(upbeat music)
- Hey everybody, Mark Manson here.
Welcome to the Find My Purpose course.
What the hell is purpose? Why does it matter?
Where are we going? Why are we here?
I can't feel my legs.
Purpose: Purpose is a concept that's often misunderstood.
I find that a lot of people email me about purpose.
They come to me with questions
about what their meaning in life is.
How do they find their one true calling
or how they get a greater sense
of meaning through their actions?
And, I wanna start this course off by just getting very,
very clear about what purpose is and why it's important.
Let's start with what it is.
I'm gonna be honest with you for a second.
This is Mark being vulnerable.
This is me making a confession.
I fucking hate the term purpose.
I hate the question, "How do I find my purpose?"
It even hurts me a little bit to create a course
with this as a title.
But, what people are referring to when they talk
about purpose is so important and it is so meaningful
that I just suck it up and deal with it.
But, why do I hate the term purpose?
Well, I hate the term purpose
because ultimately purpose is
just something you make up in your head.
It's essentially deciding that something is important
and then doing it because you feel it's important.
So, in that sense, you can literally find purpose anywhere.
I could find purpose in doing the dishes.
I could find purpose in taking out the trash.
I could find purpose in laying in bed
and watching Netflix all day if I choose to.
It's the subjectivity and the complete arbitrariness
of this idea of purpose that drives me a little bit crazy.
What I find is that when people are asking questions
about purpose or searching for purpose,
really what they're asking is,
"I want to find an important use of my time.
I want to spend my life doing something
that feels meaningful.
I want to do something that feels important,
that I can be proud of."
And so, that's a very different question
than this cosmic purpose out there
that's going to solve all of your problems.
It's important that people find meaningful activities
to spend their time doing
and the reason this is important is because a lot
of the low level tactical stuff that people come
to personal development for are actually solved
by this purpose question.
For example, a lot of people struggle with motivation.
They look up tips on how to be more motivated at work
and how to be more productive and how to get up earlier
and how to get the eight things done on their to-do list.
Well, there are a lot of little tactics and strategies
that you can implement to be more productive.
But, if you fuckin' hate your job
and you think it's completely pointless,
then none of those tactics
and strategies are gonna matter long-term.
Whereas, if you love your job
and you think the work you're doing is extremely important,
then a lot of that tactical stuff
about motivation isn't gonna matter.
You're gonna be excited to get up each day and work on it.
Similarly, people look for little tactics
and strategies to optimize their relationships,
to have better friendships, to network better,
to bring more intimacy into the relationships
that they have with other people.
Well, sure, there are little things you can do.
There are little lines you can text to people to check in
or ask them how they feel about certain topics
that generate a little bit more intimacy.
I mean, yeah, there's all these little things
that benefit you at the margin.
But, ultimately, the thing that matters
in relationships is having a shared sense of purpose,
having shared values, having shared goals,
and visions, and dreams, and worldviews.
That's what binds people together.
So, if you haven't figured out the purpose question
or the, "What do I find important in life" question,
then relationships, developing that intimacy
in relationships, is going to be a problem.
So, for all these reasons,
the question of purpose is actually extremely practical.
It's just that this question
of purpose gets completely butchered in most
of the self-help world.
Purpose is seen as this cosmic meaning,
this predetermined universal destiny that each one of us has
and if we just find that one sense of purpose or meaning,
then everything kind of falls into place
and we never have these cosmic questions ever again.
That's just not true. Purpose is an ongoing creation.
It's not something you find.
You're not looking under a rock like,
"Oh fuck, there's my purpose! So glad I found it."
No, purpose is something that you create and you maintain
and sometimes you lose and you have to go create it again.
Now, the truth isn't nearly as sexy or marketable
as the cosmic meaning definition of purpose.
But, it's actually more helpful.
I think it's very important to understand a few things
about purpose before we start to dive in to the question
of how do we create purpose for ourselves?
So, the first myth that I see out there or the first mistake
that I see a lot of people make is this idea
that there's a single purpose for each of us.
It's just not true. It's not true at all.
You can have many, many purposes in your life.
You can find meaning or feel
that you're using your time well, doing many things.
It's picking your kid up
from school can feel like it has a lot
of meaning and purpose and then you go back to work
and that feels like it has a lot of meaning and purpose
and then you call your dad
and watch the basketball game together
and that feels like it has a lot of meaning and purpose
and then you get in the bed and relax with your partner
and that feels like it has a lot of meaning and purpose.
So, meaning and purpose, it comes from a lot
of different areas of our life and I would even argue
that it's healthy to diversify our sense
of purpose throughout our life.
If you're only getting purpose and meaning from one thing,
and then that thing is taken from you,
well, then you're fucked.
Then you're gonna have a deep existential crisis
and feel like your life is meaningless.
But, if you're able to derive purpose and meaning
from multiple sources throughout your life,
and then one of them is taken from you,
then you can fall back on the other sources
of meaning and purpose.
So, this idea that we have one true calling
in the world is bullshit and it's usually something made up
by other people long after you've actually lived it.
We can look back today and say
that Winston Churchill's purpose was defeating Adolf Hitler
in World War II.
But, if you were actually Winston Churchill living his life,
you had many, many sources of purpose and you had many,
many things happen throughout your life
that felt extremely meaningful before you even got
to World War II.
This idea that people have this singular purpose on earth
and have a singular role in humanity, it's just bullshit.
It's another version of the narrative fallacy in psychology.
The idea that it's very easy
to construct a simple narrative looking backwards in time.
But, in the present, everything is ambiguous and uncertain.
Now, the second mistake I see a lot around the idea
of purpose is that it is a static,
constant thing throughout our lives,
that you find that one thing you care about and boom,
the next 50 years until the day you die,
that's what you're all about.
