♪♪
-Let's get to the news.
The White House announced over the weekend that a third batch
of classified documents was found
at President Biden's Delaware home.
You know, finding new ones every few days isn't helping.
What are you guys doing over there?
Searching one drawer at a time?
Did he hide the documents in an advent calendar?
[ Laughter ]
That's right, a third batch of classified documents was found
at President Biden's Delaware home
in a room next to his garage.
Man, is there a more Biden hiding place than the room
next to the garage?
Just telling neighbors, "Yeah, sure, you can borrow
the weed whacker. It's in the room next to the garage."
If you hit the nuclear codes, you've gone too far.
[ Laughter ]
President Biden visited Ebenezer Baptist church in Atlanta
yesterday to honor Martin Luther King Jr..
Became the first sitting President to deliver
a Sunday sermon.
And I'll tell you what, when he was done,
there was not an open eye in the house.
[ Laughter ]
After the FAA last week temporarily grounded
all domestic flight departures due to a computer outage,
it's been reported that the software responsible
is years away from a potential update.
Really? Because I feel like if you just put Apple in charge,
they'll update it every three months.
[ Laughter ]
New York mayor Eric Adams yesterday visited El Paso,
Texas, to tour immigration facilities and meet
with local officials.
Dude, you're the mayor of New York.
Why are you wandering all over the country like a dad at Sears?
"I'm going to go look at the tires."
"Dad, we're here for my school supplies."
[ Laughter ]
Lottery officials have announced that the Mega Millions
$1.35 billion jackpot was won by a single ticket holder in Maine.
And if you're wondering what they're going to buy with that,
Maine.
[ Laughter ]
The national weather service has warned that a recent drop
in temperatures in Florida could cause iguanas to enter
a dormant state and fall out of trees, which has left residents
of Florida scrambling for recipes.
[ Laughter ]
"Mom, what's in the pasta?"
[ Laughter ]
The Dallas Zoo was closed on Friday
until a 4-year-old clouded leopard named Nova
was returned to her habitat.
Oh, you mean the jungle?
[ Laughter ]
News flash -- no leopard's habitat is Dallas.
Leopard print, sure, but not leopard.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, Italy's most wanted man,
an alleged organized crime boss, Matteo Messina Denaro,
was arrested today after 30 years on the run.
He's expected to serve at least two life sentences,
plus five years consulting
on an HBO series about his life.
♪♪
President Biden hosted the NBA champion Golden State Warriors
today at the White House,
where they gave him an honorary jersey,
and he gave them the location of Israel's nukes.
"Oh, wait, hold on. I'm gonna need those back."
[ Laughter ]
The White House said yesterday
that it does not keep visitor logs
for President Biden's personal residence in Delaware.
If you want to know who visited,
you'll just have to watch "Jay Leno's Garage."
[As Leno] Eh, I think these are classified documents.
[ Laughter ]
[Normal voice] Thank you, it was very...
Oh, yeah.
[ Laughter and applause ]
[ Laughter ]
Alabama and Mississippi yesterday observed
a state holiday that honors Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.
and Confederate general Robert E. Lee.
I'm sorry, did I say "and"?
Because I definitely meant "or."
[ Laughter ]
"I like 'em both!"
[ Laughter ]
In a new episode of a podcast, former President Trump said
that he heard Florida governor Ron DeSantis may challenge him
for the Republican presidential nomination, and added, quote,
"We'll handle that the way I handle things."
So get ready, Ron --
he's gonna cheat on you.
[ Laughter ]
That's how he do.
[ Cheers and applause ]
When asked in a new interview
about Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell,
Louisiana Senator John Kennedy
said that McConnell is an enigma,
and added that he, quote, "saw him smile once back in 2017."
Said McConnell, "I remember it.
It was at the end of 'Marley & Me.'"
[ Laughter ]
[As McConnell] That was very, uh...
That Marley finally got what was coming to him.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cackles as McConnell ]
[ Laughter ]
[Normal voice] Prince William visited
the charity Together As One today for a cooking lesson
and shared his favorite cake recipe --
"tell someone to make you a cake."
[ Laughter ]
[ Chuckles ]
Missouri DMV officials recently released a list
of the 500 vanity license plates that were rejected last year,
including one that read "GOTAZZ"
on the grounds of false advertising.
[ Laughter ]
The only reason I picked that joke today --
the writers also describe what they want in the key over here,
and the writer wrote,
"A man with a flat ass,
shot in profile."
And I was curious if it would be clear that he'd got no "azz,"
and, uh...
totally is.
[ Laughter ]
Today was talk show host Maury Povich's 84th birthday,
so pretty safe to say
he's not the father.
[ Laughter ]
That joke has a flat ass.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, according to a new report,
three NFL teams are considering pursuing quarterback Tom Brady
when he becomes a free agent,
not to mention about a dozen bocci leagues.
♪♪
According to a new poll,
President Biden would defeat former president Trump
in a hypothetical 2024 election rematch by 8 points.
Pretty bad, but not as defeated as I feel
hearing about that poll.
Can we not do this yet?
