Hi.
That's how I came in today.
Every day I'm going to surprise you.
I can't see.
Yeah, I crawled in and surprised him from behind the chair.
Silly.
And tWitch is there with his little baby girl.
And she's happy and she's smiling because she sees me.
Aw.
Oh, she's so happy to see me.
[CHUCKLES]
Yay.
Got a little dress on.
Oh, she's cute.
Ridiculous.
Hi, everybody.
Sorry.
I didn't say hello.
Hope you're happy and healthy and safe and inside,
like I am, and not outside with the murder hornets, like Andy.
Have you heard about the murder hornets?
I have.
And I've been looking out for them a lot.
So there are these giant deadly hornets
that have been spotted in the United States
for the very first time.
So you know what?
Andy, let me see if you see one because that
would be great for research.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Just remember, Andy--
Honestly.
--you're more afraid of them than they are of you.
[LAUGHS] That's actually true.
If you see one, though--
Yeah?
--you should stand completely still.
OK.
Yeah.
Or run in a zigzag.
I can't remember which it is.
I can't remember if you're supposed to stand still or run.
Oh, God.
Anyway, let me know if you see one.
California's still under stay-at-home order.
Some states are starting to reopen slowly
with essential businesses.
One place that we all have to go is the grocery store.
It's the one place keeping food on our tables
and toilet paper on our--
what do you call the thing, the spring-loaded tube that holds
the--
Paper holder.
I don't know if it's called a paper holder.
Spring-loaded toilet paper holder.
Yeah.
Anyway, I want to say thank you to all the grocery
store workers out there keeping America running.
[CLAPPING]
Yes, exactly.
If it was, like, three to five years from now,
I'd hug each and every one of you.
Please less than five years.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
I want to talk about some rules that we all
need to follow when we go to the grocery store,
because it's not the same as it used to be.
It used to be simple.
You know, you used to be able to go in.
You'd grab a 40 ounce of beer, some Kraft Mac and Cheese,
a carton of Virginia Slims, home pregnancy test,
and you'd get out.
[LAUGHS]
But now, the rules at the grocery store
have gotten so much more complicated.
First you have to line up outside, six feet apart.
If you're not sure what six feet is, look at Andy out there.
You picture two of those stacked on top of each other.
That is six feet.
[LAUGHTER]
Oh my god.
Yeah.
Also you have to wear a mask.
They're mandatory now, but you should've been wearing one
even before it was mandatory.
And we've had a month to get used to this,
so you better have a real mask by now.
No more Halloween masks or underwear
on your head or pickle jars.
Look at this, tWitch.
Look at this guy.
This is what this guy did.
Wow.
See, that's--
Yeah.
That's doing a bit much.
Yeah, that's week two amateur stuff.
That's clever, but you know, by now, we should have masks.
I just want to say also, if you need a mask--
and they've sold out already, but we're restocking--
the Ellen Store has great masks.
All proceeds are going to charity.
Yes.
We've already given a few hundred thousand dollars
to charity.
Yes, but they've sold out, which I like,
but we need to hurry up.
We're making more, but anyway.
While we're at it, wear gloves.
They're not mandatory, but wear them to be safe.
Everyone knows that the eyes are the window to the soul,
but the hands are the gateway to cooties.
[LAUGHS]
If a grocery store lets in 30 customers at a time,
they've allowed--
that's basically-- do the math--
300 fingers.
Who knows where those fingers have been?
Also, don't stop to have a long conversation with someone
that you know in a grocery store.
You're taking up valuable social distancing space.
It's probably not even the person
you know because you can't even tell who's under the mask.
The other day I thought I was talking to my friend
Steve at the grocery store.
Turns out it wasn't at a grocery store.
I was getting gas.
And I don't have a friend named Steve.
[LAUGHS]
But my point is, it's just hard to see with the masks.
That's my point.
And please, please, if you're coughing and sneezing,
turn around, go home, go back to the grocery store another day.
Nobody needs that.
If you so much as sniffle, the whole store
will be mad at you--
really.
People just turn and look at you.
If you're in a grocery store and you
do feel a cough or a sneeze coming on,
go to the paper towel aisle and let it out.
[LAUGHS]
That section is like an abandoned ghost town
because there haven't been paper towels since January.
Which reminds me, don't hoard.
And finally, this clip is from before the apocalypse,
but it bears repeating.
Don't ever, ever, ever do this, ever.
That wasn't OK in the old normal.
It's not OK in the new normal.
It's not OK in any-- there's no normal about that.
Nothing.
All right.
I need to get that image out of my head.
Let's talk to tWitch. tWitch, you there?
The baby's gone?
Yep.
Yep, we're here.
Everybody's in full effect.
We're good.
What up, tWitch?
What's up, Andy?
How you doing?
Just two dudes and Ellen.
Hey.
[LAUGHTER]
Yep, it's a really good sitcom, "Two Dudes and Ellen."
"Two Dudes and Ellen."
Have you been to the grocery store this week, tWitch?
I have not been this week, but I definitely went last week.
And there are a few rule-breakers-- none
to the effect of, like, the soup-sipping dude.
That's disgusting.
Yeah.
I understand.
Well, stay safe.