(ominous techno music)
(school bell ringing)
- My parents are outta town this weekend.
You know what that means.
- Party; sick.
Let's invite everyone.
Well, maybe not everyone.
- Hey, I'm not like that.
You must be the new kid.
- Yeah.
Tut.
- Ramses.
I'm havin' a party this weekend if you wanna join.
- I don't need your pity.
- Whoa, pity?
- Maybe you've never looked in a mirror before,
but you and I are not the same.
I don't like beer.
I like reading, and I don't like football.
I like reading.
I'm not going to any party.
I'm gonna be at the library.
Reading.
- Whoa.
What a jerk.
- I don't know.
I like him.
(insects buzzing)
Oh, (beep), locusts!
Good God!
- (beep)
(sustained piano note)
- Ramses, Ramses, it's everywhere!
- What's everywhere?
- The malicious rumor being spread about me all over school.
Look, they're posted in the bathrooms, in the halls.
It's not true!
- Of course it's not true.
Who would spread a lie so absurd and repugnant?
Tell me right now and I'll fight them!
- Ramses, calm down.
I don't know who wrote them, but we have to find out.
- Do we have any clues?
- None whatsoever.
Except look, they're signed "The Scarab".
(suspenseful music)
- It could be anybody.
(sustained piano note)
- Oh, hey, Jessica.
- Nefertiti, what's up, bestie?
- Do you have an extra papyrus fiber?
It's my time of the month
and I totally didn't see that coming. (laughing)
- Of course.
- Thanks, girl.
So what's the goss?
- Ramses's being a total butt, as always.
Can't even tell if he likes me anymore.
- What?
Screw that jerk!
- I feel like there's an ancient curse on our relationship
and that we're destined to break up.
- Jessica, you're perfect.
If Ramses isn't giving you the attention you deserve,
then someone else will.
Anyone would be lucky to date you.
I wanna date you.
I'm in love with you.
- You're right.
Nefertiti, I'm going right up to Ramses
and telling him to love me, or move on.
You're the best.
- No, you're the best, Jessica!
And she will be mine.
You will be mine.
(sustained piano note)
- There's a new STD going around.
You guys gotta be careful.
- Let me guess: it's the plague.
- How do you know?
- I have it.
- What are your symptoms?
- I have all the symptoms: headaches, chill, diarrhea,
black toe, malaise, delirium.
First it's frogs and pestilence, now this.
- Dude, it's nothing to be scared of.
We have to release the stigma of getting the plague.
We'll take you to the clinic, they'll big you out.
You're gonna be fine.
- Thanks, guys.
- Come on, man.
Having the plague is nothing to be ashamed about.
Approximately 50% of people
get some strain of it, eventually.
- No, dude, you're thinking of HPV.
- Oh, yep, that makes more sense.
(ball thumping)
(eerie whooshing)
(sustained piano note)
- It's time for the main event, Ramses versus Moses.
Pharaoh High rules are in full effect,
which means the winner gets the other person's friends.
- Come on.
Do we have to?
- Let's fight!
- Well, well, well,
if it isn't everyone's favorite social justice warrior
with a burning bush.
- Hey Rudy, Brett, you know,
if you really don't want me to, I won't beat him up.
- Why are you talking to my friends?
- Why don't you ask your friends why I'm talking to them?
- I'm so confused.
- Before we begin, there's something I gotta do.
(ethereal music)
Okay, let's do this.
(both grunting)
- [Friends] Fight, fight, fight!
(Moses grunting)
(Ramses groaning)
- Thou shalt not mess with me ever again!
Come on, boys.
Let's bust this joint.
- Why, gods?
Why?
(sustained piano note)
- Ramses, you look stressed.
- I am, Rudy.
There's so much pressure to be good at football.
If I screw up, I'll lose my scholarship to Temple.
- I think I have something that would help.
- Whoa, is that an amulet?
- Aren't amulets illegal?
- Sure are.
You wanna try some?
- I don't know.
- I'll try it.
(ethereal music)
I see the universe.
- I don't know about this, guys.
Aren't amulets addictive?
- But don't you wanna be cool?
(Rudy gasping)
- Oh, no!
Someone gave you a bad amulet!
Where'd you get that from?
(suspenseful music)
Who could have done this?
(sustained piano note)
(school bell ringing)
- Ramses, I'm late.
- Advanced geometry doesn't start for five minutes.
Just enough time to sneak into the stairwell and-
- No, late as in pregnant, Ramses.
- Preg what?
I thought you were on birth control.
- I am.
I'm on all of them.
I'm on liquid mercury, liquid lead, arsenic.
I guess it just gave me brain damage.
- So you gonna keep it?
- I don't know.
I mean, it's a weird time for babies.
Gods killing all the firstborns,
and I'm starring in the school play.
- How can I help?
- Just don't tell anyone, okay?
- Okay, I won't.
I swear on Osiris.
- And don't tell Coach Daytona.
- Jessica, you have to tell Coach Daytona.
You can't cheerlead like this,
you're the top of the pyramid.
- Why are you so obsessed with pyramids?
(shoe squeaking)
(sustained piano note)
(bell ringing)
- Two dates for prom?
What am I gonna do?
- Here, close your eyes.
You're in a tomb surrounded by your riches
and the love of your life.
Who do you want your corpse to be buried by
for all eternity?
- Jessica.