[ Laughter ] It's January.
The only thing I want to hear less than a presidential poll
is a Christmas carol.
[ Laughter ]
Secretary of State Tony Blinken
sent a cable to all embassies yesterday
directing staff to switch from Times New Roman font to Calibri,
while President Biden will continue to speak in Wingdings.
[ Laughter ]
Georgia congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene
was assigned yesterday
to the House Committee on Homeland Security.
Well, she does seem to know about attacks
before they happen.
[ Laughter ]
The Treasury Department said that tomorrow,
it will begin using extraordinary measures
to keep the federal government running,
which explains this new eBay listing.
[ Laughter ]
I think they made a terrible mistake adding free shipping.
[ Laughter ]
According to a new report,
Republican congressman George Santos
allegedly stole $3,000 from a GoFundMe campaign
for a dying service dog that belonged to a disabled veteran,
and then get this, he used the money to buy dog poison.
[ Audience groans ]
Now, again, halfway through that joke,
I started thinking, "How do I think this is going to go?"
[ Laughter ]
It's a bad joke, but is it as bad...
as what he did?
[ Laughter ]
Still seems like you guys might think it's a tie.
[ Laughter ]
Looks like I'm Congress material.
[ Laughter ]
The Justice Department this week confirmed --
[ Laughter ]
The Justice Department this week confirmed a new set of policies
that incentivizes companies to report wrongdoing
in exchange for deferred prosecution,
which could prevent us from seeing
over a dozen new limited series.
[ Laughter ]
Should we unplug it and plug it back in?
[ Laughter ]
A boy in Maine recently broke a Guinness world record
by building a nearly 12,000-piece LEGO set
in just over nine hours, much to the chagrin of his parents.
"That was supposed to take you all year!"
[ Laughter ]
New York's Port Authority announced yesterday
that it will close the New Jersey-bound tube
of the Holland Tunnel next month for construction.
So if you need to go to New Jersey,
I have even more bad news.
[ Laughter ]
Authorities in Washington State are looking for a man
who allegedly tried to kidnap a barista
by pulling them through the drive-through window.
Despite the best efforts of police,
the suspect remains at venti.
[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]
Yeah. I stand by it.
I stand by it.
Today was National Thesaurus Day.
It was, yeah, good.
[ Laughter ]
And finally, the world's oldest known person, a French nun,
has reportedly died at the age of 118.
And I got to say, I'd feel pretty bad
if I was the one who bought her that skateboard.
[ Laughter ]
What happened to us?
Well, to be fair, this is only our fourth show.
1,389?
Come on.
[ Laughter ]
Now you're going to tell me it's bad luck
to make fun of a dead French nun.
[ Laughter ]
Is that her?
Why did we have to put her picture up?
[ Laughter ]
Oh, good.
Look, I don't want to blame this on you guys.
You've done nothing wrong.
[ Laughter ]
♪♪
President Biden, on Tuesday, ordered lunch from
the Washington restaurant Ghostburger
and got a burger with bacon.
Wow. First, the classified documents.
Now bacon burgers. It's like Trump never left.
I mean, what is Biden going to do next?
Oh, no!
In a series of posts yesterday on Truth Social,
former president Trump pushed back against claims
that he illegally stored classified files at Mar-a-Lago
and accused federal agents of planting documents
inside of empty folders he had taken.
Oh, you are trying anything.
That's like telling the police,
"Someone else put the cocaine there.
I just collect tiny plastic baggies."
Looks like Trump has upped his game
to try and win back the title of Most Hilarious Liar.
The first anti-abortion March for Life rally
is set to take place tomorrow in Washington, D.C.,
since the Supreme Court overturned Roe vs. Wade.
Though I'm not sure their updated chants
have the same impact.
"What do we want?" "Roe overturned."
"When do we get it?" "Last year."
[ Laughter ]
The Justice Department announced the arrest of
the Russian founder of a cryptocurrency exchange
in Miami this week on charges of laundering over $700 million.
The DOJ first became suspicious when he was a Russian in Miami.
Florida governor Ron DeSantis criticized the NHL last week
for plans to hold a hiring event aimed at
diversifying the league's workforce.
Imagine how racist you have to be
to think that hockey isn't white enough.
[ Cheers and applause ] Rapper -- This is exciting news.
Rapper Snoop Dogg is set to be inducted into
the Songwriters Hall of Fame,
which is the songwriting profession's highest person.
According to the latest numbers,
there are 1,400 stores in New York that are
illegally selling marijuana and at least 1,400 other stores
that are deeply grateful for that.
The Senate Judiciary Committee has announced
that it will hold a hearing next week on
Ticketmaster's mishandling of Taylor Swift's ticket sales,
and even that's sold out.
According to a new study, men who take Viagra
decrease their risk of developing heart disease
by nearly 40%.
So even more bad news for exhausted grandmas.
He's going to be around for a while.
And, finally, health officials in Canada
released new guidelines this week
that say no amount of alcohol is healthy.
But take that with a grain of salt
and a wedge of lime.
That was a monologue, everybody!
♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]