is you want to blend in, you know?
And I stuck out like a sore thumb
and by sore thumb, I mean a fat,
curly haired, tall American who
everybody stared at everywhere I went.
And it didn't help that we had gone to war that year
with Iraq so everyone hated America.
It was awesome.
(audience laughing)
So everywhere I went, people didn't even wave at me.
They just were like this immediately.
(audience laughing)
I was like cool.
I'm pretty sure that's not how you say hola.
(audience laughing)
So to make this travel experience even greater,
I was like, you know what?
I want the full experience.
I'm going to live with a native Spaniard.
This sounds awesome.
We can like habla espanol, totos los dias.
(audience laughing)
That's every day in Spanish ma'am.
Thank you.
(audience laughing)
God, some people have no culture.
(audience laughing)
So I was like I'm going to live with a native Spaniard
so I get to her apartmento, that's apartment.
(audience laughing)
And she wasn't there so I had to
end up waiting outside her door for an hour
with like three huge suitcases and my purse.
(audience laughing)
Finally, the lady comes home.
She's like 80 years old.
She's cute, she's adorable.
She's like this spanish Betty White.
I'm like oh my God, this is going to be amazing.
I'm living with the spanish Betty White.
She really took to me too.
She had took to me too soon.
Within three hours of being there,
I walk into the den and she's sitting on the couch
and she is there, but her hair is no longer with her.
(audience laughing)
I'm like, she had hair when I showed up.
I know she had hair when I showed up.
These are the kind of things you don't forget.
She did not have hair.
So I'm scanning the room and all of a sudden,
I see a wig just hanging on the lampshade.
I'm like oh my God, that's her hair.
Holy shit.
Oh my God.
And she's sitting there on the couch
and she just has two sprigs of curly hair.
Just two sprigs just hanging out like that.
Like that ma'am, just like ugh.
I'm like oh my God.
She showed me to my room.
I was like okay, I can handle this.
Whatever, I can get past this.
She showed me to my room.
It's the size of a closet
and at this point, I didn't know I was a lesbian yet.
What, you're a lesbian?
That's crazy, you're so feminine.
(audience laughing)
I know, I know, thank you.
So at this point, I am living in a closet
both literally and figuratively.
(audience laughing)
It's not great.
So the thing about this lady is
that she wanted to turn me into a senorita.
She wanted me to be the best future housewife
to a man ever.
She's like I've got to prepare you
for your future husband.
I'm like hmm.
I think it's going to take a lot more
than cooking and cleaning, but cool.
Like, whatever, we'll try this and so
she would hand me a broom and
I would pretend to be allergic to it.
I was like oh no.
(audience laughing)
And I even tried to get my own hair cut.
I tried to get a haircut.
I go to the beauty parlor.
That's what we call them in the south, beauty parlors.
And I go there and I tell the guy I want a trim.
You know, I want a trim.
In America, a trim is like mm, mm, mm, that much, okay?
In Spain, you end up looking like Miley Cyrus
and not in the good way.
At the end of this haircut, I'm like this.
I have no hair.
I look like Katie Lang.
That's a lesbian.
She's not great.
(audience laughing)
So I'm freaking out.
I'm like oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.
I don't know what to do and I need a friend.
I need a Betty White.
I need to eat cheesecake with somebody.
So I'm like I know what I'm going to do.
I'm going to go home and I'm going
to find the one person who understands
what it's like not to have hair.
She will understand my plight.
So I get home and I walk in the door
and I'm ready to be like hey, we're in this together.
We both don't have hair now.
We're BFF forever and she sees me walking in the door
and she looks at me like this.
(audience laughing)
I'm like excuse me?
And the she says que falla,
which I don't know if you know what this means.
Que falla means how ugly.
She said how ugly.
I'm like you have two sprigs of hair.
You have two fucking sprigs of hair.
I will fucking shank you.
I will kill you.
I will shank you you fucking two sprigs of hair.
(audience laughing)
So I was like I'm done.
I said I'm done with you.
I am done with Spain.
I will never live abroad again.
I was like I'm going to fucking Mexico
because I love hookers and I have a Groupon
(audience cheering)
- Fortune Feimester everybody.
Fortune Feimster.
Last week, in honor of Trevor Moore,
I asked you to tell me stories of road rage
and there were some great ones.
Apparently, you guys are very, very angry
when you get behind the wheel.
So here is one of the best ones that we saw.
This week for our comment section contest,
I guess we'll call it, where would you move
if you had to move somewhere?
If you started getting sick of America
and you had to go somewhere else in the world,
where would it be?
That's it everybody.
Don't forget to click on the Reddit link
to join in the conversation for this story.
Use #ThisIsNotHappening on Twitter.
Follow me on Twitter @AriShaffer.
See you next Tuesday.