Why Codependents have a hard time holding onto their own reality
how beautiful you to family least a reminder here the breakthrough lifecodes
and today I want to talk about why it's so hard for co-dependent to own their
realities and I'll tell you what i mean you have a have a conversation with
someone if your Cody panic on new as you have where you begin to discuss how you
feel about something and then you begin to worry about the other person's
perception of you and let's say for instance you are upset about something
and you confront your spouse your confront your best friend and let's say
it's about you saying that you don't want to go to this party and you as a
codependent have finally found the courage to start speaking your truth so
that's reality a meaning reality is my reality I do not like to go to that
party that's tough enough if you're co-dependent to hold on to that reality
I mean if you were really co-dependent you're worried about what everybody else
thinks about you not want to go to that party you you're already wobbly and
losing your right
own reality a so let's say you finally you're out of place where you're telling
the truth and you you have the courage to tell your friends listen I decided
that I don't like go to that party that you holding on to you and your job is to
hold onto reality a no matter what your friends says about your reality that's
tough to do when your co-dependent so let's say your friend I don't know karen
says well I want you to go to the party with me your job is to hold on to your
reality in spite of Karen's reality reality be karen has a different reality
karen has a different agenda Karen wants to you too I don't know just be her
sidekick
or she feels more comfortable when you're there but you don't want to hang
out with Karen for whatever reasons you know karen drinks too much karen's loud
karen's obnoxious Karen can't stop flirting with every man that walks by
Karen's the girl that she's that girl that throws up at the end of every night
out
karen's that girl that has to have all the attention on her she can shut up
blah blah blah and you don't like it you don't want them to dinner with my
friends like you know it all but carries a girl that against you now I just
explained to you I didn't realize it but that's another reality so that's your
perception of Karen when she goes out so that's another one of your hold on to
your boundaries deal one thats your reality you're right to that reality you
have a right to experience this woman the way you experience her the gold will
wrote coming through the veil thats co-dependency and we begin to wake up
and we're processing this information and new data with new IRA's new eyes
differentiating reality a reality from reality be your reality or someone
else's reality so you've told you don't want to go
currents of set karen's you know she's where co-dependent recorded with the
kids was coated with our friends and so parents give you some pushback and she
wants to try to get you to jump out of your reality and jump into her reality
in care more about her reality so what we wanna do in this situation is observe
what comes out us serbs irv her reality she's going to explain to you what she
thinks and what she wants
that's fine everybody has a right to their own reality and so if you listen
with proper years you'll begin to understand
that karen has a right to her perception of you karen has a right to want you to
go there's no harm in that
karen has a right to feel about you the way she wants to feel about you even if
how she feels about you and very nice she has that right so we have to learn
to demystify what it means when we are not doing what other people want us to
do we're not bad because we can't make everybody else happy it's not our
responsibility to make everybody else happy our responsibilities to come here
connect to live a life that would say that's within our self within our heart
which is our compass which is on North Star that's where I GPS you know it's
our job to come here and connect with that divinity and then to know what we
feel so that we can learn to set boundaries and move forward according to
our boundaries at the red flags that we experienced in life that so many of us
ignore god knows I have that is divine guidance thats intuition that's our
sixth sense you know dolphins they have a sixth sense you know how many birds
have a success nature everything's about that sixth sense that since you can't
see we accept that you know birds of a feather flock together we accept that
there's something going on perhaps on Microsoft are happening we accept there
there's something there that is guiding and device and attracting people to one
another and that that is invisible it is vibrational it's instinctual its
intuitive so we have difficulty holding onto our realities because our mamas in
our Pop us taught us that our reality
mothers and fathers taught us that we need to worry about their reality so
fast forward 30 years
hanging out with Karen issues like model what you come out come hang out with me
on Friday AM I want to meet up with a few people there are two years later you
know you've conferences function home yo mama schizophrenic or depressed or
amount as a ranger mom is a screamer mom was an alcoholic I don't know all these
dysfunctional problems you know fast for over thirty years later and you're an
adult child and dysfunctional home and someone asks you a very simple question
and it literally jacks you up like you don't know how to answer because you
don't you know you were never taught that what you think and feel is
important and so you just react to what's being said and so often times you
know you know when I think about being co-dependent in my heyday of
codependency you know I was like six years old you know I'm generous when I
say oh I was I was operating perhaps like a forty year old I'm being generous
because that's true I don't think that I was at even 14 I think healthy fourteen
year old has a sense of self has some direction and her life is in touch with
who she is what makes her happy I don't have any known I was deflecting pain my
whole life and I was still seeking validation and so for this video
it's really just want to drive home drive home the issue that on the road to
recovery it's really important that we begin to understand this concept of
realities and not at all of the shares in reality you know some say potato some
say pataki you know and people have had an
a stupid silly arguments over how to pronounce potato will but I was crazy
I'm allowed to have my reality of a situation and if I hundred people in the
room every reality is valid for that person
my job is to into it and figure out who is a like-minded person who can see me
because I can see everybody has an empath I can see everybody my job is to
figure out who can see me who can flow love back because in that situation I
get the opportunity to grow and to expand in a situation where I attract
someone who has he is unable to see me who is self focus and pass and
co-defendants are other focused so guess what happens so when you could have any
other focus you bump into a narcissist or a very aggressive co-dependent less
attractive co-dependent they're going to be more self focus so in that situation
let's say I attracted narcissus in that situation he's other for resale focus
