Melbourne a city where a haircut can make up over 80% of someone's personality
Melbourne is the cultural heart of Australia in the same way that a turd is the heart of a turd sandwich
Unless you like traffic, overpriced food and a public transport system from the 1970s, then Melbourne's not the place for you
So whatever you do, don't come here. Tonight on go away, I'll show you why
Its Cold !!
If you enjoy being stuck in a confined space with people you don't know
Trams are a great way to get around
Melbourne got rid of its tram inspectors years ago, which means all trams are now free
Turns out they still do have tram inspectors
Melbourne is the sporting capital of the world. If by world, you mean Victoria.
Melbourne is controlled by a brutal warlord named Eddie McGuire. He rules city with an iron fist. He governs a system of warring gangs
Associated with the bizarre cold known as the AFL if you are wearing the wrong colored scarf your life is in genuine danger
Eddie McGuire wouldn't let me on his radio show so I had to make do with the voice of Melbourne Tom Elliott. Tom Gleeson, good afternoon.
Thanks for having me Tom
What's Go Away all about?
It's a travel show where I travel around Australia and I warn people about shitholes they should never visit
And this week I'm doing Melbourne
Wait a minute, you want to say Melbourne is a place that people should not visit.
Yeah, well, it doesn't have any views. It's very flat. No harbour no beaches
The only thing you can stare into is your own existential angst
you say we haven't got features, We've got the Penguins walking up at Phillip Island every night
That's a mudflat
Bus loads full of tourists going during the great ocean road
Tram loads of people going where they don't want to go
People love the trams
A tram is just a bus with no options.
Desperate for a view I visited the coast
Welcome to the biggest joke in Melbourne St Kilda beach
The beach is home to a wide variety of marine life including plastic bags, dirty nappies and fecal bacteria
Melbourne is one of the easiest, airports to get to.
And once you've arrived You'll immediately feel like a local, because there's no train link to the city
So you can sit in traffic for hours just like all the no hopers that live here
After you for our journey through traffic from the airport
The first thing you'll see is the Melbourne Star observation wheel
The wheel is built on reclaimed land and yet to be reclaimed by tourists. One revolution takes an hour
So you have plenty of time to take in the majestic view of the traffic jam you have just escaped
The wheel is open 365 days a year unless it's broken which happens pretty regularly
Sometimes when people are on it, so pack a lunch and something to piss in
Melbourne's lane-ways are so dreary to look at, public vandalism is considered an improvement
There are hidden gems all over Melbourne. Some of the best cafes and restaurants are hidden behind closed doors and even the quietest of places
Let's take a look
Great wine bar, mate!
You can't come to Melbourne without trying their signature drink
COFFEE
Melbourne's coffee has to be good to distract you from the full-body agony of sitting on milk crates
Hey, where are the toilets?
Sorry mate we don't have any. Oh, you just pumped four shots of coffee into me
and now I'm going to shit myself because you're too cool to have a toilet
So there you have it Melbourne would be a great place to see if it hadn't disappeared up its own ass
So when a Victorian tells you for the hundredth time that Melbourne is the world's most livable city. Tell them to go away
I ordered a beer