- My girlfriend?
- Your what?
I thought she was dating Moses.
- Moses?
- You wanna get burgers after school?
- Burgers?
(sustained piano note)
(bell ringing)
- Jessica, you let the spirit of Anubis possess you again?
I thought you were done with that stuff.
- I only use it for tests.
(voice becomes monstrous)
I see the underworld.
- But see, now it won't leave you alone.
- Oopsy boopsy, I thought this was the darkroom.
Whoops!
You kids have fun, okay?
No kissing. (laughing)
Whoa!
- Wow, Copernicus is so interesting.
It's a shame he's only a foreign exchange student
that's here at Pharaoh High for a week.
- Yeah, I'd love to see what happens to him
when he's back in Poland.
(upbeat music)
(sustained piano note)
- Coach Teddy Roosevelt, listen!
- No, you listen, Ramses!
Nobody fights during my scrimmages.
You are embarrassing this whole football team.
- But Moses started it!
- And I'm ending it.
Ramses, Moses, Tut,
I'm locking the three of you in here,
and you're not leaving until you can walk out as friends.
- But, Coach Teddy Roosevelt!
- Friends!
(all shouting)
- It's like, I know I'm chosen, but like I'm almost 18 now.
Like, when is it gonna be my time to choose?
- Word. - So true.
- Wow, despite our differences,
we actually have so much in common.
- Tutankhamen.
- What?
- You said, we have a lot in common;
I said Tutankhamen.
It's my name, it's my full name.
- Your name is Fart Common?
- No.
(sustained piano note)
- As student class pharaoh,
I will fill the Nile with Mountain Dew,
mandate no mud brick homework,
and institute Silly Pajama Fridays.
(audience applauding)
- Thank you, Moses.
Very moving stuff.
Ramses, you're next.
- If you elect me student class pharaoh,
I wouldn't change a thing.
I love this place.
I love its flaws.
I love that we get to make mistakes in a safe place.
I love the memories that we're making.
These are the best years of our lives.
- [Audience] Ramses, Ramses, Ramses, Ramses-
- Fine, I concede.
- Well, no, hold on, hold on.
I've tallied the votes.
The winner of student class pharaoh is,
The Scarab?
(audience gasping)
(sustained piano note)
(bell ringing)
- What are you working on there?
- Nothing, stop it!
- Oh my God.
Is this a poem?
Okay, "Little bird, large bird, hook, eyeball hook,
"snake, praying man."
Ramses, this is really good.
- It's stupid.
Look, my dad's gonna be here any minute.
He can't know about this.
- Can't know about what, Ramses?
- Nothing, Dad
Nefertiti was just showing me a poem she wrote.
- You shouldn't be wasting your time with poems.
We need your work back at the auto shop.
Those donkeys aren't going to fix themselves now, are they?
(Dad harrumphing and coughing)
- Yes, Dad.
Here, Nefertiti.
Here's your poem back.
(Dad groaning)
- [Ramses] Dad, hurry up!
- I'm walking as fast as I can, okay?
God damn!
- [Ramses] No, you're not!
(sustained piano note)
(bell ringing)
- I'm sure you get this all the time.
What year is this supposed to be?
Because I don't know what year-
- Guys, I found this baby on the Nile,
and it's not like other babies.
Its mind can be read.
I can tell what it's thinking.
- Whoa.
Let me try.
(Tut gasping)
He's hungry.
- Let me try.
(Rudy gasping)
He's sleepy.
- He's so special.
I bet he's destined to be the next king.
- That actually kind of depends on, you know,
who the baby's dad is, so.
- And I should figure out who that is.
- Wait, I'm getting a really strong premonition from him.
(Tut gasping)
He has pooped.
(dramatic music)
- [Together] He has pooped.
(baby gurgling)
(sustained piano note)
(bell ringing)
- We're stuck in a sandstorm.
I can't believe it.
- Of all the students to be stuck in a pyramid with,
it had to be Izzy.
- I'm that bad, huh?
- Isn't that like your whole thing?
You wanna seem bad?
- Yeah, I wear a black jacket and I talk tough, too.
Ever since my family moved from Toronto
I was worried people wouldn't like me,
so I beat them to the punch.
- I feel that.
- You do?
- Yeah, I ruled all of Egypt at age nine.
- So same thing.
(romantic music)
- Hey guys, guess what?
The sandstorm is over.
- See ya, loser!
- Tut, don't you have like a magical power
to control a sandstorm?
(sad music)
- Yes, I do.
(Brett groaning)
(sustained piano note)
(bell ringing) - Tonight's the night.
The night we figure out who The Scarab is.
- The Scarab thinks he's coming here
to get some top secret information,
but the moment he steps on that hidden stone,
he'll activate our trap.
- I just want The Scarab gone
so he can stop ruining our lives.
(objects rattling)
- Quick, hide, hide, hide!
(suspenseful music)
(spear whooshing) (Scarab exclaiming)
- Oh my gosh!
- [Nefertiti] Oh, no!
- [Ramses and Moses] Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- No, no, no, no.
Moses, what the do, huh?
You weren't supposed to kill him!
- I just did one of the normal traps
that they taught us in temple class.
- Guys, he's hurt real bad.
(Ramses exhaling)
- Let's just get this mask off of him.
(all gasping)
- Who are you?
(ominous music)
(bell ringing)
(suspenseful music)