I'm other focus 02 people are focused on his ass and I am I not part of the
equation I don't even realize it i mean people who go an entire lifetime sixty
seventy eighty years old and wake up and realize that they were not part of the
relationships that they were in and that's so sad so sad so the work that I
do is about encouraging empowering enlightening and really really shedding
it was sharing information that has helped me on the road to recovery and so
when you're out and about today and please write this in your notebooks I
take the stairs while you're out and about today
see if you can pull back and listen to people and observe the varying realities
crazy codependents
codependent recovery
that are coming at you
the toughest thing for you will be when you are butting up against some
or with someone who has a reality of you that is painful it happens when we bump
into people who especially remind us of our family of origin and so in my case
and in lots of my clients cases when when they got divorced they confront
assertively they come face-to-face with the idea that mommy or daddy see them in
a false way for me so often you know growing up in my family I felt in my
heart
they didn't seem like they didn't know who I was all about it was impossible
for me to let my guard down because I was felt like they were insensitive they
were and they enjoyed picking on me and triangulation was rampant in my family
and my family was one that liked to humiliate each other you know in front
of other people that is like a cardinal rule like you have if you do that it's
doing that as people especially children and your spouse stop it
knocking off unnecessary it's damaging his violent so just cause you're not
using a chainsaw that doesn't mean you're not shopping people up you are so
so when you grow up in a home where you don't feel safe
your retreat inside yourself and it's very difficult because for so many
reasons for me personally I had when I had to let go of the fact that my family
just couldn't see me that in understand me they don't understand understand who
I was there were obtained from a long line of dysfunctional alcoholics you
know suicide is just a freakin mess so walking away from that I had to also let
go it was so difficult to let go like they think I'm a bitch they think I'm
selfish they think I'm just being ridiculous they think that I'm over
emotional they think that I'm acting they think that I'm making this stuff up
you know my feelings don't matter to them
them and it was so difficult to kind of like you know lay down their arms and
just say I cannot change the way you see me you know I can I change that at all
you know and that's what I mean about that was the lesson in it for me and
that I'm trying to share with you is that I had to learn to accept their
reality even though their reality was painful for me to accept I had to learn
to accept that they have a right to perceive me do whatever filter was
activated in their head and there was nothing I could do about that really
really nothing that I could do about that and that was just like ridiculous
ridiculously painful I had to accept my reality and my reality was you people
hurt me and I have to go no contact for a while and see what happens you know
just kind of like though the spaghetti up against the wall so you see what
happens you know so much of recovery is is is unchartered waters when you're in
recovery
you know it can be so exciting as long as you approach it with that type of a
mindset you know I heard allan lots a journal lecture on YouTube screwed up
but I'll paraphrase she said Sunday that was quite really it was like you want
life to be exciting because if it's not it's just repeating the path so what
he's basically saying is that you know if every day is everyday is what
yesterday was and the day before while the month before in the week before you
can you can you can think about destruction marriages so it's
dysfunctional now
and chances are if you know you don't get on the same bored you know it's not
going to work and so what will happen is the last couple of years will just
continue the manifest into the future so you really not living you just you just
visiting the past which is incredibly brilliant if you stop and think about it
recovery work is is exciting but it's also nerve-wracking because you're
you're in a situation that you've never been in before I'm trying to basically
teacher had to think and use your brains your advantage we have been taught to
process information
well actually as children we we were radio receivers of information and
everything I filtered through our hearts not information that shunted into our
brain and I brainstormed ideas about who we thought we were based on what we
perceived outside of us outside of us to mom and dad and then over time what
happens is we're stuck in our heads and we forget we forget that were supposed
to be feeling and if you came from a really really really dysfunctional home
what will happen is you'll be afraid to connect to that feeling space you'll
just shut it off and you live in a state of survival cortisol is running rampant
you can't learn you can access prefrontal cortex you live in a state of
survival
do you suffer from fear paralysis I mean there are so many things that go wrong
when you're living in the state of fear and don't forget you on your views of
home is not just one that that is obviously abusive you know where kids
are getting beat and criticized and made fun of and harassed and neglected and
star no I mean you can call from 10 emotionally neglectful home like Rafa
back too much you know dear Robin Williams was left alone here spent most
of his attic playing a little soldiers yeah ok it opened up his creative model
which i think is also but we think about an only child who's being raised by
amaze mom and dad don't give a shit
shift about him an adequate himself you know that's horrible horrible and he
wasn't be stuck cigarettes in space but thats neglect and abuse so what I want
you to take away from this video again is the idea of owning reality a reality
is your reality and learning to understand that other people have a
right to their reality and that it's your job to stay in your reality in
spite of what someone else's reality is and also pay attention to when you get a
little bit wobbly and undoubtedly you will she pay attention to when you get
wobbly and you feel yourself worrying about the other person's reality okay
and if it's very difficult to accept that someone else has a reality of you
thats people but start playing with those ideas because that will help you
milk detachment and eventually you'll be able to relate to people on a much
healthier level on an interdependent level so instead of two people like
leaning on each other it's like this face to face you know and we support one
another so dear ones please let me know how you are you receive this video I
have a tell-all class then I will be giving on October 24th at Saturday at 12
noon eastern standard time if you have not join my newsletter at least a Romano
dot com in self-esteem dot com I suggest that you do please do all the
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it is my pleasure to come into your heart and intuition to open your minds
today dear ones I truly truly appreciate this opportunity to help you heal
Codependency and Narcissists
path to enlightenment namaste