Now, this happens to some people.
But, I think they are actually the exception.
I think what's actually more common is
that your purpose changes and evolves through time.
What matters and feels very important to you
at 20 is different from what matters and feels important
to you at 30 and is again different than what matters
and feels important at 40.
In fact, I would say that this is probably a good thing
that what you find important changes throughout your life
because it means you're growing and evolving and changing
and exploring more aspects of who you can be
and, let me put it this way, what I thought was meaningful
and important at 20 was dumb as fuck.
So, I'm actually really glad
that my purpose has evolved quite a bit
over the last 20 years.
And, finally, the third mistake that I see people make
with the idea of purpose is that purpose solves everything.
Purpose does not solve everything.
It solves some things.
Having purpose, it's kind of like psychological food.
Eating does not solve every problem in your life.
But, if you don't eat, you can't really solve anything else.
Purpose kind of functions the same way
with us psychologically.
Having a sense of purpose and meaning in our lives,
it doesn't solve every problem in our lives.
You're still gonna live with doubt and uncertainty.
You're still gonna wake up cranky some mornings.
You're still gonna feel unmotivated.
One thing I wrote years ago
that's been very popular is I said that,
"Even if you have your dream job,
you're gonna hate it about 30% of the time."
Finding this huge sense of meaning in your life,
it doesn't necessarily negate a lot of these questions
and uncertainties that you struggle with.
It just them easier to deal with and allows you
to find better problems to focus on.
But, if you don't have that sense of meaning
and purpose in your life,
then everything else is kind of impossible.
It's kind of impossible to feel content or satisfied.
A lot of your relationships are gonna be difficult.
Your career's gonna be difficult.
You're developing motivation to do things is
gonna be difficult.
So, purpose is necessary, but not sufficient
for happiness and wellbeing.
For that reason, I think it's good to see developing a sense
of purpose and meaning in your life as a skill
that you can hone and develop so that, inevitably,
when those moments come where you start
to feel a lack of purpose,
you know how to go about finding purpose
or creating purpose for yourself again.
So, now that we've gotten all those caveats and definitions
and me just being an ornery, cranky old man,
now that we've gotten all that out of the way,
let's talk about finding purpose.
No, cross that out, creating purpose.
Purpose is essentially the feeling
that you are spending your time well
and that your challenges are meaningful.
Purpose can be found in a lot of different things.
It can be found in a close relationship with somebody.
It can come from a passion for a cause that you believe in.
It can come from achieving goals.
It can also just come from really,
really enjoying what you're doing.
But, ultimately, long-term purpose is a sense
that something matters more than yourself.
Purpose is an activity or an idea or a person
or a relationship that you are willing to sacrifice for,
that you're willing to give something up for it.
Not only are you willing,
but you're pleased with giving something up for it
and this is why people who lack a sense of purpose tend
to suffer from all of these kind of low level,
tactical, obnoxious little problems.
They struggle to be motivated.
They struggle to get up in the morning.
They struggle to care about what they're doing
and they struggle to maintain healthy relationships
and it's ultimately because they don't have that thing
or things that matter more than themselves.
You could almost say that a sense of purpose is
inversely correlated with narcissism or selfishness.
Generally, people who are extremely selfish
or self-centered, don't see other things
as more important than themselves
so they're never willing to make that sacrifice
and so their time ultimately doesn't feel very meaningful
and, as a result, they need to cover up that lack of meaning
with a bunch of highs and excitement and drama
and bullshit emotions that don't actually matter to anybody.
And so, if you were one of those people,
if you're one of those people that's always trying
to fill the void with the next high or the next piece
of drama or excitement, then one of the first
and most practical things you can do is
simply drop the selfishness/narcissism a little bit.
Experiment with what does it feel like
to not make yourself the center of the universe so much?
What does it feel like to put somebody else before yourself
or to put an idea or a goal before your own pleasure?
Now, in the short term, doing that is no fun.
It's not fun to make a sacrifice for somebody.
It's not fun to give up things you enjoy
to accomplish a long-term goal.
But, what you find is that the more you do that,
the more you're imbued with a sense of meaning and purpose,
the more satisfied you feel with yourself,
and the less you feel compelled
to fill the void, so to speak.
But, don't worry!
We'll be getting a lot more into that as the course goes on.
Essentially, this question of purpose,
it's a question of values.
It's a question of how do you find things
that you deem important and then how do you fill your time
with those things that you deem important?
And, I think what you're going to find is
that there are very few tactical
or strategic things you can do to do that.
Most of this question of purpose and meaning,
it's a question of perspective.
It's a question of values.
It's a question of what are you choosing to make important
in your life and how can you choose something better?
So, the first exercise to get this course rolling is
to basically just do an audit of your sense
of purpose in life.
Do you feel a sense of purpose in life?
From what aspects of your life
do you feel a sense of purpose?
Do you feel a sense of purpose in your work?
Do you feel a sense of purpose in your relationships?
Do you feel like you have good goals
that you're making progress towards?
Do you feel like you're making meaningful sacrifices?
If so, what makes that sacrifice meaningful?
Take some time to think about it and I just want
to reassure you that it's totally okay to answer no
to all these questions.
It's totally okay to realize that you don't feel purpose
in any of these activities and that none
of these sacrifices feel particularly meaningful
because that's why we're here.
So, take some time. Do an honest audit of yourself.
Write as much as you feel is necessary.
Really try to dig down into what actually feels meaningful
and important in your life and what doesn't.
It's okay if it doesn't. We're all there at some point.
So, get to work on that and I will see you
at the next lesson.
(upbeat music)