(upbeat music)
- I hate small talk, I really do.
I hate, like, getting to know people.
Like, I hate all the little questions
you have to ask to get to know someone.
Like, if I'm making a new friend,
I just want to already be best friends, you know?
Or dating, I just want to already be deeply in love.
I don't wanna have to trot through
all the getting-to-know-you questions where it's like,
Well, whereabouts do you hail from?
Where do you hail from? I need answers.
(crowd laughing)
Where? And then it's like, oh, okay, yeah.
I'd never been to that town,
but I've been to a nearby town so I can kind of imagine.
(screaming) (crowd laughing)
I would like small talk if it were socially acceptable
to make those sounds during it. (crowd laughs)
You're just like, oh,
your favorite color is purple? (screams)
Then I would love it.
I just hate that feeling like when you don't know someone
and any little thing, they say, you have to stretch it out,
you know, turn it into something, you know, they'll be like,
yeah, we had cats growing up, we were a cat family.
And I'll be like, oh, you guys were a cat family?
We were a dog family, uh-oh, uh-oh,
(crowd laughing) controversy.
(crowd laughs)
Then you find out you're not that compatible as friends,
but you still run into that random person all over town
at the local smoothie shop, you know?
And you have to be like, oh my God, you still exist.
You know, they'll always be like, we should do lunch.
You know the thing that people who hate each other do.
We should do lunch.
I always push it a little bit, just to call their bluff.
I'm like we should rent a car and drive up the coast,
(crowd laughs)
Let's buy some lumber and learn how to build.
Just want to get to know you through task-based projects.
Everyone's different.
And when you don't know each other well,
you can't read each other as well, right?
Like some people are big casual huggers.
They love to hug, they come at you at a party, hey!
It's annoying, cause there's no,
I don't like hugging that much.
Just like someone I'm not that into like,
I'll hug my lover while he's inside me, you know.
(crowd laughs)
for the duration.
But I'm not a big stranger hugger.
I don't really want your sweaty armpits
on top of my shoulder tops.
But there's no polite way to turn it down.
Like if someone's coming at you,
like you can't just be like, oh no thank you.
I've already hugged someone today, thank you.
But I kind of figured out a way
that you can thwart an unwanted hug.
Like when someone runs at you like this,
you just grabbed their hands and you go,
yay! (crowd laughs)
I also have some little party tricks.
Sometimes I'll bust out, you know,
to lighten the mood at a party,
I'll go up to someone, hey, let me show you a party trick.
Do you want to see a party trick?
Okay, relax your arms, relax your arms.
And then I'll just grab their neck as hard as I can,
just squeeze it, make lots of eye contact.
Almost like, I fucking hate parties.
(crowd laughing)
- Heard a lot of people say
that what they miss most right now
is being able to hug people, right?
They can't wait for this all to be over
so they can start hugging again.
Yeah, not me.
(crowd laughs)
I have always hated hugs.
And my whole life, I've just had to let it happen
because it's a hard thing to tell people.
There's no good time to do it.
You can't stop somebody as they're coming in for a hug,
cause that's rude.
Right? But you can't really tell somebody
before they try and hug you either,
like, just in case you were thinking about it.
(crowd laughs)
And people assume things about you when you're not a hugger.
They're like, oh, something must have happened to her.
She's a germaphobe probably or just a bitch or whatever.
It's like, none of those things for me.
I'm just claustrophobic.
I don't like being wrapped up, it makes me anxious.
Right? That's why I'm loving online church.
(crowd laughs)
Black folks know what I'm talking about.
I don't know what happens at white people church,
but at black church, there is a lot of forced hugging.
(crowd laughs)
Get up out your seat and greet three people,
go hug somebody, I be like,
what about just double up on this tithe?
Would that be all right?
Can I hug the building fund instead?
(crowd laughs)
And it's not like I never hug, obviously.
It's just that like, I like to save my hugs
for like when it counts.
Like somebody I haven't seen in a very long time,
somebody I missed, a special occasion, right?
Or somebody who gave me a Netflix Special,
I'll hug Tiffany, she changed me life.
(crowd applauds) It was worth a hug.
But that hugging people you see all the time,
like casual, uh-uh, I'm not with it, like what is that?
Oh, I ain't seen ya in hours, let's touch titties.
Like, no let's not.
Let's not touch titties.
But it'd be different if I saw my grandmother.
Cause that's obviously a different situation, you know?
Course she died in 1993.
So if she came back from the dead,
I be like, yo, Nana, let's hug it out,
this a special, I missed you.
Now put this mask on, so you don't die again.
It's nice to have you back. (crowd laughs)
- That's why I came down here, man.
I'm telling you, I came out here to tell you guys,
you got to stop hugging your children.
(crowd laughs)
You are ruining this country.
Now you can hug your daughters,
you got to do that, you got to do that,
hug those hooker shoes right out of them.
Let them know that you're a good man.
And to find another man like you, you got to do that.
But your son, you can hug them a little bit.
But every three, four,
you gotta fucking knock 'em down, right?
Come on, it didn't hurt, get up.
(crowd laughing)
Look, I wasn't, I didn't come from a family.
I don't know about you guys.
I didn't come from a touchy feely.
call me when you get there. (imitates kissing sounds)
None of that shit.
First time my mom hugged me, I think it was like,
once when I was little and then when I moved out,
that was it. (crowd laughs)
We only hugged because we knew we were supposed to.
So we just tried to like,
it was like two parking meters came to life.
We almost bumped heads.
It was horrific, fucking horrific.
Do you know to this day, sometimes I drive down the street
and I think about that hug?
And it's just so, it makes me, it's so awful,
I have to like shout the memory out of my head.
I'll just be driving down the street, just be like,
(screams) (crowd laughs)
Anybody else like that?
Do you ever have to like shout stuff out of your head?
Like, there's something about me,
like all my regret comes up when I'm in the shower.
I don't know what it is.
I think cause I'm in the shower and I have time to think.
And I'll just think of I did in like third grade
where I just made an ass of myself
and I just will be in the shower, just being like,
(screams) (crowd laughs)
And my wife's always just like, is everything okay in there?
I'll just be like, yeah, just accidentally
turned on the hot water, turned it on too much.
(imitating wife's voice) Everyday?
(crowd laughing)
I actually asked my mother one time
when I finally got out in the world
and I saw how other families interacted,
I finally asked her one day, I was like,
how come we never did the hugging thing?
You know what I mean, how come we didn't do that stuff?
She's like, well, I wanted to hug you kids
when you were little, but I was afraid
it was going to make you gay.
(crowd laughs)
And I was like, you were afraid, you were afraid?
And then she goes, well, it was your father.
That's what it was. I was protecting him like I always do.
He was afraid, he said, you don't know how to raise boys.
And if you hug them that's what's going to happen.
In a marriage there's compromises.
(crowd laughs)
So she basically never hugged us,
cause my dad said if she did,
it was going to make us gay.
(crowd laughs)